#SpeakUp – Don’t let Dominant groups invalidate your lived experiences

I am a migrant in Australia. I am neuro-diverse. I am not White. I have disability.

In other words, my lived experiences represent a few unique intersectional lens from all of these groups combined. I take great pride in representing these groups. I always try to create awareness of the challenges people from these groups face and at the same time create reflection and conversation with people who are interested to learn and discuss alike.

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Granted, I am human – I also get hurt by discrimination, bias, and aggression (macro & micro alike), so at times, I am less likely to respond to negative response with empathy, especially with people of privilege.

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Anyway, today I’m not here to talk about myself. I wanted to share with you some of my lived experiences dealing with people from dominant groups who have acted in ways that I perceive to invalidate the lived experiences of others, especially people from underrepresented and under privileged groups.

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Some of my recent posts were on sharing my lived experiences as a person representing various underrepresented groups – Microaggression by kids and Qantas exclusion experience .

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All feelings towards microaggressions are valid

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If any person ever told you that your feelings towards any form of aggression is invalid, I’ll bet that that person belonged to a privileged or dominant group.

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It doesn’t matter if you are a woman, a person with disability, a neurodiverse person, or a person with a diverse cultural background. If people behaved in a way in which impacted you negatively, let me assure you that it is valid for you to feel less positive. They have a right to their opinions, but they have no basis to invalidate your lived experience.

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Look, your feelings towards microaggressions are valid because they reflect your personal lived experiences and perceptions. Yes, microaggressions may be subtle or perhaps unintentional, but at the end of the day, they can still have a significant impact on your well-being, self-esteem, and sense of belonging.

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Validating your feelings is important because it acknowledges the harm caused by these subtle (or blatant forms) of discrimination and helps promote awareness and understanding of the pervasive nature of systemic biases and inequalities.

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The reality is, microaggressions can erode your sense of dignity and contribute to feelings of frustration, anger, or alienation. Recognizing and acknowledging these feelings is essential for your emotional health and resilience. Your experiences are valid because they are real and rooted in your lived reality, regardless of whether others understand or acknowledge them.

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Therefore, it's important to prioritize self-care and seek support from individuals who validate your experiences and provide empathy and understanding. By affirming the validity of your feelings, you empower yourself (and others) to advocate for change, create awareness, and challenge discriminatory attitudes and behaviors.

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They come for you in all forms

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Being an advocate for inclusion is often thankless and you inadvertently invite the attention of trolls from privileged backgrounds. Like it or not, they will seek to impose their view of the world without any care. They may have their own warped sense of reality and convenient perception of what inclusion is. ?People make statements often downplay or dismiss the impact of microaggressions and fail to recognize the harm they cause.

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Here are some less pleasant responses that I have picked up and observed over the years:

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You are oversensitive/over reacting

“Forget microaggression, just worry about ‘macro’ and ‘standard’ aggression. Develop a thick mental ‘skin’ to screen out the rest”

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You are immature and narcissistic

“Your perspective on what these kids did is immature and nonsensical. It is obvious that you don't have kids or if you do, you are subjecting them to an impossible to obtain ideal that only narcissistic people subject kids to.”

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You are not inclusion focused

“Maybe they only speak Mandarin? Why victimise yourself when you can celebrate and encourage diversity in language, culture, and intent?”

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Normalising aggressive behaviour

“It’s a human thing and the only way we learn. ?By our mistakes.”

“Let boys be boys, microagressions and all”

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And others like:

• "I didn't mean it that way, so you shouldn't take it personally."
• "It's just a joke, you need to lighten up."
• "I'm not racist/sexist/etc., so it can't be a microaggression."
• "You're overreacting; it's not a big deal."
• "I have friends from [insert marginalized group], so I can't be microaggressive."
• "I treat everyone the same; I don't see color/gender/etc."
• "It's just my opinion; you shouldn't be offended by it."
• "You're being too sensitive; you need to toughen up."
• "I'm just being honest; political correctness has gone too far."
• "I didn't realize it would offend you; you need to communicate better."

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It's important to challenge these justifications and promote awareness of the importance of respecting others' experiences and perspectives. Don’t take things personally, remind yourself that these are all reflective of people who live with ignorance in privilege and power. They ae likely to have little or biased perspectives about your lived experiences and have little understanding or appreciation for the challenges or discrimination that you face daily.

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Dealing with microaggressions

I won’t lie, it can be disheartening when others underplay how you feel towards microaggressive behavior. But if we are to make headway to build a more inclusive world, here are several constructive ways which you may choose to respond:

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• Express Your Feelings: Clearly communicate how their actions or words make you feel. Use "I" statements to express the impact of their behavior on you personally. For example, "When you make comments like that, it makes me feel invalidated and belittled."
• Educate Them: Help them understand the concept of microaggressions and their impact. Provide examples and explain how seemingly minor comments or behaviors can perpetuate harmful stereotypes and contribute to systemic discrimination.
• Set Boundaries: Clearly assert your boundaries and let them know that you won't tolerate dismissive behavior or microaggressions. Let them know that you expect to be treated with respect and dignity.
• Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or support groups who understand your experiences and can offer validation and support. It's important to have a supportive network to lean on when dealing with invalidation.
• Lead by Example: Model respectful communication and empathy in your interactions. By demonstrating how to acknowledge and validate others' experiences, you may encourage them to reflect on their behavior and attitudes.
• Choose Your Battles: While it's important to address microaggressions, consider the context and your own well-being before engaging in difficult conversations. Sometimes it may be more productive to disengage or address the issue later when emotions are less heightened. It is ok to delete negative comments, not because you can’t respond, but so that you don’t need to revisit the aggression.
• Advocate for Change: If the microaggressions occur in a broader context, such as in the workplace or within an organization, consider advocating for diversity training (unconscious bias, privilege at work & microaggressions) or policies that promote inclusivity and sensitivity to diverse experiences.

Reminders

Remember a few things:

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• We can’t control how others behave – people may choose to escalate ‘aggression’ and that’s unfortunate. But remember that and draw the line here. Don’t let it impact you, not too long anyway. Move on
• We can control how we react to others – focus on things we can influence, things we can change and things that are important to us. After all, we have limited time each day and it should be invested in areas that matter