Speaking-up for Change

Submitted to and extracted from the YUSAPUY Fall 2020 Newsletter. Written by Jenn Ferdinands

A few thoughts and emotions bubbled up to the surface when I first saw the call for articles from the Black, Indigenous, and People of Colour (BIPOC) community. I was impressed and heartened by the foresight, but simultaneously nervous and perplexed as I contemplated submitting an article – because it takes courage to speak-up and share your experiences. Given the global movement surrounding anti-Black racism, I questioned whether my voice ought to be heard. I wondered ‘what’s the point’ would anyone actually care? I realized that sharing my voice could encourage others to share theirs, after all, we cannot instill change if we are not aware of the injustices which exist in our community. If you’ve read this far, you know what I decided, just know that while I am sharing my own experiences of systemic racism in the institution as a POC, there is movement happening across the globe that needs to be at the forefront of everyone’s mind – and that is: Black Lives Matter.

My hope is that these submissions spark thought and ignite a process of “Design Thinking” that can be implemented to find solutions to the complex systemic racism that is woven into the fabric of this institution – or, at the very least, be a message that makes a difference for someone who may be feeling the same way or alone. Before I continue, I want to acknowledge that as a Brown woman of South Asian descent, it's uncomfortable to admit but necessary – I too have played an unintentional role perpetuating these systemic inequities by overlooking the challenges that Black and Indigenous people face everyday. Next, in my own position of privilege (because really, privilege is a matter of perspective) I have a responsibility to own-up to my errors, educate myself, and use my voice to influence change, and keep this dialogue going.

People are tired and angry, there’s been a crescendo in talks about inequity and a call to action for change and justice. An example that resonated with me was @StolenBySmith, an Instagram account that was created by a Queen’s University commerce student Kelly Weiling Zou as a platform for students and graduates to anonymously share their experiences as a means to expose how systemic racism is embedded into the institution. There is so much information to take in and it’s my responsibility to self-educate. As such, I started reading, books, blogs, articles, social media posts and participating in webinars organized by York’s Centre for Human Rights, Equity and Inclusion (CHREI) – because I too have been complicit in maintaining the status quo through my own, silence, ignorance and impartiality. For me, this self-education process served as an awakening.

As a racialized woman it has always felt taboo for me to speak about some of the micro-aggressions and sometimes blatant discrimination I have experienced in the workplace and beyond. I always worried that people would think I was “that” person, or just a complainer. I’m grateful for all the courageous individuals who have shared their experiences because it has given me the confidence to speak-up and affirmed that I am not alone in the way I feel navigating a world that really wasn’t designed for me.

I returned to work after an 18-month parental leave, as a new mom, during a pandemic, working from home, for a unit that is undergoing a significant transition, in the midst of an uprising that I cannot ignore. Anxious about returning to work, my mind would race with thoughts of fear and worry that I would be a failure both as a mother and an employee. I kept replaying memories during my employment when I felt invisible, overlooked, undermined, unsupported and even disrespected – I was actually scared to return. But, I decided to be assertive and scheduled a meeting with the Dean of the Faculty two weeks before my return to work. I wanted to hear about the developments while I was away and her vision for my role going forward, but primarily to address my concerns around equity and systemic racism I have observed and experienced at the Faculty.

Preparing for this meeting took me almost a week, because I kept wondering whether I should be completely honest about my experiences and feelings for fear of reprisal. I was worried in general – approaching this meeting as a racialized woman, relatively low ranking on the employee ladder, speaking to a white Dean about some uncomfortable things that may come-off as accusatory. Since my experiences could be construed as micro-aggressions that were so subtle and impossible to prove, I felt it necessary to run my thoughts by a third party. I reached out to the experts at CHREI and shared my thoughts with an advisor. After an hour-long discussion, the advisor assured me that none of the concerns I was raising made me out to sound like a complainer (for lack of a better word), and that my overall apprehensions were timely not only as a person returning to work after almost 2 years, but also given the global anti-Black racism movement. With that, I had what I needed to approach the meeting with confidence.

The Dean greeted me on a video call with a warm welcoming smile. Immediately I felt more at ease – it is incredible what a smile can do. We talked about what the past 19.5 months had been like for each of us and her vision for my role upon returning – then it came time to talk about the hard stuff. It took me twenty minutes to articulate all my points – after all I had prepared a 1,200 word “cheat sheet” to get all my points across in a respectful yet assertive way.

I shared that I saw a lack of diversity in the composition of our faculty complement; that our senior leadership team were primarily white; that the Equity Committee on which I had participated on for a few years before didn’t appear to be taken as seriously as other committees; that there used to be a toxic environment in the Faculty that drove me to apply to another role in the university as a means of escape; that evidence based recommendations for change around a part of my portfolio had been silenced to the point that I questioned the degree to which white privilege played a part; that during her tenure as Dean, when I was 7.5 months pregnant I had to take medical leave earlier than my anticipated end date partly because my appeals to management addressing my workload were ignored and unaddressed causing me a significant amount of stress; that I wondered whether if I were white, whether I would have been taken more seriously; and I inquired about the action the Faculty plans to take to address the systemic racism within it’s own walls. Wasn’t that the longest sentence you’ve ever read?!?! It felt like a lot to share, but it’s just a drop in the ocean of experiences racialized individuals continue to contend with.

The Dean listened thoughtfully; I could see her taking notes, facial expressions shifting and changing – confusion, surprise, disappointment – but she never interrupted me. When I had finished, she responded with empathy, apologized for some of my past experiences, spoke about immediate measures being put in place, and acknowledged that there were indeed gaps in diversity. I was fortunate in this case that 1) I had a Dean who was willing to meet with me; 2) that I felt safe enough (in my heart and gut) to speak relatively honestly about my experiences; 3) that I actually felt somewhat heard. I would assert however, that my fellow BIPOC colleagues experiencing the same or worse circumstances might not feel as safe to raise concerns; or that they have spoken-up before and been unheard, or that they are justifiably exhausted. So again, I acknowledge my privilege as a POC because I was given an opportunity to express my concerns – but that this privilege ought to be used to advocate with and for my fellow BIPOC colleagues for action.

While I know radical change during my tenure at York or my lifetime isn’t likely, at the Faculty level, I am optimistic that some measures have been implemented. For example, supporting events such as “A Dialogue on Anti-Black Racism and Racial inequity: Implications for our work”, and establishing in the terms of reference for the Faculty’s Equity Committee, that each member of should also sit on another committee council such that every standing committee of Faculty Council has a representative from the Equity Committee.

It’s a start, but it’s not a one-time project – it’s a continuous process of listening, learning, evaluating and adjusting. For now, all I can do is consistently follow-up and wait.