Speak What We Feel

The weight of this sad time we must obey, 
Speak what we feel, not what we ought to say.
 - Edgar, King Lear, Act V, Scene III 


***Either Edgar or the Duke of Albany delivers it depending on which folio you read        

At the end of King Lear, the final speech carries much weight itself. The idea that all of the madness of King Lear could have been avoided if only the characters would have said what they feel.

How much of our own suffering could be avoided by saying what we feel instead of what we ought to say? "Unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments" was reiterated recently by Neil Strauss. By not declaring what we expect, we don't give others a chance to come through. We expect them to know us so well that, like the Borg in Star Trek, they absorb that we want flowers and homemade pancakes at 7 am on Mother's Day. Then, when they let us sleep late and make omelets, we resent that they don't give us what we want, which we never asked for. As if asking for it undermined the ability of them to know us so well we don't even have to say what we want.

When we think about what we ought to say:

"I'm fine, how are you?"

"It's okay! No harm, no foul."

"No, I didn't mind waiting."

We miss the idea that we are put out by someone else's behavior and dismiss our own needs. Instead of "I'm fine, how are you?" it's okay to say "I'm not doing very well, but I'd rather not go into it right now. Please let's talk about something pleasant. How are you?"

Instead of "It's okay! No apology needed" why not: "Thanks so much for apologizing to me. I know it's a small thing, but I appreciate you noticing that you hurt my feelings." Or even "Thank you."

I often talk with clients who want to say "I'm sorry" or "We didn't mean to" and their lawyers tell them not to express remorse or claim fault in a matter that has hurt people deeply. Perhaps Shakespeare was right all along in Henry VI, Part 2, Act IV, Scene 2.