The Simplest Path to Ease the Fourth Trimester

The fourth trimester is the hardest. And there is no way around it.

The fourth trimester comes after a full-term pregnancy and delivery and continues for around three months. This definition could be more elaborate, but this is the gist.

Everyone knows the first trimester of pregnancy is hard. We see it on a pregnant woman’s face: the pale look, tired eyes, and faint smile. It is when her body prepares to become a home for a tiny person, and it isn’t easy. She cannot eat, and she throws up or feels like throwing up all the time. No wonder many women carry plastic bags at all times in these months and check for the nearest washroom. She is tired like no one can imagine. People encourage her to go for a walk, but little do they know what a struggle it is to go to the next room. She doesn’t sleep and is always nervous that something bad will happen to the soon-to-be person inside. Friends, family, and doctors ensure her it will get better, and she cannot wait.

It gets better.

For a while.

Soon comes the third trimester. A woman goes through the biggest pain known to exist on earth. The general idea is: pain ends after delivery and joy starts around the newborn. The baby will be out of mama’s womb and say hello. Yes, babies cry a lot and are a lot of work. But at least she will be outside of the belly, which currently is making mom exhausted. She cannot do much of the daily work herself, lots of discomforts around the body, and she counts the stars at night. Obviously, she will be relieved after the delivery.

Ummm… will she?

Here comes the fourth!?

The third trimester ends with hours of labor and a baby torn or cut out of the mother. We would think she could use a breather now. After all, she deserves one after around 40 weeks of hard work.

Guess what, the actual work just began!

Now starts the fourth trimester, which I previously mentioned as the hardest.

Not kidding.

But why is this trimester so challenging, and why is it called a trimester even after the pregnancy has ended?

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Introduction to the Fourth

The challenges of the fourth trimester do not lie in the physical difficulties mamas face, nor in the psychological roller coaster they ride. (Even when the baby is unfortunately born with complications).

The challenge lies in the surprise (more like shock) of not knowing the very essential information. Mothers do NOT speak about post-delivery hurdles as much as they do about the newly arrived baby. This information is lost. I wonder if it is because talking about post-delivery body changes or breastfeeding as a matter is taboo in many societies. Or perhaps mamas do not remember these months as much because they go through a lot, they do not get the very much-needed sleep, and everything around a newborn changes so fast that mamas are immersed in the experience without keeping any track of the changing time.

I personally believe in one more reason. This might not be a major one, but this plays a role. Historically, women are supposed to feel glory in motherhood. Women are supposed to BE STRONG for their children. Mamas are often compared to tigresses or lionesses. Mothers are supposed to know everything about their babies and do everything properly for their babies with a smile on their faces. Mothers are supposed to be PERFECT. This societal structure does not leave mothers much space to talk about their emotions and vulnerabilities. (Much like we do not appreciate tears from a man).

I cannot emphasize enough that mothers open up more about their experiences. I genuinely believe sharing their stories will help soon-to-be mamas prepare ahead. Mamas, please open up your hearts, please talk.

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Let’s start from t=0

The baby is welcome to the world but she does not realize it until the second day. For the first 24 hours, she will be really quiet. Have mamas been praying for a calm baby; it might be too early to thank God. It takes a day. Baby realizes that she is not in her ever-familiar environment. She has immigrated and there is a CULTURAL SHOCK.

Like most immigrants, she cries a lot.

She will need to feel safe and secure every moment of the next few months (as if she is still inside her mom) while familiarizing herself with the new environment. This means, she will need to hear mom’s voice, see her face, smell her, and last but no way least, drink mom’s milk! She is outside of the womb, but mama will have to make her feel like she IS NOT.

Mama will be sort of glued to her. Baby will be either at mama’s breasts or lap for a good amount of time, other times she will be sleeping next to mama or in a closely placed crib. The mother has become two persons from one. Yet, the baby is still with her almost every second. This is a trimester of mixed emotions. Mothers don’t want to leave their children for a second, but also crave some alone, cry-free moments.

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Giving birth: traumatizing or not?

While mothers are doing this hard job, we forget that she also needs care. She is recovering from a very “traumatizing” event. A lot of mothers will strongly disagree with my use of words. That’s subjective because they forget the pain of “the event” after seeing the reward. A lot of men will disagree too because they have no clue how it is to go through pregnancy and delivery. But let’s look at it wearing someone else’s shoes, consider your sister, daughter, or a close one. Would you want them to go through this if there was an easier option? Gladly, a lot of women in many countries now choose to take epidural to reduce labor pain. I hope more and more women get this choice in the near future. To sum up, recovery after delivery needs months and until then mamas are in pain and discomfort.

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Breastfeeding: The fun begins!?

One week after I gave birth, a friend called me. It was also one week of breastfeeding. She asked me how it was going. I did not (or could not) filter my emotion. I sighed, ‘I feel like a cow’. She was like, ‘come on!’. (I think she rolled her eyes in response to my dramatic response).

A couple of months later, a nanny with 20 years of experience told me that’s exactly how new mothers have described breastfeeding to her. Phew! I am not weird. Strangely, I have now such strong empathy for baby cows and their mamas that I have stopped to eat beef or veal.

I am astonished to see that not many mothers speak about breastfeeding. We live in a society where any connotation to breasts is uncomfortable for both men and women. Almost each of us thrived post-birth because our mothers decided to feed us despite their sore, bleeding nipples. Yet, breasts ONLY symbolize sensuality to most. If we do not talk about them, we cannot learn about them.

Lack of information presents breastfeeding as a bigger challenge than delivery.

It does not have to be.

When I was pregnant, I did a lot of research to prepare accordingly. I read the best parenting books written by midwives, doulas, nurses, doctors, and psychologists. I am a biologist, and I could make sense of the clinical data. However, my knowledge about breastfeeding was so poor that I did not even think there was something to research about! Every mother breastfeeds and never heard them complain! Actually, never heard a mother talk about breastfeeding except whether babies got enough milk or not!

Nobody talks about the difficulty; nothing came to my radar. Logically, I did not dig in more. I learned about it the hard way.

Had I known the challenges before, I could take better care of myself and my baby.

Admittedly, mamas discover that breastfeeding brings the most intimate moments with their child (once the initial shock is gone, breasts repair, and mamas get the hang of it).

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The zombie mama

Mamas feed, pump, and change (diapers) their babies every two to three hours, day and night. Without any break. There is no 9 to 5, there is no weekend. Soon, their days start to blur, and weeks pass by. Sleep deprivation erases their short-term memories for the time being.

[Fun fact, did you know women need more sleep than men? However, women do not completely get the extra sleep they need, and their sleep quality is lower quality than men's.]

Anyway, when you see a happy mom holding a cute baby, inside her she probably feels like a zombie. Feeling like a zombie is a fourth-trimester thing unless a mother is highly resourceful.

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What’s my point?

If I name all the sacrifices a woman does at this stage, it will overwhelm anyone!

A mother is 24X7 anxious about not knowing what to do or doing something wrong to a newborn. Challenges regarding the baby’s health arise throughout this trimester and sometimes the healthcare professionals might be unsure because every baby is unique.

And do not forget baby blue which arises in this trimester and feels like a ‘deep dark’. 50% of mothers suffer from baby blue while 10 to 20% fall into severe postpartum depression. These numbers are even higher in women of color.

Anyway, I do not want to make a kite-tail-long list of hurdles.

Neither do I want to discourage future parents.

All I want is for the new parents and their families to know about it and prepare well.

I want us to be more aware of and more helpful to mothers around us.

And mamas, I want you to tell your story and ask for the support you strongly deserve. For you and your baby.

Sometimes talking about certain subjects pushes its boundary and makes it easier for others. Don’t buy into the numerous influencer videos of painless deliveries, getting back to shape in 8 weeks, fancy-dressed mamas with babies, etc. Today’s life is fast, but you cannot rush through your baby’s growth spurts or your recovery. You don’t want to rush. Rushing does not help, it brings anxiety. Go slow, go steady. You want the baby to bring joy to your life, why rush through the joy?

Towards the end of the fourth trimester, mama and baby know and respond to each other better. Baby eats better and sleeps longer. Mamas get the hang of motherhood. In fact, they become the best in their job, irreplaceable. Now she gets to comb her hair or take shower more often.

P.S. In case I have made the postpartum months sound miserable, please remember there is a baby in the picture.

Mamas can now see, smell, and hold their baby! The baby is not a sonogram anymore. She smiles and coos. She is a new person, a person growing by the day. A person with looks, traits, and character. A person who needs a mother as no one does, whose world consists of mainly one person, the mother.

Having the baby in arms separates this trimester from the rest. The joy around the baby makes this trimester more enjoyable than the others.