To Speak Up or Not – can you live with yourself?

I wish I’d said something.

These were the words of a friend of mine when she witnessed someone being discriminated against.

A comforting friend might say, Ah well, next time you can…

I suspect that we honestly believe that we would say speak up next time, but when the moment comes, we are presented with a choice.

And the choice not to is often easier.

We think of all the reasons why we can't.

"It's none of my business.

"I’m tired and just want to get home"

"The bloke looks like he could crush me through a meat grinder.

"I’ve just ducked into this shop for one thing. I’ve got to get back to work."

"I’m here for work and don’t want to make a scene."

These thoughts are common and normal.

I know they are because I’ve thought them.

It’s hard to speak up. But I always regret it when I don’t.

When I worked in Sydney I had to visit a maximum security prison to relocate a family of birds that had nested in the exercise yard of severely mentally impaired prisoners. To this day I regret not saying anything about the prison officer whose language belittled and made fun of the prisoners.

Did I think, she knows her job and I know nothing about how hard this must be, so I won’t say anything? Yes, I did.

I also chose to ignore the uncomfortable body language and facial expressions of her colleague whose behaviour was completely the opposite – positive and open hearted.

Personal or External?

When it’s personal, it seems easier to speak up.

When a colleague started talking about ‘drowning gingers at birth’, I had something to say. When I hear homophobic stuff I speak up. When I receive anti-Australian sentiments I will voice an opinion. I can do this without thinking because they all affront me personally.

I feel justified.

It throws that energy back at them so I don’t take it on board.

So why is it harder to do for others?

Because we have a choice. We can choose to ignore.

We feel uncomfortable and we want to push that away.

Subtle versus Smack-in-your-face!

The Black Lives Matter campaign and continuing conversations highlight how much of racism is subtle.

As Patrick George says, “White people in England can be a bit smarter, they know exactly what they can’t say to be obviously racist, but they’ll do it more subtly. They’ll come for you in other ways.”

Evidently, this is also why large proportions of White people don’t think there’s a problem, because they don’t see it personally.

But what about when it is not so subtle? Does that still happen?

Can you remember the last time you witnessed racism openly and boldly?

I can. Several times, unfortunately.

It shocked me. It shocked me because it showed that the racist felt safe to be racist. They felt that they had support from the White people nearby.

“No, this gentleman is next” said dad as he pointed to the Aboriginal man next to him.

Only then, did the White staff member choose to serve the Aboriginal man who’d been standing there waiting for several minutes – passed over every time a White person had walked up and ordered.

Again…. an Aboriginal man asked us for a lift in our car, but unfortunately 300kms in the opposite direction to our route. We found another family nearby to give him the lift. They were more than happy to until they saw he was Aboriginal. In front of him they screwed up their face, said No and shook their heads.

It’s abhorrent when you witness it.

And we're seeing it again now, everywhere with Trans and gender diverse people.

It's frightening.

Open discrimination. Open verbal abuse. Open Abhorrent behaviours.

People feeling safe to be wantedly awful. And they're feeling safe, because people in power are saying the same things and giving permission.

Use your voice even when nothing is obviously wrong.

People shout when they have a point to prove, when they're dissatisfied. When we're okay with something, we tend to stay quiet.

Just look at Trip Advisor and all the people complaining about their negative experiences. On the whole people haven't learnt to sit with their discomforts.

Yes, if there's been a problem, by all means make a complaint, but we also commonly seek public support and justification for our 'wrong'. We seek to amplify our pain and blame others.

By contrast, we often forget to have a voice when we're happy with the service - because it's what we expected. Our needs were met.

And the same applies to LGBTQ+ allyship.

We can feel safe in our hard won fights. So much so that we forget to defend them, even though they already exist. Look at Roe vs Wade in the USA.

Visibility is important. Share your support always. Publicly. Privately.

We need to keep our voices heard.

Allyship is all about speaking up even when you don't have to.

Even when you think the status quo is okay.

Even when it's not.

Even when.....

Living a New Way

Do you know that in many Australian Aboriginal languages, there is no word for ‘thank you’ or ‘please’? The value of sharing and caring is such an important part of Aboriginal culture, its value is inherent. There’s no need for such words.*

We all have a lot to learn from people different from ourselves and by understanding the impact of oppression and discrimination we can change it.

In Resmaa Manakem’s book, My Grandmother’s Hands, he talks about the impact of genetic trauma and how bio chemical stress hormones influence what is passed down through generations.

We cannot ignore this when considering whether we choose to speak up today or tomorrow or we are regretting yesterday’s lack.

Let’s work to change the record

Let’s work to create new experiences that positively influence genetic trauma

Let’s be part of healing

Let’s make sure that subsequent generations are not dealing with this shit in 50 or 100 years.

You with me?

Cath

* Clothing the Gap – an Aboriginal owned and led social enterprise