Spare a thought for the other person

I remember how my brother and I would wait eagerly for our father to get home from the hospital. We would listen for the crunch of the car tyres on the gravel driveway and then rush to go and see him. My mother listened for the same sounds and hurried to guard the back door. ‘No’ she would say, ‘Let him come in first. Wait till he is ready’. Usually he would come straight in; on other days he would sit in the car, sometimes for hours, listening to music. 

Years later I realised that it was on those days that a patient had died under his hands on the operating table. He was dealing with tragedy, with his own sense of failure that despite all of his expertise and efforts he was unable to save a young life and had to break the unbearable news to the grieving parents. It was always worse when the patient had been young.

That’s why doctors wear white coats. It doesn’t just protect their clothes from the blood and suffering, it also protects the Doctors’ psyche. At the end of the day, at the end of the shift, Doctors take off their white coats, the ones with the stains and pain on them, put them in the laundry basket… and go home - clean. On some days it was harder for my father to take off his mental ‘white coat’. It took longer and hurt more. Still, he needed to take it off before he brought that energy into the family home where it would affect his two young sons and his wife. Instead he chose to internalise.

Rather than talk about his feelings, he bottled them up and tried to do the ‘man thing’. He kept a ‘stiff upper lip’ and dealt with his feelings himself. At least he thought he did. I often wonder what it would have been like if he had been able to talk through his feelings with a professional and face them, deal with them, release them. Perhaps he wouldn’t have suffered from Psoriasis and Parkinson’s if he had been able to get rid of the burden of his feelings by expressing them instead of absorbing them. 

Whilst my earlier articles have focused on the person being made redundant; we must also consider the unfortunate professional whose duty it is to send the hundreds of emails or have the difficult redundancy conversation with numerous people. What toll does it take on them? How do they deal with their feelings? Who is helping them?

We need to applaud their bravery and courage. Delivering catastrophically bad news is very hard, especially when it is to people that we have grown close to as trusted friends, when we know the angst and worry that will follow. Often the decision to re-structure or downsize has been taken weeks or even months before any action is actually taken. Due to the understandable reasons of confidentiality and legality, the decision has been kept as a closely guarded secret. That is a heavy weight to carry; knowing that a tough decision has been made, that the day to execute it is coming and being unable to talk about it.

I remember working closely with leaders in the past, helping them to prepare for the redundancy discussions that they would have to conduct with valued members of their teams. We rehearsed for hours in order to make sure that the conversations were clear, straightforward and positive.  Make no mistake, these conversations are dreaded by both sides. Nobody wants them and yet they may be necessary for the survival of the business.

Yes, there are ways in which redundancy discussions can be conducted which lead to a more positive outcome. They can be honest, compassionate, fair and impartial. The offer of help, provision of counselling, coaching and support can be included in the severance package. Flexibility can be built into the final agreement in terms of schooling, housing, timing etc. Assistance can be given in finding new jobs for people to move to as well as time for the search and interviews. The focus can be placed on the future, on what will happened next and when, rather than debating the reasons for the necessity of the decision. Care and respect can be shown, and leaders can ‘own’ the redundancy decisions they have made and take upon themselves the responsibility to action them instead of shying away and delegating the task to the H.R. department. 

The skills of communicating with dignity, respect and compassion are some of the most admirable strengths a leader can possess. These skills can cement relationships, not damage them. I respect so many of the leaders that I have coached in the past. They have many admirable beliefs and behaviours in common. All of them prepare themselves meticulously before they let a dedicated colleague go. They manage the process with care and consideration for the feelings of the other person. They empathise. They focus the conversation towards the future and do everything they can to help the person find an alternative and meaningful position elsewhere. They have also all re-hired people they have laid off in the past, sometimes months, sometimes years later because they valued them so much. 

So, spare a thought for the person sitting on the other side of the table and appreciate their professionalism and resilience in being able to carry out such a horrible, miserable task with dignity and respect. 

Remember that they also wish it was not necessary, that it was not happening and that it takes a terrible toll on them as well.