The Space Pirate Cat: a Sci-Fi Odyssey (and Hero's Journey!)

Good evening, gentleman and gentleman, please take this time to silence your phones, pagers, and personal walkie-talkies. Thank you.

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Chapter 1: Ordinary World

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It was an ordinary day at Kate’s Tavern, the local spot on the planet Felinus-0206 in the year 5431, of their calendar. Kate, the beautiful tortoise-shell cat, was busy cleaning glasses, slicing lemons, and doing whatever else that bartenders do. She was a shy cat, not very vocal, and had trouble speaking her mind. So, whenever—

“Yaaaaaaaaaahh!!”

Suddenly, her fur shot up along her back, and she bared her teeth. Hissing, she raced underneath the bar.

“Who are you?” she screeched. “And how can I hear you?”

She looked around the room, wondering what she was hearing. I, too, confess dear reader, that I have no idea what she was on about, probably too much catnip last night—

“I did not have catnip last night,” she said.

Wait a second.

“It’s like I can hear you, but you’re in my head.” Her eyes darted about, and she started doing those adorable cat zoomies. The zoomies, for you cat-deprived ones, is when cats get that wild, crazy look in their eyes and they start zooming from one end of an apartment/house/pirate ship.

“I’m scared, you jerk!”

Reader, I apologize for any confusion. It seems as though our dear cat is indeed capable of speaking her mind.

Kate swished her tail. “Well, you would too, if one day you started hearing a voice out of the clear, purple sky!” (The main substance on this planet is an extremophile that shows up as purple, which then the light reflects, and--)

“Wait. Reader. And you’re explaining the basic nature of our setting. Oh my god, I’m in a story.”

Not just any story. A Hero’s Journey.

Before Kate had time to respond, another cat entered into the tavern. Kate wanted to cower under the bar, but she had already done that three times in as many weeks.

“Rent’s being raised again,” said the very tubby cat. He looked more like a cement block than anything else. He was the Tax Collector.

“Again? But it was raised three times this year!” Kate’s whiskers drooped. “I don’t know if I have enough to pay.”

“Them’s the breaks,” replied the cinder block, licking a paw. “Before the end of the week. Or I’ll take the building.” He left a card on the bar, with a strange symbol on it. Peering at it, Kate recognized a few Egyptian hieroglyphics, and an image of a woman with a cat’s head.

Not knowing that this was foreshadow, Kate chewed up the card, batted it around, then went home to contemplate how miserable she was, because she could not stand up for herself.

“I am not miserable.”

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Chapter 2: Call to Adventure

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The next night, the tavern was in full swing, with the sounds of darts hitting their mark, pool billiards breaking apart, and a vintage Pac-Mac arcade game getting on everyone’s nerves. Kate’s customers were all regulars, and they were cool cats, including the cats: there was a smattering of humans, cyborgs, androids, electric sheep, but not one dog. (This planet has still not socially approved of cat-dog interactions, but activists were making headway.)

“Nice use of creating sound effects, without using the words, ‘she heard,’” said Kate.

Thank you.

Now then: It had been a calm evening, but then the wind picked up. Soon, it was driving sheets of icy rain, and thunder rent the air.

“You know, using the weather as a reflection of my inner turmoil is kind of cliché,” said Kate, going around tables with a one of those huge, round things waiters use strapped to her back.

“It’s called a serviette,” sniffed Kate.

The ceiling of the tavern suddenly broke open, dumping water onto poor, sarcastic Kate. She suddenly realized the power of the narrator and growled her displeasure. Still, the narrator is not a monster, and magically, Kate was dry.

“It’s not magic,” she explained. “It’s actually tiny nanoparticles that suction the water from my fur, and—” she glanced toward the ceiling. “I’ll be quiet now.”

Customers took their drinks and left their coin.

Suddenly, over the noise of the tavern, a telephone started to ring. Kate had a terrible sense of foreboding about that telephone. The telephone hadn’t worked in over nine thousand years. Somehow, Kate suspected that if she answered, she would be plunged into an adventure greater than she could ever imagine.

A customer leaned over the bar and shouted, “Kate, I think that call is for you.”

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Chapter 3: Refusal of the Call: the Hero is not Sure

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“I refuse to answer the call. I’m just not sure.”

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Chapter 4: Crossing the Threshold

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The customers shouted at Kate to answer the telephone. Timid as she was, she quickly caved to peer pressure.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Kate,” said the voice on the other side. “This is Billy Bones, and I am definitely not a literary reference to Treasure Island.”

“How do you know my name?” she asked.

“That’s not important,” he said, as he clutched the Yellow Pages. “What is important is a dangerous pirate crew is headed your way. They know that you’ve got something they need.”

“What?” asked Kate, her whiskers quivering in fear. “I don’t have anything. I’m just a humble tavernkeeper.”

“You best go with them,” said Bones. “You’ve got a power they they’re desperately searching for.”

“But I—”

The phone line went dead. So did Billy, of a stroke. (His last words were “Robert Louis Stevenson is a bast—“)

Kate decided to close the tavern. If trouble was heading her way, she did not want her customers to get hurt.

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Chapter 5: Crossing the Threshold, Again

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As the last customer filed out the back door, the front door almost burst open.

“You’ll have to use the side door, no one uses the front,” called Kate.

“Much obliged!” called a voice on the other side of the tavern.

From without came the clanks and clonks of various machinery; gears cranked and screamed for oil.

Suddenly, and without warning, a group of space pirates burst through the door. A motely crew of androids, clones, cyborgs, and sentient mops dragged themselves into the tavern, out of the rain.

“You’ll be coming with us,” demanded the leader, a crusty sea dog, who was literally a dog, named Blackbeard.

“But I don’t have the power you’re looking for!” protested Kate. “Besides, I would never go with a dog.”

“Aye, y’do. Bastet here says that you’re the key to finding an amulet that will stop the clone harvesting.” A cat, much larger than Kate, had sleek, black fur and was much larger than she. She wore long, gray robes, which is the standard garb of Mentors and Guardians. (They even come in a one-size-fits-all. Robes, not the guardians.)

Kate had heard of the clone harvesting. She turned directly to face the reader and said, “The government has been using the DNA of cats to harvest clones.” She arched her back, then stretched, getting ready to run. “They use the clones to do nefarious deeds, which are too numerous to be listed here.”

Although Kate tried to dodge them, they grabbed her and lifted her cute, slightly chubby cat body onto their ship, which floated outside. It was in the old style, a three-masted ship with square rigging called, once-upon-a-time, a galleon.

“Why on earth do you have an old-fashioned ship?” asked Kate. “You know they just came out with the new Starship model SG-42[1] .”

“It is an elegant ship, for a more civilized age,” responded Blackbeard.

“Isn’t that a quote from Star W—”

“Silence! Tis time y’meet y’mentor.” Then Blackbeard licked his balls.

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Chapter 6: Meeting the Mentor

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Kate slunk up to the other cat and arched her back. Her tail became extra floofy, and try as she might to look fierce and ferocious, she simply looked precious.

“No need to fear me,” said the old, wise cat, whose eyes were filmy with age. Her coat was rather raggedy and brittle, and a scar marred her ear. “I’m Bastet, the Egyptian goddess of cats, home, domesticity, women's secrets, fertility, and childbirth.”

“Good god.”

“I know, it’s a lot,” agreed Bastet. “Or at least, it was, until my power was taken away. I would have had a fantastic backstory, filled with intrigue, magic, betrayal, and heart-wrenching emotion, but the narrator was too lazy to think of anything.”

I’m trying my best here, guys.

“Anyway,” continued Bastet. “You have the amulet that will restore my power, and triumph over the clone-harvesters. But it will do more than that. It will help you defeat the Shadow.”

“The Shadow?”

“Yes.” Bastet’s gazed into middle distance. Then she quickly looked to her right, because she thought she saw a mouse. But it was simply one of those tiny, cleaning robots and she resumed her thoughtful gaze. “The Shadow has always existed. And it will always exist. But you can defeat it this once in your life to make a difference.”

“If it always exists, then why bother trying to fight it?”

“Because existence and time isn’t linear. Everything is always going on in the present moment. Therefore, it will always exist, but it will change the course of your life, if you defeat it. That is why it is important.”

“And I have to have the amulet to defeat the Shadow?”

“Exactly! You catch on quick.”

“Thanks, the narrator gave me a character flaw of timidity but graced me with intelligence.”

“Ah, that s/he gave you so much,” sighed Bastet. “I’m sure you even have a backstory.”

“Of course, I inherited the tavern from my father, who died in a tragic marshmallow accident, and—”

“There’s no time for your plaintive querulousness! Look, if you don’t have the amulet, you’ll have to look for it. I would suggest starting in that crow’s nest there—” Bastet pointed. “Because we only have about…six minutes and forty-three seconds before the other space pirates attack. Damn Francis Drake, sold his soul to Apple, and now his consciousness lives forever in a hard drive.”

Bastet stared at Kate. “What are you waiting for? Go!”

“I can’t,” replied Kate, quivering with fear. “I told you, I’m a scaredy-cat. I can’t climb heights.”

“You’re gonna have to, because the pirates are here.”

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Chapter 7: Tests, Allies, Enemies

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Sir Francis Drake and his crew swept up from behind in the newest spaceship model, the SG-42; it even had seat-warmers. Drake had retained his humanoid form for approximately five thousand years, but a glitch happened with the latest update, so now, unfortunately, he was literally a drake. A duck. So were all his shipmates. And if you don’t think ducks are terrifying, just go down to the pond with some food and see how quickly you last.

Drake fired his cannons.

FIREBALL! FIREBALL!

MAGIC MISSILE

“Dammit!” screamed Drake. “I’m out of mana!!”

While the two crews fought like dogs and ducks, Kate wrung her little paws.

“Kate!” said Bastet, ducking from a fireball blast. “You’ll have to scale the crow’s nest! What you’ll find will help get rid of Drake and his drakes!”

Drake the rapper sauntered across the deck of the ship, looking thoroughly confused. “I thought they said I was going to be a pirate. Damn glitches.” He wandered off, never to be seen in this story again.

Kate summoned every ounce of her energy and leapt onto the mast, using her feline strength to climb. When she got to the top of the crow’s nest, she had to shoo the flock of… ravens that perched there.

Anyway, a strange, golden object shined against the black, inky void of space. The two pirate crews continued their fierce battle. The cyborgs were shooting lasers from their eyes; the androids were auto-repairing as fast as they could; and the sentient mops…well, they were trying.

Kate reached down to pick up the golden ball. As soon as she touched it, a burst of energy shot out, sending Drake and his crew into space, where they floated harmlessly until a passing ship saved them, because this narrator cannot bear to write any death in the story. After the energy burst, a huge, 8-dimensional map emerged from the golden ball. Images of canyons, waterfalls, and Disneyland rushed past, until at last, it settled on an image of a giant, supermassive black hole.

“What is that?” asked Kate. “I thought this was the amulet.”

“It’s a map,” explained Bastet. “It is showing you the way to the amulet.”

“This amulet wouldn’t happen to have any monetary value, would it?”

“No, it’s completely useless, except in a personal way.”

“Goddammit.” Kate nudged the golden ball with her nose. “Could have used it to pay the rising rent. And what is that huge, black void?” Kate pointed with her nose to the map.

“That is where you must journey, if you are to find the amulet,” said Bastet. “It is…The Void.”

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Chapter 7: Approach to the Void

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Blackbeard set a course for the supermassive black hole. He thanked Kate for her valiant service and gave her a gift of one cigarette, made with the best of tobacco. She lit it and inhaled.

“Oh my god, it tastes so good,” she said.

The narrator was well and truly envious of Kate.

“Why do book cigarettes always taste the best?” said Kate as she exhaled. “And I’m not even going to get cancer.”

Stoooop bragging…

Kate smooshed the end of the cigarette. “I’m pretty sure that was the best cigarette I’ve ever had in my life,” said Kate. “It has notes of cherry in it.”

Narrator quietly sobs in the background.

“But now it’s time to continue the journey,” continued Kate.

Soon, they were nearing the supermassive black hole. They had not yet reached the event horizon, when Blackbeard said, “Now, for purposes of plot, only two can enter the black hole.”

“Why?” said Kate. “It’s huge! We could all fit.”

“I know it’s a big plot hole,” said the Captain. “It’s as big as a…supermassive black hole.”

“Well, I guess that means you and I, Bastet,” said Kate.

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Chapter 8: Ordeal

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They suited up into their spacesuits. Blackbeard and his crew stayed well away from the event horizon. They watched as Kate and Bastet crossed the point of no return, and they began to fall deeper into the singularity. They were tied together with infinity rope, which, as its name suggests, is a long rope that goes on forever, so no matter how far into the black hole they fell, Blackbeard and his crew would always be able to pull them out. Bastet went first, then Kate.

As they traveled deeper into the black hole, every life event of Kate’s flashed before her eyes; she saw wonders and mysteries and talked to The Others. She lived a thousand lives, bore witness to millennia and took a short break for tea.

“Look!” said Kate. “I think I see the amulet.”

The amulet was exactly how one would expect an amulet to look. It was so close, in a relative way, to Bastet. She reached for it, grabbed it, then said, “All right, we can go back.”

However, dear reader, it is ever so slightly chaotic inside a black hole. Kate and Bastet discovered that the infinity rope was entangled…quantum entanglement.

“They won’t be able to pull us back if the rope is tangled,” said Bastet. “We will drag the ship passed the event horizon, and everyone will die if we don’t do something.” She glanced down into the Void. She tossed the amulet to Kate, who was able to catch it, because quantum physics says anything is possible, and the amulet appeared in her hands. Then, she gazed up at Kate. “You’ll have to cut me loose if we want to save the others.”

“No!” cried Kate. “You’re my mentor! You helped me see that I really am brave. In the few, short hours that I’ve known you, you’ve changed my life.”

“You must let me go.”

With tears in her eyes, Kate cut away the rope that tethered them together, and she watched Bastet spiral off into the darkness.

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Chapter 9: Reward

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Once they had hauled Kate back abord the ship, she took out the amulet from her spacesuit pocket. It was held on a simple, gold chain, which still didn’t have any monetary value, because the galactic system had stopped trading in gold since approximately two millennia ago.

“Well?” demanded Blackbeard. “Bastet said it held great power. Where is it?”

Kate shook the amulet, but it did nothing.

“I think it’s dead,” said Kate. “Just like how I feel inside, because Bastet is gone.”

“Well, yer still here,” said Blackbeard. “Which means we celebrate. Which means revelry. Get the rum! And set a course for home!”

All of the pirates proceeded to revel in that they defeated Drake and his drakes, that they had found the amulet, and that Kate was still alive. General debauchery was to be had all around, except from the mops, because they knew they’d have to clean up afterward. And except from Kate, who was still terribly despondent over Bastet.

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Chapter 10: Road Home

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The ship was zooming its way through the darkness of space, when an alarm cut through the foam and froth of beer and other unsavory pirate liquids.

“We’re being attacked again!” shouted Blackbeard. “This time, it’s Drake from another dimension! It’s a drake, caught in the mind of the rapper, Drake!”

Yes, dear reader, I know I said Drake wouldn’t appear in the story again. But it’s a glitch, and I cannot control glitches.

This time, Drake had brought The Shadow. The Shadow had an army of clones, ready for cannon fodder. They had also conveniently brought the only schematics that described the clone technology.

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Chapter 11: Resurrection/Last Challenge

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The battle ensued. Swords were drawn; mana summoned; laser pointers aimed. If you, dear reader, think that this narrator will not use the same joke twice, you are deliciously mistaken.

FIREBALL! FIREBALL!

MAGIC MISSILE

It was bedlam. It was chaos.

It was glorious.

“Kate!” screamed Blackbeard over the glorious, bedlamic chaos. “You’ll have to activate the amulet if we are to be saved!”

But Kate was still slightly trapped in her character flaw, but she was about to break out. She wore the amulet over her beautiful, torti fur and thought, “If the amulet isn’t worth anything on its own, maybe I had to go through this entire journey to gain the courage to find it. Maybe I’ve been braver than I’ve known.”

The amulet began to glow. Energy radiated out of it, like from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark, except this time, no one’s face melted off. From the midst of the energy glow, Bastet emerged.

“Bastet!” gasped Kate. She rubbed her face against Bastet’s leg and began to purr. “I thought you were dead.”

“Didn’t you listen to the narrator? S/he said that s/he couldn’t stand to incorporate death into the story.”

“But how is the amulet working?” Kate thought a moment. “Ohhh…it was because I realized the power has been inside me the whole time.”

“With the added bonus is that the amulet restores mana.”

Bastet and Kate booped noses. Suddenly, with her newfound courage, Kate got…the zoomies.

Kate ran around, knocking Drake over and right into the supermassive black hole, where he was transported to his appropriate alternate reality. Bastet followed him, waving goodbye to Kate. Now that her powers were restored, she used the black hole to hitch a ride back to ancient Egypt, where she would start making business cards that would one day end up in Kate’s paw.

Kate had so much energy that she glowed brighter and brighter until the force of her radiance obliterated the Shadow…for now. The energy also happened to destroy the schematics of the cat clone harvesting forever.

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Chapter 12: Return Home

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Blackbeard dropped Kate off at her tavern; now that she had spent the better part of two battles fighting alongside a dog, she was slightly less prejudiced, and invited him and all of the crew in for a drink.

“We’d love to,” said Blackbeard. “But we’d best get back to lootin’ and plunderin.’ These galactic taxes aren’t going to pay themselves.”

Kate stepped back into her tavern. It had that delicious aroma of home, after you’ve been away for so long that it smells new.

The Tax Collector was creepily waiting inside.

“It’s time to pay up,” said the cinderblock. “Your coin or your tavern.”

Kate, with her newfound courage, squared her shoulders and said, “If you think I’ll go quietly into the night, you are sorely mistaken. I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore!” Then, she bared her teeth in an act of alpha dominance.

Cinderblock, not expecting this reaction, turned over and bared his belly to her. Kate had saved her tavern.

Well, dear reader, that brings us to the conclusion of the story. Kate bid the narrator farewell—

“Farewell!”

and proceeded to live nine very long, very prosperous years. If there are any remaining loose ends or plot holes, then they are somewhere deep within the supermassive black hole.

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The End

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Praise for The Space Pirate Cat: A Sci-fi Odyssey (and Also Hero’s Journey):

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“Definitely the best Sci-fi story I’ve ever read in my entire life. I’m probably going to give up writing now.”—Carl Sagan

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“A thrilling adventure, an emotional joyride, and a beautiful coming-of-age story. Instant classic.”—Stephen King

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“Haunting, lyrical, and exceptional. Sci-fi escapism at its best.”—Ariel Slick

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[1] This is a reference to Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which the reader would know if he had read it. Alas! Still, I’m keeping it in. --Narrator