Southport

A Personal Reflection on Tragedy, Legacy, and Healing

I feel compelled to share some thoughts about Southport. This is an unusually personal post, but I have found comfort and inspiration when others have done the same such as Dr Maurice Duffy I have been thinking about it and writing all week. Maybe don't read this if you are easily upset.

The date on which Axel Rudakubana murdered those three precious children and maimed so many holds great significance for our family. Last year I wrote another very personal post about the loss of my dear sister. It was about the importance and difficulty of letting go, and a tribute to a truly wonderful person whose life was tragically taken in violent circumstances on the 29th July 2023. There are other similarities with this case, such as the use of a knife and the guilty plea that was the relief to us that the Southport families will no doubt have felt too. Those similarities are why I feel compelled to write again.

My heart goes out to the families of Southport, and those feeling deep connection to this horrific situation.

I am pleased that the judge restricted the full details of injuries from publication. We learned that the press have no such sympathy and everything that was said in court was released. Knowing that national and regional press seemingly take pleasure in releasing lurid details only adds to the traumatic experience of getting through the trial. The local press whose publications sit on the shelves of the very supermarkets and newsagents where she would have smiled and chatted. That brought it too close to home.

One reflection, and source of some comfort, is that the support for families is incredible. Family liaison through the police and victim support, a charity, are also amazing. I hope the families are receiving the same support we did.

When I posted a year ago, we were still months from trial. When tragedy strikes, you have so many questions. Why did it happen, could I have done something to stop it, many what ifs?….. But also, exactly what did happen? Pre-trial you only know what you knew at the time or what has been able to be disclosed. This week many of the relatives would have found answers. What happened - precisely. Although the stuff of nightmares, this is a source of comfort because you can then start to pin down what you need to deal with rather than what your imagination makes up for you.

Through the victim support organisation, I have had the privilege to meet other relatives bereaved by terrible crimes. Each story painfully shared seems to have a uniquely cruel factor that makes you wonder how on earth anyone could get over and live with such a thing. One learning is to accept that in reality, you will never get over it, but you will, step by step get through it. That is a message I would give to Southport.

Perhaps the cruelest factor for the Southport families is that those children were taken with so much life left to live. This is connected to legacy. At least we could celebrate with several hundred people at service of celebration of a life well lived even if cut short. For those children, not only has their life been taken, but their opportunity to build a life-long legacy. They should be remembered for the sense of fun and giggles of childhood that shine through their beaming smiles. Each WILL have left a legacy in the hearts of their families and friends, and that needs to be held tightly. It would be a tragedy if the memory of those girls was overshadowed by the evil in that mug shot.

As a society, we do need to reflect on the evil that is Rudakubana. Investigations are ongoing, and rightly so. It will help to answer the seemingly unanswerable question of why? Lessons are learned to support real action in preventing such atrocities from reoccurring and we need to understand the factors, escape points and behaviour patterns that led to that taxi ride. Growing up in the North West, I always thought of Southport as being in the shadow of Blackpool. Now perhaps the town is under the shadow of that mug shot.

Somehow we need to disconnect these children and the town from that monster. It feels like something needs to happen, an event, memorial on which to focus. Something. We need a legacy of light, not of darkness.

As for our situation, our cruel twist is that my sister was killed by her own son. He was suffering from overwhelming paranoid delusions at the time. He is not a murderer, but will also probably never be released. We have lost him too. And our feelings towards him are difficult to describe. Do we blame or hate him? He took his meds. He was not drinking or on drugs. Voices that to him were as real as anything else drove him to do it. Do we blame the carers, medical staff, mental health services? It would be easy to do so, but many of them have had to undergo trauma counselling themselves. Everyone, for the most part seemed to be doing what they thought their job was.

Throughout the development of the disease, my sister was the safety net - together with the rest of the family. If she had stopped caring, stopped loving and let him go to probably take his own life, she would still be here. But she would never, ever stop caring or loving. They are both victims of a dysfunctional system.

So, we too face years of enquiries into the events, decisions and systems that led to that day, forcing us to re-confront the trauma. We will do that because we want part of our legacy to be some fix to the overly complex mental health and welfare system that for the most part seemed to make things worse rather than better.

Finally, I’d like to point out a couple of further things that might help. Let’s think about the point of view of those whom we have lost. They leave a gaping hole in our lives that will never be filled. But they do still have a voice. I hear my sister saying that she would not want us to dwell on her loss, that she was thankful for her life, that she is in the best place and for us not to descend into despair. But instead to use her story to turn evil against itself. To win. And as a strong Christian, to balance justice with forgiveness.

We used to talk about many things, including business. We talked about the big plans for Think Better World when it was just a dreamy scheme. A voice of encouragement. So, when it came to the big decision to leap into the birth of an unfamiliar, risky venture - the motivation to give it a go, to go for the bold rather than the safe - I can hear her say - “yey bro. Give it a go”. So, one part of her legacy is that my sister is still a source of strength to her brother. And I know many others too.

Despite desperate times, there are ways to avoid despair. It helps to have an amazing family, friends and work colleagues / clients too. There is always hope. As almost impossible it may seem, in time there must be a way to make Southport a symbol of hope.

Again, my heart goes out to those poor families. And I can say no more.