About soundtracks, OCD and strength!

I love films and movie scores, which will come as no surprise. What may surprise you, though, is that I also suffer from a mental disorder. But more on that later. First, let’s go back to my passion for soundtracks.

Willow was one of my first worn-out LPs. Perhaps the name James Horner, the composer, doesn’t ring a bell. But if I tell you that he composed the music for Titanic and co-wrote Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On, you’ll probably recognize him. He received Oscars, Grammys, and Golden Globe Awards for his musical work. Sadly, he tragically passed away in 2015 due to an accident.

But what made someone like James Horner so successful? His wife, Sara Horner, gave a surprising answer to this question. In various interviews, she explained how her husband's mental disorder positively contributed to his success.* James Horner, depending on the source, suffered from autism or Asperger's syndrome. The distinction is difficult and we should leave it to doctors. What’s clear is that someone with autism, or Asperger, is sensitive to external stimuli and has difficulty with social interaction. Horner creatively managed both challenges.

For example, he decorated his studio with familiar collectibles, like vintage lava lamps and movie memorabilia, to avoid overstimulation. But most importantly, he sought to connect his ‘musical world’ with the ‘real world.’ Composing music was his way of communicating with others. To understand how well he succeeded, just listen to the themes from Braveheart, Legends of the Fall, or Avatar. You’ll notice how he painted an emotional world through his musical themes.

Unfortunately, I don’t share James Horner’s talent in that regard. If I can shape any world by strumming my guitar, it’s one clearly in decline. However, what I do share with him is a mental disorder. Since my teenage years, I’ve struggled with OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). This manifests primarily through intrusive obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors, accompanied by anxiety and tension. Depending on the severity, treatment involves cognitive behavioral therapy, medication or a neurosurgical intervention. I’ve not tried out the last one. If all this sounds heavy, well, sometimes it is. Not only for myself but also for my family. Panic attacks, restless nights, or paralyzing uncertainty are not things you’d wish on anyone. But that’s only one side of the story. Although life is better without a disorder, it’s not all doom and gloom. Sometimes, a disorder can even make you better. Fortunately, this is not only true for James Horner but also for me.

In recent weeks, I’ve managed to captivate no less than eight hundred people during my keynotes, both at home and abroad. And, with all modesty, I’m quite good at it. Part of the reason for this lies in my disorder. A negative deviation can also provide different positive insights. I’ll discuss three strengths that I hope you, without a disorder, can also use.

The first thing I learned is that empathy is the starting point of everything. Don’t assume anything! First, understand before giving advice. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard, “You shouldn’t worry so much!” Well-intentioned advice, but not really helpful for someone with an anxiety disorder. Reality is too nuanced to be captured in a simple piece of advice or a cheap quote. Through my disorder, I’ve learned to really listen, both to others and myself. This helps me enormously in my work as a speaker. Before delivering a message, it’s essential to understand the audience’s need. And this can only be achieved by learning to distinguish between symptom (what they say) and cause (what’s really going on). Make it a habit to really listen. Become an expert in asking good questions. “What keeps you awake at night?” is a good place to start.

The second is critical thinking. I frequently have to challenge my compulsive thoughts. I’ve learned to use scientific insights and rational methods for this. And that also helps in my work. Not just ‘Googling’ or recycling with ChatGPT, but conducting solid research into well-founded insights. We all get distracted, or even frightened, by what’s popular or eye-catching. Therefore, embrace science as an ally and don’t dismiss it as “just an opinion”!

Finally, I’ve learned to embrace vulnerability by daring to admit what I don’t know, can’t do, or won’t do. Things like pricing, ad hoc work, or administration all cause me excessive stress. So, I leave that to others who are better at it. And you can do that too. Many leaders today, under pressure, are reluctant to admit what they don’t know. The moment you dare to admit that you don’t know everything is the moment you begin to co-create better solutions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. This applies not only as a leader but also as a parent or young adult.

I hope this article can strengthen my fellow sufferers—you are not alone. And to everyone, I extend the invitation to see not only the weaknesses but also the strengths in yourself and others.

Link to the session: https://www.filmfestival.be/nl/events/wsa-film-music-days-james-horner-autism-and-the-creative-process-a-discussion-with-his-widow-sara-horner

And now, if you’ll excuse me, a James Horner soundtrack awaits me.