The Sound of Silence

How do you feel about the phrase, “Silence equals agreement?” Several weeks ago, my friend sent me an infographic that gave this very phrase as a tip for how to hold more effective virtual meetings. This isn’t the first time I have heard this phrase, and still I was offended. What was even more disheartening was seeing how many people loved and applauded this post. Leave it to this industry to take something so beautiful and turn it into something so toxic. Let me make one thing very clear, silence is not and will NEVER equal agreement.??

Silence is complex and beautiful. I have always believed that the moments we spend in silence together are the moments our souls connect. Silence is never quiet. Deepak Chopra says, “Silence is the great teacher and to learn its lessons you must pay attention to it.” Silence is often portrayed as an individual having nothing to say… but when we truly listen, it is then we “hear” the thoughts of an individual’s heart. If you are one who believes that silence means you are in agreement, maybe you aren’t truly listening to the words unsaid. Maybe I should give you some context as to why I am so passionate about how we view silence.?

When my daughter was in preschool, we attended her parent/teacher conference. My husband and I were a little worried about the report we were getting back as she was having tantrums at home towards the end of the day. We sat with several different teachers and heard the same words uttered from all of them: “Your daughter is so obedient. She never disrupts class and she’s such a good sharer!” Something started to feel off to me. Her teachers never mentioned any friends. After a while I finally asked if she had any friends. The teacher couldn’t think of her talking to anyone, not even her. But if a child came up to her and wanted her toy, she would give it up. In their minds – her silence meant she was in agreement.??

Selective Mutism wasn’t something my husband and I were familiar with, but it was the diagnosis we received. For those of you who may not know – Selective Mutism is a form of anxiety that renders the individual unable to speak in uncomfortable social situations. What others viewed as obedience and agreement was actually fear and discomfort. She didn’t feel safe in the world she was living in. She wanted to participate. She wanted so badly to share her thoughts and feelings about questions asked in class. She wanted a friend, any friend.??

We have worked with doctors and therapists to be advocates for our daughter. She has had fantastic teachers who have helped us find ways to help her succeed in this world. There are still bad days, but we’ve been able to better understand how to listen ourselves, and in turn teach others how to listen to the words she’s not saying.??

She now has the sweetest little friend who has been with her since kindergarten. I sat and cried as I watched my quiet girl join her friend in a cheerleading camp. She was terrified of all the people and the noise. She stood there frozen, staring at the crowd. Just as I was about to step in and ask if she wanted to go home, I watched as her friend looked at her face, took her hand, and told her it would be okay because they were doing it together. She held her hand through most of the event to make sure my little girl felt safe. No more words needed to be spoken. I watched these little friends and thought about how kids just get it. They see and understand matters of the heart. When did we lose that??

We need to stop accepting the idea that silence equals agreement. If we’re met with silence, maybe we haven’t created a safe space for individuals to share their true feelings and emotions. In her Tedx Talk, “On Having Feelings at the Workplace,” Elizabeth Finkle affirms, “everyone has a culture of emotions, even if it’s one of suppression.” We have found when teaching online, it's really easy to assume silence means your participants are learning. However, in the case of your learners, silence can just as easily mean they have disengaged with you, your content, and one another. Your job is to create a safe place to invite your learners to engage and connect. To do this we must intentionally make the right kinds of invitations. We must listen to both what is said and unsaid and adjust our invitations accordingly.??

We have been implementing these sorts of invitations and would love to share more of what we have learned with you. Reach out to us for a consultation or sign up for our facilitator course.

By Kaylie Watkins at Virtual Crown