Sorry, Not Sorry: Why Women Need to Stop Over-Apologizing

Have you ever caught yourself saying sorry for something that was not your fault, or for something that did even not require an apology?

If you're a woman, chances are you have. I can personally relate—I used to be a compulsive apologist. Research consistently shows that women tend to apologize more frequently than men, particularly in professional settings. While offering apologies when necessary demonstrates empathy and accountability, the habit of over-apologizing can carry detrimental effects on both your professional image and self-esteem.

Here are some reasons why you should stop saying sorry so much at work, and some tips on how to do it.

1. Over-apologizing can undermine your confidence and authority.

When you apologize for things that are not your responsibility or mistake, you are sending a message that you are not confident in your abilities or decisions. You are also giving others the impression that you are always at fault, or that you need their approval or forgiveness. This can hurt your credibility and influence as a leader or a team member.

2. Over-apologizing can dilute the meaning and impact of your genuine apologies.

When you say sorry too often, you are making it less meaningful and sincere. Your apologies will lose their value and power, and people will start to doubt your intentions and honesty. When you really need to apologize for something, it might not be taken seriously or accepted. To avoid this, only apologize when you have actually done something wrong or harmful, and when you are truly remorseful. Make sure your apology is specific, sincere, and followed by actions to correct or prevent the situation from happening again.

3. Over-apologizing can reinforce gender stereotypes and inequality.

Women are often socialized to be more polite, agreeable, and accommodating than men, and to avoid conflict or confrontation. This can lead to women apologizing more than men, even when they are not at fault or have nothing to apologize for. This can perpetuate the stereotype that women are weak, submissive, or inferior to men, and that they need to apologize for their presence or opinions. This can also create a double standard, where women are expected to apologize more than men, and where men are not held accountable for their actions or words. To challenge this, women need to stop apologizing for things that are not their fault, and to speak up for themselves and others when they see injustice or discrimination. Women also need to support and empower each other, and to celebrate their achievements and strengths.

"Women don't need to apologize for being assertive. We need to apologize for not being assertive enough in demanding our place at the table." - Sheryl Sandberg

How to stop over-apologizing in the workplace

If you want to stop over-apologizing in the workplace, here are some steps you can take:

• Become aware of your apology habits. Pay attention to how often and why you say sorry, and how it makes you feel. Notice if there are any patterns or triggers that make you apologize more. You can also ask for feedback from your colleagues or friends, or record yourself during a meeting or a presentation, and listen to how you sound.
• Challenge your apology thoughts. When you feel the urge to apologize, ask yourself if you have really done something wrong, or if you are just following a habit or a social norm. Ask yourself if an apology is necessary or appropriate for the situation, or if there is a better way to express yourself. Ask yourself what you are afraid of, or what you are trying to achieve, by apologizing.
• Replace your apologies with alternative phrases. Instead of saying sorry, try to use more confident and positive language, such as "thank you", "I appreciate", "I understand", "I agree", "I disagree", "I suggest", "I request", or "I propose". For example, instead of saying "Sorry, I don't agree with that", say "I disagree, and here is why". Instead of saying "Sorry, can you repeat that?", say "Can you please repeat that?"
• Practice and reinforce your new habits. Changing your apology habits can take time and effort, but it is possible and rewarding. Practice using alternative phrases in your daily conversations, and notice how they make you feel and how others respond to you. Praise yourself for your progress, and seek support from others who share your goal. Remember that you are not alone, and that you have nothing to apologize for being yourself.

Final Words

Apologizing is a valuable skill that can help you build trust and rapport with others, but only when it is done sincerely and appropriately. Over-apologizing can have negative effects on your professional image and self-esteem, and can reinforce gender stereotypes and inequality. By becoming aware of your apology habits, challenging your apology thoughts, replacing your apologies with alternative phrases, and practicing and reinforcing your new habits, you can stop over-apologizing in the workplace, and start communicating with more confidence and authority.

Don't apologize for speaking up or taking charge. Your voice matters, your ideas are valuable, and you have every right to assert yourself in the workplace.

You deserve to be heard and respected, and you have nothing to be sorry for.