Sorry, Not Sorry. Why we Need Leaders Who Apologise Sincerely.

We're human, we hurt each other, we get hurt and there's a way through that, but that way through depends on the ability to deliver an accepted, powerful apology.

We're all imperfect human beings, we're all connected and we all make mistakes so the need to give and receive an apology is a critical leadership and life skill. A humble and heartfelt apology can build bridges, strengthen relations, build trust and connection, help to heal hurt, and create huge opportunity for growth - yet so many leaders struggle with saying these three little words with genuine emotional connection, empathy or awareness for those they are delivering their apology to - and, interestingly, also to themselves. Many may say the words and some may even resign from their role as a consequence of their actions, but often we see and hear apologies that only deepen the original injury and show a complete lack of connection, remorse, compassion or care.

Making an apology to another (or others) should be a gift to the hurt party to release them from the anger, sadness or bitterness they likely feel and allow them to feel safe, seen, heard and validated. Counter-intuitively, it can also be a gift to the self, despite the fact that many leaders fear apologising will make them feel small, vulnerable and not "in control". Real concerns for leaders include fear of the unknown and what may happen if they admit a level of responsibility. Will it jeopardise their standing and career? Will it unleash more anger and criticism making the situation worse, before it gets better? Or will they lose "power over" others, which although now is an outdated mode and style of leadership, is still a very practised way of working for some.

In May 2020, I listened to a two-episode podcast special of Unlocking Us with Brene′ Brown and Dr. Harriet Lerner who has been studying apologies - and why some people won't give them - for more than two decades. Based on a collaborative course following Lerner's 2017 groundbreaking book Why Won’t You Apologise?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts the book (and the podcast) offers stories and solid theory around how much the simple apology matters - and what is required for healing when the hurt we've inflicted (or received) is far from simple.

Lerner explains what drives both the non-apologiser and the over-apologiser, as well as why the people who do the worst things are the least able to own up. She also advises there are three key ways to ruin an apology - avoid taking responsibility, making a "mystifying apology" and bargaining for forgiveness - something we see with leaders much of the time.

When last week the current British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson gave what has since been highly described as a typical political "non-apology" , making a statement about parties at No. 10 Downing Street during lockdown which contained the words "I want to apologise" and "I offer my heartfelt apologies" whilst advising there was really nothing to apologise for, far from repairing relations, it compounded the original offence and left many feeling blamed, shamed and angrier than they were before. As further revelations appear, an enquiry is underway but it seems pretty clear to most that a culture of drinking and do as I say, not do as I do, as even the Queen obeyed the rules, is something that demands the most sincere of apologies and not the waffle and deflections that seem to have come so far. Leaders who move too quickly into a space where the apology becomes all about them to take the focus off their mistakes or to justify their actions, miss the purpose of their apology and can do more harm than good.

When Prince Andrew, who vehemently denies any wrongdoing with Virginia Giuffre, was asked in his ill-fated and now notorious Newsnight interview with Emily Maitlis, if he had any regret at his long term friendship with sex trafficker and rapist Jeffrey Epstein, or for what Giuffre says happened between them when she was 17, he only apologised for acting in a way that's unbecoming of the royal family rather than show any remorse for Epstein's victims, which include Giuffre. Now facing a sexual abuse lawsuit and the prospect of appearing in a New York court, Giuffre's friends have commented recently, that an acknowledgement of wrongdoing was all she previously wanted to hear.

This week Credit Suisse Chairman, Antonio Horta-Osorio, previously hailed for his work in opening up the conversation around mental health at work, resigned with immediate effect after breaking quarantine rules, ironically attending the Wimbledon tennis finals in July to see Novak Djokovic at a time when the UK's Covid-19 restrictions required him to be in quarantine. The former CEO of Lloyds Banking Group hired to help the bank after a series of scandals had previously stated "We are committed to developing a culture of personal responsibility and accountability" which left him with no real alternative than to regret his actions and step down.

Faux or non-apologies may be the stuff of spin doctors, to say the right words in all the wrong ways, but real leaders know that being genuinely sorry and openly accountable is a powerful platform on which they can stand.

What's needed to make a True or Sincere Apology?

Dr. Harriet Lerner created nine essential ingredients as an extensive go-to for a true apology and I've listed below. I agree all are vital yet speaking to some brilliant leaders recently (hence this article update) what is also key is the intention and emotional intelligence that is in place first, which will set the tone and increase your chances of success.

• We have to be willing to extend empathy and let go of our shame. As Brene′ Brown teaches: Empathy builds connection and is the antidote to shame. In a true apology we have to bring empathy both to ourself and the hurt party and be willing to go to a place where we connect with something in ourself that knows the feeling the other is feeling. An apology may bring up painful memories or feelings we'd prefer to avoid or admit to - and this may make us feel vulnerable. But an apology without empathy is unfortunately pretty meaningless.
• We need to adopt curiosity and a "learning / tell me more" energy so a shared reality can be created, with the apology flowing from here. All of us have different lived experiences and often deep hurt is caused unintentionally, purely through a lack of understanding. We need to acknowledge this (and often check our own privilege) to be on the same page with the hurt party to understand why that throw-away comment you made was so incredibly hurtful to another, why they may only be speaking up about this issue now, why it's so important you understand how they feel.. Leaders who are wishing to stay in a place of "power over" versus "power with" will struggle here (which brings us to..)
• We are willing to acknowledge we are imperfect, be uncomfortable and G-R-O-W. When we listen and learn with our focus on growth and expansion, genuine connection and understanding will follow. As a strong and effective leader we need to be able to sit and be present in the uncomfortable places and adopt a "learn-it-all" rather than "know-it-all" attitude, admit when we misjudged or misunderstood, and deal with the issues head on. (I always think of the Maya Angelou quote re-shared by Oprah "When you know better, do better".) We have to do the personal growth work to reflect and move out of our own shame, pain, fixed thinking and old beliefs to a place where we can accept responsibility and show up from here.

Without the above groundwork it's almost impossible to embrace these nine which is why so many apologies we see are really missing the mark.

Here are Lerner's recommendations:

1. Does not include the word “but” (I'd also add the word "if" and the words "you feel" which will totally shift responsibility and negate the apology as in "I'm sorry if I hurt you." "I'm sorry if you feel..").

2. Keeps the focus on your actions and not on the other person’s response

3. Includes an offer of reparation or restitution that fits the situation

4. Does not over do

5. Doesn’t get caught up in who’s more to blame or who started it

6. Requires that you do your best to avoid a repeat performance

7. Should not serve to silence

8. Shouldn’t be offered to make you feel better if it risks making the hurt party feel worse

9. Does not ask the hurt party to do anything, not even to forgive

Why do some people not apologise?

Aside from the fears listed earlier, apologies can trigger shameful childhood experiences and memories. Children can often feel forced to make an apology, are unclear about what they have done wrong and then lectured even when they say sorry, leading them to believe well into adulthood, that it's not worth saying the words as it will only be confusing and lead to more feelings of shame, blame or guilt. Instead of learning the value and importance of an apology - to deepen connection and relationship - they learn and make a myriad of false meanings and beliefs about themselves, others and the world, which puts them in a place of reluctance and avoidance that they carry forward into every area of their life.

Low self-worth (or an artificially developed sense of over-importance) will make it not only challenging to apologise but incredibly scary, and boys who are raised to believe tropes like "real men don't apologise" will also add to an avoidant apology mindset. In the case of Mr Johnson it has been highlighted in a now viral letter from his former teacher at Eton, that as a 17 year old he "sometimes seems affronted when criticised for what amounts to a gross failure of responsibility". It seems the behaviour he displays now, was seeded long ago but had he invested in deeper personal growth work and chosen to speak from a place where he genuinely wanted to build connection and was willing to really connect with the pain his actions stirred up, he might have received a very different response.

In Brene′ Brown's Dare to Lead, Brave Work, Tough Conversations, Whole Hearts Brown states that apologising and backing that up with behaviour change - which is key - is normalised in her own organisation from day one. She admits that while some leaders consider apologising to be a sign of weakness, they teach it as a skill and frame the willingness to apologise and make amends as brave leadership.

It's almost impossible to be in tough conversations or in a leadership position today and not come out recognising you could've done better yet so many leaders still lack the emotional intelligence, courage, awareness and accountability to own their mistakes, know how to apologise (it is an art and more simple yet complex than many understand) and critically, then make amends.

Thank you for your apology. I appreciate it.

Growth around apologies cannot be overstated. To model the growth mindset, we need to share with those we work with that we are learning, evolving and have growth edges that need work - and when inevitably we get things wrong, we care enough to acknowledge this and change. Shifting, deflecting or avoiding the issues just compounds the problem that we still have with leaders who are unable to say they are sorry and mean it - but leaders who apologise and come from a place of responsibility and emotional maturity, demonstrate strong self-esteem and build more authority and self-respect.

Equally, when an apology is sincere there is no need to add to it and the more we can learn as recipients to receive and give thanks, the more heartfelt the apologies and expansion that will come to us.

Do Apologies Work?

Join myself, Animah Kosai, Vernon Adrian Emuang and Charles Matheus on Clubhouse this Thursday 20 January 8am EST / 1pm GMT / 9pm Malaysia / Singapore to discuss Meaningful Apologies as part of the Speak Up Collective.

Note: The above event has now taken place but a replay is available where you can hear the conversation. I would like to thank the above for their insights and the additional comments from Milisa Burns and Caroline Hopkins which helped to richen this article.