Sorry, Not Sorry: When to Apologize and When to “NOPE!”

I was getting a blood test, and the nurse said, “Your veins are tiny,” and I replied, “Oh, sorry.” I later wondered why I apologized for my body’s natural state.

Last night I underestimated dinner prep time, causing a fifteen-minute delay, and apologized twice to my husband for being so late. He was chilling, reading, and had no clue that I was late.??

In the same week, my husband mentioned something small I said that hurt his feelings. My initial reaction was, “Get over it.” I knew I should apologize, but it felt like coughing up a hairball. It struck me how difficult it was to say sorry, but truth be told?my biggest desire was to fire back with a list of things he said to me recently that I didn’t like.

Reflection on apologizing

I’ve been reflecting on what gets stirred up in me when it comes to apologizing. Women in particular often say “I’m sorry” on calls or in meetings. When I ask what they’re apologizing for, most of the time they don’t really know. It’s become a habit to apologize for taking up space, asking for help, or having a need. Why are we conditioned to apologize for needing help?

We’re also conditioned to “tough things out,” so when our energy is lower, our mind isn’t as sharp, or we’re just plain tired, we apologize for being “less than” because we expect ourselves to have an endless supply of energy. We compare ourselves with others who seem more resilient and feel less than, apologizing for our weaknesses.

Fear of apologizing

I’ve noticed a pattern in myself, especially with my husband, where I feel terrified to apologize for something I’ve done. I realize that I have a deep fear of not being forgiven or being seen as unworthy of forgiveness and love if I make a mistake. In high-stakes situations, if I mess up and he points it out, I immediately list things he should apologize for first. This is not the partner and wife I want to be. I’ve been unpacking the origins of this belief, practicing self-compassion, and learning to trust that I’m still worthy of forgiveness and love despite my missteps.

Importance of self-awareness

As someone who values self-awareness and emotional intelligence, understanding my relationship with apologies is crucial. I want to be strong enough to apologize when I cause unintentional harm and strong enough to not overapologize for taking up space or for being a woman.

Apologizing unnecessarily

When we apologize unnecessarily:

• We decrease our self-esteem and reinforce a negative self-image.
• We leak energy and can become emotionally exhausted.
• We increase stress and anxiety by overthinking and worrying about others’ perceptions.
• We can stir up feelings of chronic guilt, which is emotionally draining.

At work, overapologizing can create an impression of a lack of confidence, insincerity, or neediness.

Our body signals us through muscle tension, headaches, digestive issues, and sleep disturbances, all triggered by stress and anxiety. Our mind spins, we become anxious and stressed, and our body signals that this isn’t good for us.

Overapologizing can blur personal boundaries, making it difficult to say no because we want to please people. It can also make it difficult to share our own needs or ask for help, leading to a tendency to prioritize others over ourselves.

Resisting apologies

On the opposite end, resisting apologizing requires reflection on the source and reason for the resistance. Our pride and ego can get easily bruised if we admit a mistake or wrongdoing. We fear feeling weak, and apologizing makes us feel vulnerable, which we can equate with weakness. We can feel shame or embarrassment and fear consequences, like not being forgiven. In personal relationships, we can gather data showing we’ve been hurt too and decide to harbor resentments that justify our behavior or decision not to apologize.

Not apologizing can potentially have the following impacts:

• You can carry guilt and regret that lead to mental distress.
• Your actions and values become incongruent, causing stress.
• Relationships become strained, and unresolved issues can stir up resentment and bitterness.
• Failing to apologize signals to others that we don’t understand the impact of our actions, leaving holes in the relationship.
• Not apologizing can lead to physical symptoms similar to those experienced by overapologizers as well as added cardiovascular issues due to anger and resentment.

In both cases, we lose energy, productivity, and access to our full intelligence because we’re in our head and can’t listen to our heart or intuition.

Call to action

Join me in reflecting for the next thirty days on your relationship with apologizing. When do you say sorry for things you shouldn’t? What patterns are you noticing? What happens if you stop? Catch yourself and see how your body feels when you choose not to.

When do you feel justified in not apologizing, and is there something to look more deeply into? What effect does not apologizing have on your mind and body?

30-day apology reflection checklist

Daily reflection questions:

1. Did I apologize today? If yes, for what?
2. Was the apology necessary? Why or why not?
3. How did I feel after apologizing?
4. Did I avoid apologizing when it was needed? Why?
5. How did not apologizing impact my thoughts and feelings?

Weekly review

1. How many times did I apologize unnecessarily or avoid apologizing this week?
2. What patterns am I noticing in my apologies?
3. Did I feel more confident or less anxious by avoiding unnecessary apologies?
4. How did my body respond to the change in my apologizing habits?
5. Did I notice any improvement in my relationships?

Final reflection (after 30 days)

1. What have I learned about my relationship with apologizing?
2. Did reducing unnecessary apologies affect my self-esteem and energy levels?
3. How has understanding when to apologize and when not to changed my interactions?
4. What steps can I take to maintain a healthy balance in my apologizing habits?
5. How can I continue to practice self-awareness and emotional intelligence in my daily life?

Feel free to print this checklist and use it daily to help reflect on your apologizing habits and make positive changes over the next thirty days.