Sorrow, Grief, Joy, and Therapy

When I was 9 or 10 years old, my cousin had an accident while trying to get on a bus, and fell to his death. I had spent some time with my cousin, but I don't remember us being very close. I may have gone to other funerals before that, but this one's hardcoded in my memory banks - a core memory, if you will.

At the funeral, there were a lot of people. My aunt (my cousin's mother) was inconsolable with grief. She sat on the floor in a corner of the house. My mother, her sisters, and a few other relatives were seated around her. They were crying too. Occasionally, another female relative would come into the room, hold my aunt's hand, and join the others on the floor.

The men, including my uncle, and father were outside the house, standing. A male relative would arrive, shake my uncle's hand, share his condolences and move along to where the other men were standing and conversing.

As a kid, I understood what had happened, in a very rational way. But, I could not comprehend the emotions all around me, know how to express, or process any feelings I was having.

That would be the case for the longest time in my life - an inability to comprehend the more difficult or complex emotions, to express, and process them.

Over the years, I had accumulated those emotions - sadness, anger, grief, and resentment, and everything else that was an offshoot of those emotions. That affected how I experienced joy, and happiness as well.

There's a complex answer as to why joy or happiness were fleeting as well. The simpler answer is that all the other emotions gurgling in my head left little space for love, joy, and happiness.

It took some therapy, more therapy with CBT, and TikTok to realize what had been missing all along, and how to make my way out through the amazonian jungle of emotions in my head. Undoing all of that will not happen in a jiffy, and it's an ongoing process.

Therapy has helped bring me back some joy, love, courage, and helped reduce my anxious thoughts. I consider myself lucky and privileged to be able to go to therapy, and have friends and family who have supported me along in this process.

Taking myself to therapy was the best thing I did for myself.