Sometimes You Have To Quit

Today marks a monumental milestone in my life—365 days of smoking-free living, a habit that gripped me for eight years. This article is something I have been thinking about writing for a long time. All of us can learn from this experience. The process of getting addicted and quitting has taught me a lot. I think it can teach you a lot too. But this article is dedicated to everyone who has been bound by nicotine handcuffs and has the ability to change their lives today. I feel you. I was there not too long ago. I personally am familiar with a lot of people - friends, peers, colleagues, family members, and people from all walks of life - who are smokers and have the power to break the habit. I would like to start by saying 'you can quit too'. It's not going to be easy, but I know you can do it. I know you will do it. I just want you to join me sooner than otherwise. I am waiting for you all to take my hand so we can walk this road together. I wish for you to feel how I feel today as I write this article. I want you to experience freedom from tobacco (or marijuana, or any other form of smoking). The feeling of letting go of smoking is inexplicable. I wish I could write it for you, but you won't understand what I mean until you join me. So, for the rest of this article, I will discuss my journey through the years of chain-smoking to the struggle of quitting and, finally, the freedom and newfound identity that came with it. I will try my best to make a strong case and hopefully at the end of it, you will take the first step towards quitting.

Starting Young (2014 - 2015)

Like most smokers, I started young. I took my first puff at 18. I was probably an 11th grader with curiosity. Now that I look back, smoking seems like an adult thing to do, maybe even a rite of passage. It was my 18th birthday when I tried cigarettes for the first time. I still remember the first puff vividly. My friend X (we will just call them X for anonymity)and I got a couple of Benson Switch (known in the USA as 'crush' like Camel Crush or Marlboro NXT) and headed to a corner outside our highschool. I think my first drag ran very smoothly and I was surprised. I had always seen in movies (and heard from people) that the first drag would definitely make you cough your life out. I guess that small detail was very relevant, of course, at the time I didnt think. I must have thought I was pretty good at it after the first drag was smooth. Maybe that's why I did it a second time, then a third, and so on. However, little did I know that this "rite" would become a lifestyle that stuck with me for almost a decade.

Moving to the United States and Fueling the Habit (2015 - 2019)

Just one year after that first cigarette, I moved to the United States. I left behind my family, friends, and everything I knew and loved. I stepped out to start over in life. I came to the land of the free, the home of the brave, to make a home for myself. Of course, all of this was very overwhelming. But it was also a great blessing. Being from Dhaka, Bangladesh, and having a green card in the United States was like being born with a golden spoon. I didn't have to worry about visas and immigration like most international students. I didn't even have to worry about getting high grades or anything like that since I could just start school at a local community college. And that is exactly what I did. Some of my most loving relatives let me stay at their home for two years. I finished my Freshman and Sophomore years of my undergraduate degree at the local community college while living with my uncle and aunt. This was like blessings on top of blessings. Now I didn't have to worry about a visa, grades, or food and shelter. I lived the American Dream!

However, unbeknownst to me, all of that did very minimally for my mental health. I was doing great, but at the time, I was severely depressed and had intense social anxiety. I did not know what depression or anxiety was back then. I thought this was how it was supposed to be, and this is how everyone feels. Growing up in Bangladesh, we never learned much about mental health. It was almost taboo. Even though I was lucky, my parents (who are both doctors) always created a safe environment for me to express myself. Still, the lack of awareness is critical. At 19 years of age, fresh off the boat, I convinced myself that depression is part of life and severe anxiety is something everyone deals with. I consoled myself by remembering how fortunate I am for all the pleasant things.?

Within a few months, I started college and now it was time to start a part-time job. I was told that to really live the American Dream, I would have to get a job and earn my own pocket money. I thought that was a fair deal. I was very eager to earn my own money. After all, I had to pay for gas (my parents bought me my first car - it was a deal we made when I migrated. If I moved to Texas, I would get a car.. so the choice was simple), and any other car related expenses. Within a short time, I landed a job at a convenience store - a place that ironically made cigarettes all too convenient for me. If you thought I forgot about cigarettes, I was just setting the stage for the next portion. We are still talking about smoking!

Between 2015 and 2018, I worked as a part-time clerk at QuikTrip. It was an excellent place to work. Out of all the convenience stores in North Texas, QuikTrip is definitely one of the top two or three. The job, for me however, was quite stressful. It was demanding, both physically and mentally at times. You have to remember, I was the eldest son of two doctors in Bangladesh. I never had to lift a finger at home. I would ring a bell and someone would bring water for me. Cleaning the toilet? That is outrageous. I barely make my bed! In short, I was a spoilt brat (we weren't like crazy rich Asians, it's just more affordable to get household help in countries like Bangladesh). So I found the QuikTrip job very demanding. We were on our feet for 8 hours, running around the busy store, making sure everything was 100% up to scratch. Those hours went fast. It got even faster when I took cigarette breaks. We technically didn't have breaks in our shift, but we could "step outside to sweep the lot" and walk around for five to ten minutes every couple of hours.?

During this time, I became a chain smoker. Smoking cigarettes was a crucial part of my life. I smoked at least half a pack a day if not more. The occasional marijuana, too! It was during those "breaks'' at work that cigarettes felt like freedom. Those ten minutes of smoke breaks every two hours, that was my time to unwind. I slowly made smoking part of my identity. Twenty-year-old Shahad thought smoking was cool. It made me feel older or more mature, please don't ask me why. For some reason, it gave me peace. The first cigarette of the morning, before heading to class, a few between classes, one to mark the end of class and then four or five more during work. Of course, the last one of the day was after dinner, right before bed. It was almost ceremonial. My life could be all over the place, but my cigarettes were right on time, every time, every day.?

This is how smoking normalized for me. I wasn't thinking about it anymore. It was a habit. There was no reason for it. I just smoked. Throughout the day, I attended tobacco's call (like nature's call), and I did so regularly. Some of my friends from school and work smoked with me. So it was entertaining. My cigarettes were almost something I looked forward to!

After finishing my time at the local Community College, I transferred to the University of North Texas for my Junior and Senior year (Yes, I was making progress, just not with quitting smoking). Around this time, an unprecedented technological revolution led to the massive popularity of "vaping". Now we could use an electronic device that looked like a flash drive, to vape anywhere, at any time, very discreetly. And most importantly, it was going to help us quit this oh-so-terrible habit! Some even advertised that they were less harmful than cigarettes. Of course, at this point, I was convinced. I had to try it out. I mean, come on! I smoked cigarettes. Vapes wouldn't hurt. In fact, vapes were our saviors. The knight in black and shining armor was also known as JUUL.?

After JUUL was introduced, I cut down on cigarettes. It worked as promised. However, soon enough, I found out that JUUL was just as much, if not more addictive than any cigarette that touched my lips. I went through those pods like nobody's business. They really came up with the iPhone of cigarettes. Kudos to that team, for sure.?

In 2019 I graduated from UNT with a Bachelor of Science in Supply Chain Management. At the same time, I landed a job at PepsiCo in the Routing Intelligence Center. This was a dream come true. Not only did I finish my undergraduate degree, I worked in one of the most efficient supply chains in the world.?

Things were looking very well, the grass was finally greener for the first time, I was living through the "American Dream". I continued vaping. Now there was a buffet of vaping devices available at thousands of smoke shops on every corner. Smoking a few cigarettes here and there. My nicotine intake at this point was higher than ever. I had my vape next to my pillow in bed. It was the first thing I did when I opened my eyes in the morning, and it was the last thing I did before shutting my eyes at night. Things were working really well.

The Struggle to Quit (2019 - 2021)

Over the years, I lost count of how many times I said, "This is my last cigarette." But each time, nicotine imprisonment held me back. It felt like an endless cycle of broken promises to myself. I could hardly stop for more than three days without lighting up that cigarette or hitting that vape. I think all my friends at this point were also at a similar stage. I never complained about how terrible my habits had become. And I never heard my peers talk about it. We lived in a bubble where smoking was just a part of our lives.?

At the end of 2019, as we moved into 2020, the world fell victim to the monster known as Covid 19. Things got more difficult this time. There was a pandemic occurring and I had to hold on to my vape as hard as I could. Amidst all the uncertainty, I had nicotine to keep me afloat. This was my one constant. Worried about covid harming your lungs? Take another hit of that vape. It will calm you down!

As if things could not get any more difficult, in August of 2020, I was diagnosed with Kidney Stones that had to be removed with surgery. Those of you who have had kidney stones will recognize what I'm saying. So you can skip this part. For everyone else, let me tell you, if you thought you experienced pain when someone kicked your testicles (read balls), you will be amazed at how high the scale of pain actually reaches. To keep things short, I will fast forward. It Was excruciatingly painful. I had to be taken to the ER. Eventually I had to remove the stones surgically. It was a difficult time. Post-surgery was even harder. In the end, I won't go into the details, but the scale of pain had once again exceeded expectations.

During this time, I really thought I could turn things around. I was determined that after all of this is said and done, I will get rid of every bad habit that I have. I will do absolutely anything in this world to not feel that level of pain again.But lo and behold, nicotine kept me calm and helped me compensate for all of those pain-filled weeks. I think I stopped for a day or two during surgery and after. But it picked right back up when I walked a few steps. I celebrated my recovery by smoking.?

Time passed, vaccines were introduced, and the world got back to how it was. Once again, I was not bothered by my nicotine use. I vaped subconsciously and occasionally smoked cigarettes. Life was good. Things were going great.

The Breaking Point (2022)

After my episode with kidney stones, even though I could not quit smoking, I brought some positive changes to my life. I continued to learn about kidney stones and how they formed and most importantly how to prevent them in the future. My urologist told me that half of all men who have kidney stones usually have them more than once in their lifetime.Needless to say, I was not impressed by these statistics.?

Between 2020 and 2022, I started taking my health more seriously. I guess kidney stones really shook me. Or maybe I just didn't want to be unhealthy anymore. (I am still obese. I have not yet finished my journey to good health. We will save that for a later article, maybe in a few years). I read about how alcohol or fizzy drinks can be problematic for kidney stones. So the first positive change I made was abstaining from alcohol and fizzy drinks. Now, I was never a huge alcohol fan. So putting a permanent stop to that was easy. Fizzy drinks on the other hand, I was very much a fan of. I enjoyed my Pepsi, Mountain Dew, and sometimes even Coke! (Please don't be angry, PepsiCo. Pepsi over Coke any day!). However, this was a choice I had to make. I had to do everything I could, in my power, to prevent health related issues. So I stopped drinking fizzy drinks for good. However, I did not find any relation between kidney stones and nicotine (I think I avoided articles that connected the two, I was biased). So I was still the same old nicotine head.?

Within a few months of making these changes, I could tell I was feeling better. I didn't consume alcohol, I didn't drink soda, and now this was becoming a part of my identity. I transformed from "Shahad, the smoker" into "Shahad, the guy who doesn't drink, not even soda!"

I think I liked this new identity. The fact that I was able to make a change in my lifestyle for my own betterment gave me a tremendous level of satisfaction that I had never gotten before. I felt better in terms of my physical health, but more importantly, I saw changes in my mental health too. I felt better about myself. I enjoyed this updated Shahad. I think during this time, subconsciously, I started wanting to quit smoking. After all, if I could quit one more remorseful habit for my own betterment, maybe I would get even more gratification. I am not sure if that really happened because I just thought of this theory as I wrote the article. Maybe that had nothing to do with it.

It was finally the morning of August 27, 2022. Something clicked. For the first time in eight years, I was disgusted by the thought of inhaling toxic smoke or vapor for the sake of a few seconds of pleasure. I woke up that morning and felt the strongest urge to never let anything toxic get inside my body. It was a very unsettling feeling at the moment. It was very unlike me. Every morning I hit my vape. So I was not sure why I felt this way. I am still unable to figure out what ran through my mind. But for some reason, I just could not stand the thought of letting some god awful chemicals pass through my throat and into every inch of my body. I realized I had to use this moment. And that was exactly what I did. At that moment, I made a conscious decision to never smoke again. I wanted to prove to myself that I was strong enough to be honest with myself. It was a challenge from my conscious mind to my inner soul. I promised myself that I would never smoke again. And if I can't keep a promise to myself, how can I be honest with myself? And that was that. I cracked the code.?

I never threw away my last vape, or my last cigarette pack. This was a part of me being honest with myself. Even if I had a full pack of cigarettes, or a brand new vape right in front of me, I would still never smoke again. If I am a man of my words, I have to be a man of my words - especially to myself.?

The struggle is real

Quitting was agonizing. Like every other time I tried to quit, even this time, my hands itched for nicotine. The cravings, the irritability, the discomfort—it was a physical and mental battle. Cigarettes were the most addictive thing I'd ever encountered, and breaking free felt nearly impossible. But every time I thought about falling back, I reminded myself of the promise. I had made a deal, and I would stick by my side no matter how challenging it was. And I swear it was difficult. I will not sugarcoat it. The first couple of weeks, I felt like something inside me was missing. The absence of smoke or vapor flowing through my throat practically suffocated me every day. I was restless beyond my ability to express it. All I can say is that I never experienced more restlessness than during those couple of weeks. Several times, I almost did it. I almost fell back. It happened more than once. But I was done with this feeling. I never felt more determined. Every time I nearly fell, I got stronger, and my desire to quit kept growing. I became a strong quitter. I was quitting hard!

That is the truth. The first few weeks were the most challenging, especially when I was around my smoking friends.The smell of smoke triggers cravings, and temptation lurks around the corner. Then again, I just had to be determined for another day, and then another, and then another.?

Then one fine day, I wasn't thinking about it anymore. Just like I smoked subconsciously, after a few months of quitting, I was a non-smoker subconsciously. Like it was always like this. I was back to my natural state. After eight years of continuously smoking, I quit for a month, and then another, and another. Slowly but surely, I reached 3 months. Now I could stand right close to my smoking friends while several cigarettes were lit. I had zero desire to participate. Then one day it had been six months. By then, I was genuinely unaware of how long it had been. Thank God I had set a reminder on my iPhone.?

Today, on August 27, 2023, there was a notification on my phone. It said "One year of quitting nicotine".?

I did it.?

Unveiling the Underlying Issue

The more I distanced myself from smoking (or drinking, or marijuana or any substance of abuse for that matter), the clearer it became that I had used cigarettes as a coping mechanism for my deep-rooted anxiety. I wasn't just addicted to nicotine; I was addicted to the false sense of relief it provided. I couldn't tell until I examined myself from the outside. After quitting, I had the time and privilege to analyze what was going on with me and why I was having trouble quitting. Everything pointed in one direction. It was anxiety.?

Anxiety is real. It is a challenge. It is especially challenging to recognize and accept it. The first step, however, is to embrace it. The sooner you embrace it, the more comfortable you will be in dealing with it.?

It is difficult at first. Take it from me. On the outside, I seem like a very extroverted individual who can be confident in most settings. But that doesn't change the fact that I have anxiety. Anxiety comes in different shapes and sizes. The only way you can identify it is by being transparent about your feelings and thoughts. If you are unable to talk about your feelings, you will continue to have a hard time embracing anxiety. Once you can talk about it openly and accept your situation, you can eventually make it a part of who you are. You can maybe even find a way to use it to your advantage. But you need to talk about it. You need to recognize it. And finally, you need to embrace it.?

It is okay to be anxious. You are not alone! There are more of us out here than not. And you don't have to do everything in one day. None of us learned to walk without falling down a few times. We can take baby steps. Just by talking about mental health, you start the journey. You just need to keep pushing forward. I promise, the grass on the other side is greener.

Confronting Anxiety Head-On

Once I determined what anxiety is and how it affects me, instead of masking it with smoke, I decided to confront it. I accepted it, talked openly about it, and actively worked to manage it. It wasn't easy, but it was necessary.

I found others within my close friends or family who felt similar to me and spoke about how I felt. We can build our own community and hear each other out. If we have anything to suggest, we might be able to give and take suggestions. But even being heard can be helpful.

If you find that you need more help, you can always seek professional help. Just like arthritis is a condition that can be managed, anxiety is also a condition that can be managed. It is just like any other health issue. Yes, anxiety doesn't induce physical pain like arthritis, but it may get in the way of your daily life in other ways. This is why there are mental health professionals. Help is available. If you are not comfortable with taking medicines, you can skip a visit to the psychiatrist and instead, start by speaking with a therapist. Therapists are professional listeners, who can give you valuable insights into how to manage any condition without medicines.

Once I began taking care of my mental health, I learned more about myself. It didn't all happen in one day. It needs time to open up to a mental health professional. But the most significant step is to start. Eventually, as you become more comfortable opening up to your mental health professional, you can discuss anything and everything. Once you can speak about and identify your feelings and emotions, you can get to know yourself better.?

Become your own best friend, and things will fall into place!

Turning the Tide

Despite the obstacles, every smoke-free day made the next easier. The cravings lessened, my mood improved, and slowly but surely, I adapted to a new lifestyle—one that didn't revolve around smoking. Now I am not chained to nicotine. I am not handcuffed to cigarettes. I can't remember the last time I craved a smoke. I feel better about myself. Not only physically, but mentally too. Quitting smoking helped me with anxiety and depression. I am less anxious, and I spend more time being grateful for the time I have spent and the time remaining. It's a wonderful feeling. A year has passed, and the changes are staggering. My anxiety has improved significantly, my blood pressure is stabilizing, and most of all, I feel better about myself. The chains have finally been broken. I am no longer shackled by the "need to smoke" or the "need to vape". It feels liberating, and I am not exaggerating.?

I am proud of myself. There have been very few instances where I was proud of something I did, or something I accomplished (I try to set my own bar pretty high). But today, I am awe-inspired of my own accomplishment. I have proven myself - to myself -?

Indeed, I am a man of my word.?

Today, being a non-smoker is not just an attribute; it's part of my identity. If I can quit after eight years, so can you. It's never too late to rewrite your story.?

Do it! Make yourself proud! Come join me on this wonderful journey of life. I am waiting for you where the grass is much greener.