Sometimes, we outgrow things we love...

Many of us are fortunate to have a few lifelong friends who we have known from childhood, high school or even college who we love and adore. These are the people you laugh with, reminisce and tease with old jokes and stories from days gone by. These people and relationships while cherished, can also no longer fit the people we are today.

As I continue to talk with, interview and connect with Executive Women from all over the world, from all industries, and life stages, there is one resounding theme that continues to emerge...we feel more alone and lonely than ever and we crave meaningful, transparent connection and a community of other women who understand, or at least have the capacity to understand all the things we deal with on a day to day basis and what keeps us up at night.

Research Shows Women Don’t Thrive on Hierarchy

From an article in The Glass Hammer-One of the keys to the ‘loneliness’ issue, is that, in general, women have a different way of finding security than men. Women crave affirmation to feel secure, but most do not find this at the top.

This isn’t some sort of sad thing, and doesn’t mean women are inferior. It’s just how we are built. And it’s to do with hormones and the way we compete with other women. Let me explain. Women have a higher level of the hormone oxytocin – even from before birth. This hormone enables girls to compete on ‘being nice’, i.e. the nicest girl is most popular. It’s not so clear and visible where you are in the hierarchy. So girls are constantly evaluating where they – and their peers – are. Getting confirmation and compliments from their friends shows them they are safe.

Men also have a strong need to feel secure. However, they feel most secure when they are strongest and best. Men have a higher level of testosterone. This hormone enables boys to compete for status and a top position. Boys feel secure when they know the hierarchy, when they know who is the top dog. They feel best when they are the top dog. After all it’s much less likely people will attack the top dog.

So men seek security in social prestige, rather than in friendships. A top position makes him feel safe, his authority and status make it difficult to be attacked. Moreover, men tend to take the attack as ‘coming with the job.’

In practice it works like this: When in a top position, a man has to deal with jealous men around him. He can handle this, as he thinks “of course, you are jealous, as I have a bigger car and earn more than you.” Women also have to deal with jealousy, but she thinks,“Why can’t we still be friends?”

This hit the nail head on for me, and just made so much sense.

We have been conferenced ad nauseum. We don't want to be talked at, we want to have organic heartfelt conversation with other women who aren't competing with us, judging us for our career choices and who want to listen, affirm our worth, show compassion, brainstorm, support and nurture one another. We want to hear each others stories and experiences and feel less alone and more supported.

When our careers take off and we begin rising in the ranks to VP, SVP, EVP & C-Suite, fractures in our personal relationships start to happen. We find ourselves in conversations listening to the stories from our friends, and colleagues, and while we support them and love all they are doing, we can feel incredibly out of place. Often we can't share our stories, many of them are too confidential to share, or we know they just won't 'get it'. We don't share our lived experiences, because we know (based on the multiple times we have already tried), that while many of these friends are well meaning, they simply have no idea what a day in the life of an executive woman actually is. While we are bouncing from airport to airport all over the world for our next meeting (which TV makes look oh so glamorous), they are at a PTA meeting or selling Girl Scout cookies (and BLESS them for that, both of those sound awful to me, but I love me some Thin Mints!).

I can think back, and actually in the not so distant past, where I was with a group of friends, and all the sudden, the conversation shifts and they all start talking about their childbirth experiences. These are wonderful women, a few school teachers, an interior designer, a systems analyst a few stay at home Mom's, a part-time work from home customer service representative, a social worker and an old fashioned secretary (she calls herself that, so it's ok, she likes it!). While I am incredibly grateful to co-parent two amazing children, I have never given birth to a child. I realize childbirth is a HUGE event in the lives of women who have this experience, however, I have absolutely nothing to relate to or add to the conversation, and I always feel so incredibly out of place. I sit there forcing a smile on my face all the while looking for an escape route and hoping this conversation ends quickly...and it never, ever does.

After this particular experience (one which has happened so many times) I realized, THIS is how my friends who have never been in an executive role must feel when I try to talk to them about all the things I have endured and encountered throughout my career. I certainly don't love them any less for not having my experience, just as I know they don't love me any less for not having birthed a child, but there is a disconnect there and it leaves both parties feeling a little empty, if not uncomfortable at times.

So what do we do about it? We build our own safe, trusted community of peers, one amazing woman at a a time, and we must recognize this community is likely NOT our co-workers or often our childhood or college friends.

There is something magical that happens when we share our stories with others who truly understand and have been through it, whatever "it" is. We feel seen and understood, validated and we begin to lower our armor and allow our true selves to show through, because we know and even more so, we feel the connection. When this happens our energy levels collectively rise and we feel a sense of comfort and safety knowing we aren't alone. We start to let go of the apprehensions we have, and start asking questions like, "How did you handle that?" or "What worked for you?" and we start offering to share our own solutions, ideas and we form a powerful collective.

Many of us have tried to find these types of connections and community, and many of us continue to struggle and feel let down, because there simply isn't enough of it out there. If you're like me and you have searched for these opportunities and engaged in what we thought would bring the connection we crave, you are likely left frustrated, disappointed and with even more work! From my experiences and observations there are some fantastic women's organizations and associations, and they all serve a very specific and important purpose, and along with that purpose often comes fundraising, event planning, conferences, massive time commitments and more. In no way am I here to diminish their value or their impact, my point is simply that those types of groups are not filling the empty gap we have for the connection we so desperately need.

I certainly don't assume I have the answers, but I can tell you, this is the primary reason I launched this newsletter, am launching the Executive Woman podcast, The Executive Woman Experience, The Executive Woman Keynote and more.

We need resources and support that meets us where we are, and also helps us prepare for our next steps, whatever they may be. So many of us who are almost or are over 40, or over 50 are wanting more. We are GenXer's who have lived most of our lives without the affirmation our bodies and brains crave, and we've become conditioned to believe we don't need it and that we are wrong for wanting it. We have more to do with our lives, more to contribute, more to experience, and the next generation of Women Executives need us! We want to feel more purpose, have more possibilities and be seen for all the amazing dimensions we have to offer.

I want to provide you with and be a part of a nurturing, inclusive, supportive community where we are free to be who we are, remove the facade of perfection we believe we need to have to be an Executive Woman and create deep, meaningful connections, relationships and help all of us feel validated and perhaps a little less alone.

I am excited by all that is to come for us! We have more power than we think, more inspiration than we feel and so many more amazing opportunities to explore, together. If any of this resonates with you, you are NOT alone. In 2 short weeks, this newsletter has gained well over 8,500 subscribers, which is mind blowing to me. It also tells me, this is just the beginning!

Stay tuned for the launch of the Executive Woman podcast, I'll have a launch date by the writing of the next newsletter.

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