Sometimes, the story is of what we did not mess up

When I first joined back into the workforce after having kids, I was apprehensive. New country, new circumstance, two children under the age of 2 years, and a new domain of work. It was all a lot to handle, and indeed, all too often also overwhelming.

The Early Years

All the usual young-parent woes of juggling work and still picking up children from daycare, the immense guilt of leaving children to a nanny's care, the need to focus on transactional stuff after coming back home and resultantly not having any time for tender affection and deliberately formed bonds - I vividly remember having to go through them all time and time again. I can't say those days were "memorable" - they were just painful for the most part, and most days were just a desperate hustle to micro-manage schedules and priorities. Yet, I never lost an opportunity to sing nursery rhymes to them - the full versions, in the original tunes, no less! :) - or to pretend-play. We read board books, played simple word games, and tossed ball aplenty. Still, I could have done more if I hadn't been so exhausted all the time or so darned moody! While I cherish those days, I can't give myself a good score for parenting. Too many missed playground days. Let's say it is at best a 3 1/2 out of 5.

Yet, time passes. And with it the circumstances change. My children became increasingly easier to manage. Soon the focus shifted from transactional things like keeping a zillion milk bottles washed and sterilized to making sure the learning fundamentals were in place. The focus moved to discipline and routine-keeping. More often than not, I was the routine spoiler - this call, that proposal. I was also the one that proved to be the wet blanket to fun outings. I have said "no" to more fun things than I care to admit to. But even as the kids bathed and ate by themselves, the onus of ensuring cognitive and physical development fell upon us (the parents of the child) naturally. So did ensuring social and psychological stability. I think we mostly got those in place then.

The Middle Years

The asks upon us weren't unusual by any means, and for the most part, it wasn't really that complicated either. Given that my two children are chalk and cheese, there were plenty of interesting days, and several challenging days. But overall, the children did not give us too much grief, mostly learning to focus well, apply their minds, and do what is expected of them cognitively and physically. We were also blessed that the children came into the world, gifted naturally with a normal functional body and brain. Logical thinking, language proficiency, numerical manipulation, gross motor coordination and sport, team play, individual play - we checked the boxes. Being Indians, we also did our share of competitive exam-hopping, and doing reasonably well in those. We did our share of sports and physical activity too.

Meanwhile, at work, I was doing really well. A prestigious consulting opportunity, a Star Performer Award, and even a "Miss Popular" award at the office dinner & dance event! I was firing on all cylinders at work, and it was rewarding me well too

People thought I was that "superwoman" - having a rewarding job while also managing to get great results from children! My partner was also doing well and it all looked perfect. Our holiday photos were picture-perfect, with Singapore's immaculate views enveloping us. Even our "casual Sunday morning" photos evoked the admiring oohs and aahs.

The Unseen Underbelly

What got missed out was the finer stuff and things that required children to sit down and do only a little and that too, repetitively and slowly. While managing the demands of a pretty demanding job (I was working 12 hours comfortably each day), I just couldn't get enough time with them to indulge their interest in piano and art. So, those went out of the window soon enough. Yoga and prayers followed right behind. The problem wasn't that we were "missing out on activities", but that the kids needed to slow down, appreciate the beautiful things in life, and be at peace - unfortunately, this, I wasn't able to give them at all. No one from outside could see this void; all that was "visible" was the medals, trophies and prizes in STEM that they got time and again.

Under the hood, my sense of guilt got worse each day. What always won out those days was work, and the kids and family got deprioritized. I'd spend all my time at work, but still try to make up for lost time by being "efficient" around kids. I remember being that Field Marshall mum who would come home at 9pm and start immediately with questions. Or may be, I should say, Scrum Master? "What did you do today? What will you do tomorrow? Where are you stuck? What do you need help in?" - those were my "stand-up" questions to my kids too upon entering the house, and the rest of the time was spent ensuring the "projects" were on track! Finally, I quit the job because it was simply impossible to go to the USA for 2 months in a row for business consulting visits. A few months later, again, while at the peak of my performance there, I quit another job in a start-up for reasons related to severe work-life imbalance. My children were slowly moving away from me. My daughter smiled less often, and slept hugging her soft-toy instead of me.

Love and warmth were definitely in short supply those days from mum to kids. :-( No, I am not at all proud of that. But if I went back to that time, I am not sure how I'll do any better! Either I was working a full-time job, or I was searching for one at any time. Time definitely was at a premium and the tiredness was all too real. I can only give myself a 2.5 / 5 rating for this period.

Teenage Years

By the time my children became teenagers, they were fairly well regarded in their school and in society. My career too got into a better place, with some good things coming my way. But with the entire family being so busy, the simpler things of life were going even further from us - even visiting grandparents became rarer and rarer, in spite of their being in the same city! But... between my micro-managing, and my kids being generally hardworking, the "outcomes" stayed good. In fact, the prizes started coming in fairly regularly in academic contests and in sports. But my connection with the kids was tenuous - there wasn't any bad blood as such, but it was distant and polite, not warm and affirming. I was, as my son once bluntly said, "more Project Director than Mother"! I rate myself no more than a 2/5 for this period.

The Pandemic

The two years of the pandemic could have been, in some sense, a boon for me. This could have been a chance to connect with my family and actually spend TIME with them! But reality was a bit different. Work previously filled 12 hours; now it spilled into all hours of the day and night. For all practical purposes, I was working 15 hours, and housework, cooking and chores took away another 5. Far from having time with them, I was spending an extraordinary amount of time being busy. Parenting Rating: 1/10, not a point more!

I can't say that my kids were superstars or any such, but they weren't dunces either. Yet, in the first part of the pandemic, school exam results were decidedly ok-ish, and extracurricular activities were happening on a "best-effort basis", which is to say, not very regularly at all. My daughter - now in the 9th grade - was giving her all to it, but internally sorely missing friends and the tangible real world. My son seemed to be doing alright too, but the distraction was visible. I could see dreadful apathy creeping into each of my family members. Where they were once sprightly and engaged, they were now bleary-eyed and bored all the time. This was a strange new world and none of us knew for sure what to do or how best to deal with the situation. What was clear was we were heading towards a breakdown state - slowly, but surely.

Gearing Down

The stress from it all was so terrible that I reached the burnout point. The breakdown was a pathetic scene, and with no meaningful choice left, I decided to scale down immediately. That was the best thing I did for myself.

Having scaled down, life got much better. I now had time for everything, even if the money was measly - and that was the balance I had to make my peace with. Still, what made it totally worthwhile was the ability to spend time with the family for real. Not the nonsensical idea of "quality time", but actual "quantity of time"! We played board games, cooked and cleaned together, and watched a LOT of shows! I am not much of a TV person, but I watched to keep kids company - and boy! was it worth it!

I think this shift of gears downwards had a salutary effect on the entire family. We were talking, discussing, brainstorming, singing and playing together.

My stressed 9th grader settled down. My younger one started to find his lost mojo again and was back on the chess, Math and debating grids. More importantly, he started finding his social nature once again - the funny fellow and now, also an empathetic friend. My elder one beautifully balanced school, debates, and extra-curricular activities. And did excellently at all of them. She is an independent person and rather than seek active help, she only asks for a peaceful happy home, in order to be productive and active. With the new 'scaled down job', I was able to give her that calm environment at home and be a sounding board for her to think things through.

Now, she started to find the time and mental space to be a reliable listener for her friends who were stressed from the vagaries of COVID-era board exams. Those were really hard days for the children of this batch, but my daughter lightened up enough to emotionally support others as well. Both the children warmed up to their mum (me) and we discovered things we liked in common and pursued them together. For the first time since they had been toddlers, I could connect again with my children. This was beyond precious.

The Outcome of Slowness

The result of this "space and slowness" was that we were much more bonded now as a family - all four of us - my husband, daughter, son and me.

But there were more visible outcomes too.

My daughter secured a place for herself in the top 3 rank holders at HFS in the ICSE high-stakes board exams, and was awarded the Governor's Gold Medal too. Her performance in school and in extracurricular activities was consistently high enough for her to earn the school's coveted Scholars' Badge - one of only 4 children to get it from over 160 students.

Today, when my husband and I went to the Felicitation Ceremony of the school, the cheering that this child garnered from the crowd, even as the Principal pinned the badge and hung the medals on her, gave me goosebumps. Not only were these a validation of her academic efforts, but they were also a ringing endorsement of the human being that she had grown to be - empathetic, friendly, and always a good sport.

We had sailed through. My worst fears from all the deficiencies I had while trying to split time between working and mothering, did not pan out. I know many many women who can beautifully handle both home and career. They are truly impressive superwomen, but I am not capable of such exalted feats. Thankfully, we survived my inefficiencies, exhaustion and overall inability to "give a 100% to both places". But you see, that's the thing. There is only ONE pie for your time. There's only one 100% - you have to fit all your activities into that pie. How you do it is your art, skill, and luck.

Version 2.0

I lucked out with one child; raising the other is still work-in-progress. There are things that need time to work through with that child too - he is bright, ambitious and pretty darned precocious. :-) To handle all that latent potential and potent energy, mum needs to be around - in a calm, emotionally available avatar. And that's what Sujatha 2.0 does - draw boundaries, define priorities, and focus on what's most important. Integrity to my job is important in my world, and so, work never suffers - I just take on what I can realistically chew and still have time left for my folks. I don't know yet how it will all pan out eventually, but I know that I am now on the right path. I am now sure that I did not mess up my elder one, and that was because I hit the brake hard in good time. From being the pleaser at work throughout my 30s, now... at 45, I know better than to say "yes" to everything or try too hard to please. It comes with less popularity for sure, but what it buys me is the peace and space to do right by the folks that I call family.