Sometimes Life Gets Sh!tty

I met one of my closest friends, who we’ll call Jacob, when I was 31 years old. He was 25 or 26. In our minds, we were decades apart in age. And he never let me forget it.

In our friend circle, I was the oldest - by what felt like an eternity. It is funny how young and timeless we feel in our twenties, and how ancient everyone above the age of 30 seems. Oh, to be young again.

I was the friend who was just a bit further into his career and professional life than the others in my squad, but not by much. I knew I set an example, but we didn’t talk about that stuff much. It was easy for them to roll their eyes at me when I told them I couldn’t have another drink on a Sunday Funday because of responsibilities the next week. To be fair, I made the same eye rolls at my “older” friends when I was in my twenties, too.

Jacob contacted me the other day to ask me about his health insurance. You know, #adulting. He told me he felt like he was on the chopping block at work, and it was because he was distracted due to a major health concern. The doctors had found a time-ticking looming aneurysm in his heart, which needed to be addressed right away. He had to have open heart surgery, now at 31 years old. In fact, he had to have two open heart surgeries within a week of each other. He was to be in the ICU the entire time, with a several-day “normal” hospital stay to follow, after his stint in the ICU.

I asked him how I could support him, and told him I’d help him with all his health insurance stuff. That is what I do for a living, after all.

I couldn’t help but find myself anxious for Jacob, and our friend circle. We are too young to be having these kinds of real adult health-scare issues. How could my close friend, who looks like a walking Ken doll, be in need of TWO open heart surgeries? With a looming aneurysm that may take his life at any second?

I was on the edge of my seat throughout Jacob’s scheduled surgeries. I hated that I couldn’t be with him, and that we now live on different sides of the country. And I was scheduled to be out of the country entirely during his surgeries - so I couldn’t have been there, even if I wanted to be.

We talked on the phone the day before the first surgery. He didn’t want to FaceTime. Our conversation was a bit awkward. He was so nervous, but was trying to play it off - in hopes of not psyching himself out.

I got a text from Jacob’s boyfriend a few hours after his first surgery was complete. All clear - Jacob was just really out of it, cut up, sewn back together, and hopped up on drugs. I got regular updates, and everything seemed to be looking up. Heart attack and aneurysm diverted.

I got a text a couple days later, as Jacob was about to go into his second surgery. It was not the messaged I ever imagined getting.

Jacob’s teenage sister died in a tragic car crash the evening before. It happened when he was in between surgeries in the ICU. Jacob had planned for his post-hospital recovery home to be at his mom’s place - where his sister lived. She was supposed to be around, living in the room next door, during his recovery. Now, her room is empty - occupied only by the material things she left behind.

They told him about his sister’s tragic and sudden passing right away. Imagining the heartbreak he must’ve experienced brings an emotion across me that I cannot describe. The gut punch and heart-shattering news is difficult for anyone, but even more so for someone whose heart is actively being operated on. He certainly had to experience the initial grief, to varying degrees, a couple of times because he was so “out of it” when they told him - on his medication, to mask the pain from the gigantic cuts in his chest and heart.

There is no other way of putting it. Sometimes life is just sh!tty.

But there’s light in every situation - if we actively seek it. Many times, though, it is not easy.

Jacob’s sister was an organ donor, and she’s been matched entirely.

Her life has now given life and longevity to others. Imagining the possibilities and hope she’s given to the people she’s saved with her organs is astonishing. I hope those people use their renewed longevities to add more light to the world. I know they will.

What a gift.

Jacob’s second surgery went very well, and he’s recovering nicely… as well as one can in his situation, anyway.

Our friend group had been talking about planning a weekend getaway together in the fall, but now we are all getting together in a few days on the East Coast for the services, and to support Jacob during his recovery and difficult time. We get to be together - with urgency. I feel the tidal wave of love hitting us already.

Through struggle, grief and hardship, we can find happiness and support. It takes friends to help us do that sometimes. But that’s what friends are for.

Yes, sometimes life is sh!tty. But we are in control of our perspectives and what we do with our circumstances. Choose to find the light. If you can’t find the light, be the light. When you find the light, or become the light, shine bright and light up the world. Be that Fourth of July grand-finale firework show.

Heartbreak, heart ache, and grief are commonalities among all humans. So are love, support, family and friendship. We share these emotions in the human experience. Sometimes, you need to be the light while looking for the light.

I promise, light is there - all around us. If you don’t feel like you see the light, maybe you are the light yourself. Use it to light up the world.