Sometimes the end is where hope begins

In early January, on a Saturday morning, I was at the office working. After a few hours Rebekah called me. She wanted to know how things were going. Her voice seemed a bit too excited to call to ask me about that, when she would usually have just texted. After I gave her an update, she said, “You’re not going to believe this! I’m pregnant!” That moment in time froze; I had wanted to hear those words, but wasn’t sure if I heard her correctly. Her next words, “Can you believe it? We’re going to have a baby!” Words cannot express what we were feeling. I couldn’t focus at work, so I wrapped up and headed home. When I walked through the door, there was Rebekah, with pregnancy test stick in hand, excited and smiling from ear to ear. Life was good. Actually, life was great. We were going to be a family.

In the days and weeks that followed, all of that was about to change. Without going into the details, the last three weeks have been extremely hard for us, especially for Rebekah. After numerous visits with her doctor and ultrasounds, he felt this pregnancy wasn’t going to make it, 99.8% chance of not making it. When Rebekah heard that percentage, she held onto hope. Those odds were in God’s favor. I didn’t have that kind of faith. That was a trying moment for me—to not discourage her from having hope. But at the same time, I didn’t want her to set an expectation that, if not delivered, would take a more devastating toll on her.

The day after that appointment, the evening of January 22nd, my newsfeeds were blowing up about New York’s new abortion bill. After reading a few articles, I had to quit. It was heartbreaking. It reminded me of the last three ultrasounds, where Rebekah and I would be praying and hoping for the tiniest, even at the micro-level, changes. Life, even at its smallest, is life, and that life is valuable. Life is a miracle. That week, Rebekah never took the pills given by the doctor. If this pregnancy was going to end, she wanted it to end naturally. I can’t imagine the physical and emotional pain she went through. For me, it was seeing my wife crushed and not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do. On Friday, January 25th, the pregnancy ended. We don’t know why. No Scripture verses, no inspirational quotes, no Christianese lingo will explain the “why.” Both of our journeys with God, have proven time and time again that He is faithful and extends His mercy and grace over all kinds of situations. So we don’t focus on knowing the “why.” We place our trust in Him and wait for the “when.”