Sometimes the Best Mentors Are the Ones Who Never Knew They Were

Doug never knew he was my mentor, but he was. Looking back on what I learned from him, that he was so willing to share, I realized too late that I never told him what he meant to me before he passed away.

It was 2001, during the early dotcom boom in San Francisco. I was a junior technical employee at a small software company that specialized in database systems. My salary wasn’t great, but I was glad to be there for the opportunity to learn. The company was headquartered in the UK, but to break into the US market, they had recently opened a second office downtown SF.

I stood out for a variety of reasons. I was one of very few women on staff - actually, the only woman under 30 and the only one in a technical role. My nasal American accent was noticeably different from the softer British English most of my colleagues spoke.

Doug stood out, too, in his own way. He was American, a pioneer in academic computing, hired as our Chief Scientist. He was a full generation older than me. He’d gotten an advanced degree a decade before I was even born. He wore a pocket protector, thick aviator-style glasses, and short-sleeve dress shirts. Most days, I’d see him in his office at his cluttered desk, working on equations.

At that point in my career, I was just learning how to write SQL. Doug knew SQL well. Sometimes, when I needed help, I’d go to his office and say, "Can I ask you a question?" His answer was always, "Yes, of course." He’d slide a piece of paper across his desk, and I’d write my code longhand on it. Doug would read it upside-down from where he was sitting and patiently explain what I needed to do next. I learned so much during those moments, though it took me years to fully appreciate how special that time was.

Reflecting now, I realize that no one needs to officially declare themselves a mentor to act as one. We all take turns teaching and learning, giving advice and receiving it. Helping each other along the way.

In the years since, I’ve found myself in the role of mentor more times than I expected. And when I do, I often think of Doug - his patience, his generosity with knowledge, and the way he helped me without ever needing recognition. We all have the potential to be mentors, whether we realize it or not. Sometimes, the greatest impact we have on others comes from the smallest, most unassuming moments of teaching and support. And sometimes, the best mentors are the ones who never knew they were.