"Something Rotten" In The State Of Attachment.

In emotionally focused therapy (EFT), the term “attachment injuries” describes moments of betrayal or abandonment that carve deep wounds in relationships. These injuries are often abrupt and explicit—an affair, a secret, or a willful breach of trust. But what about the quieter, less visible injuries that form slowly, like mold on an old wall? Is there room in our relationship lexicon for something like “attachment decay,” a gradual deterioration of connection that happens not by willful harm but through the unintentional neglect that comes with time? This might be the subtle, unnoticed erosion of intimacy and trust—a slow unraveling, rather than a single fracture. I wonder if “attachment decay” is a thing, and if so, why we haven’t named it more explicitly.

There’s an eeriness to this concept that calls to mind Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Denmark itself seems to rot in tandem with Hamlet’s suffering, “an unweeded garden” filled with decay and disease, where nothing is pristine. This decay is insidious, corrupting not only Hamlet’s own trust and certainty but creeping into every layer of the court, infecting the innocent along with the guilty. Just as Denmark’s rot spreads from one sin to another, “attachment decay,” perhaps, begins with one lost moment of affection, a single overlooked conversation. Then it compounds—corroding the foundation without clear notice or intent. The decay becomes both the poison and the symptom, infecting the relationship’s emotional immune system, so to speak, like some novel virus before either partner has a chance to address the issue head-on.

Whereas an attachment injury feels like a blunt-force trauma—a hammer swung with purpose—attachment decay might be more like exposure to low-grade radiation. There’s no single point of impact but a background erosion that creeps in when partners stop paying attention to their small, daily bonds. It could be something as mundane as drifting through conversations on autopilot or routinely dismissing the other’s frustrations as “just being critical.” Over time, these tiny dismissals accumulate into an unspoken, unacknowledged loneliness. In this way, attachment decay is less of a “rupture” and more of a “dissolve,” a gradual thinning of the emotional threads used to hold people together.

This would not be a problem of lackluster love, nor does it fit into the vocabulary of attachment injuries from betrayals. It’s something more diffuse, harder to diagnose or repair because, in many cases, the drift may not feel like anyone’s fault. In the language of Hamlet, it’s the “something rotten” that neither character may fully understand, the deep but unintentional neglect that causes partners to drift apart without anyone noticing until they’ve crossed the point of no return.

In the end, perhaps this imagined “attachment decay” isn’t a diagnosis, but rather a cautionary fable of what happens when we lose sight of our shared attention. Just as Denmark’s decay stemmed not from one, but from a series of collective failings, emotional disconnection often arises from repeated small neglects, unnoticed patterns, and a lack of mindful maintenance.

Therapy for attachment decay, if such a thing could be defined, might require a new lens—focusing less on rebuilding trust after betrayal and more on re-nourishing the neglected patches of emotional soil that keep two people growing together. Alas, perhaps that’s more Gottman Method than EFT? If you’ve read this far and have deeper knowledge of both models, I would love to get your take on this.

Now on with this week’s Ohio EFT Newsletter:

Depression Can Affect The Sex Drive. Here’s How To Cope.

by?Elizabeth Bernstein on October 28th, 2024

If you are experiencing depression, and considering treatment, know that it is possible to save your mood without killing your sex life. Read how.

4 Ways To Cope When Election Anxiety Affects Your Sleep.

by Lisa Strauss on October 28th, 2024

A sleep psychologist says there are ways to deal with your anxiety and tackle sleep issues.

Election Anxiety Is Scrambling Americans’ Travel Plans.

by Harriet Baskas on October 28th, 2024

Concerns about potential political unrest and economic fallout are reshuffling vacation dates, holiday getaways and business trips according to NBC News.

Our Next Ohio EFT Zoom Call Is Friday, November 22nd.

by Ohio EFT on October 28th, 2024

Slight change in November, due to Thanksgiving. Join us at 9:00am on the SECOND-to-last Friday of November for our continuing discussion about Emotionally Focused Therapy. We’ll be discussing the third move of the EFT Tango: setting up a coherent enactment. I’ll have the link in the next newsletter.

The ‘October Theory’ Of Changing Your Life.

by Anne-Marie Alcantara on October 28, 2024

People are using the beginning of fall as the best time to reset their goals and values, inspired by a social-media trend.

Announcing Two New Virtual EFT Consultation Groups - Registration Is Now Open

by Relationship Counseling of Ohio on October 28th, 2024

Dr. Allison Fagan has announced the launch of two new, intimate monthly consultation groups for EFT therapists. One will be for therapists who have completed externship and are getting acquainted with the model. A second group will tackle more advanced concepts for those who have already completed all four levels of Core Skills. The 90-minute sessions include time for deep-dive consultation and general discussion. Enrollment is limited to no more than 6 professionals. Click here for more information.

Who Gets the TikTok in the Divorce? The Messy Fight Over Valuable Social Media Accounts.

by Katherine Hamilton on October 28th, 2024

When couples who make their living online split up, assessing the accounts’ future value and divvying them up fairly is a drag. The Wall Street Journal has the story.

Seven Ways To Love Better.

by Daniel Jones on October 28th, 2024

The editor of the iconic New York Times Modern Love column says reading more than 200,000 love stories in the past 20 years taught him a few lessons about love and life. Here are the ones he says helped him the most.

Why Can’t I Get This Song Out Of My Head?

by Melinda Wenner Moyer on October 28th, 2024

Here’s why earworms are never gonna give you up.

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