Something in here for me.

A few weeks ago, I left my house on a dark and very rainy night to hear a well-known journalist give a big talk. They were traveling the country, talking all about communication and connection, and I was super excited to have nabbed a ticket. I was sure I would leave with fresh ideas and insights.?

Why was I sure? Because I had already decided that there will be something here for me.??

Most of us tend to listen from a place of

• I agree/disagree
• I already know this
• This does/doesn’t apply to me

From my experience, listening this way isn’t helpful. When I have decided that there will be something here for me, I move into a more open, curious place. I listen differently, and I get more out of it.

So that’s how I approached that evening.?

Did it work? Did I leave with new awarenesses and insight? You bet. Were my learnings what I imagined they might be? Not even close.

Here’s what I learned: I learned how quickly a speaker can break trust with a live audience.?

On that night, at least for me, it took less than 10 minutes for the speaker to create an environment that encouraged disconnection rather than connection, that prompted me to shut down rather than remain open. (Ironic, given the subject matter of the event!)

How did this happen??

Early in the event, the speaker asked us to turn to a neighbor in the audience (someone we didn’t know) and to share something personal about a challenge we currently faced. This part was GREAT. We could decide how much to share, and we practiced listening and relating. I had a lovely conversation with the woman sitting behind me — it felt intimate and connected, even in a large auditorium.

Then things went sideways.?

The speaker then asked for volunteers to get up and share — to the entire audience — what THEIR PARTNER said, and what they experienced listening to their partner's story. They did this WITHOUT asking permission to share that story — someone else’s story — someone else who was sitting right there, experiencing a stranger talk about how lonely they felt at work, or how they no longer related to their college friend group.

Yikes.?

This wasn’t an audience who had signed up for a personal growth seminar or some other experience where context or boundaries had been put into place — we were just a bunch of strangers who had all bought tickets to hear a speaker speak.

Even though I wasn’t directly harmed by this speaker's carelessness (my partner didn’t volunteer, thank goodness!) I could easily see how others might have been. And it felt awful. And from there it’s only natural to extrapolate: Just because it didn’t happen to me this time, it definitely might the next time.?

That’s how quickly trust can be broken, even if we’re not directly impacted.

So, how might this apply to you? How do leaders or colleagues do this same thing??

When we share someone else’s private story, or demean someone behind closed doors, or treat a junior staff member with disrespect, we teach everyone around us just how little we can be trusted — whether our actions are directed at them or not.

?On the other hand, when we refuse to disclose information that isn’t ours to share, don’t speak ill of others behind their back, and demonstrate integrity to our values no matter whether in public or behind closed doors – this builds trust.??

Trust is one of the most valuable and fragile elements of successful teams. It requires intention, investment, maintenance, and awareness.?

I wonder... are you giving trust the attention it deserves? Are you thinking about how to strengthen trust, and noticing when it begins to erode?

INVITATION TO REFLECT: Run a trust audit. Consider how you are either strengthening or weakening trust within your teams.

Does your behavior behind closed doors align with what you say publicly?

Can you be counted on to keep a confidence?

Does your audio (what you say) match up with your video (what you do)?

Take the time — and find the courage — to answer these questions for yourself. And let me know what you discover!