Something Bad

I am very (un?)popular on TikTok today.

Here’s what happened.

I went to an esthetician to get a consult about my drooping chinline.

I’m nearing 40 and just wanted to understand my options for controlling the timeline of how that part of my face changes.

I was clear about this specific ask in my intake form and then directly with the esthetician.

She explained my options - botox this, filler that, blah blah.

Took two or three minutes.

Sweet - that’s sorted.

Then she handed me a magnifying handheld mirror.

“Let’s talk through the rest of your face.”?

Um, ok.

She pointed out my forehead lines. My crow’s feet. My skin texture.

As she went, she tallied up the “units of Botox” I would need to “fix” each of these areas, explaining that “the sooner the better.”

I found this odd, in part probably because I’m new to the whole thing (I’ve never done the ‘tox or anything before).

But also for these reasons:

• I only asked about/expressed concern about one area of my face, not the others
• She seemed to be operating under the assumption that I already agreed that forehead lines and crow’s feet are bad and ugly

That last point really spun my thinking.

I actually left sad and couldn’t quite pinpoint why.

Then I realized:

I didn’t agree with her.?

Not that I deny the existence of my lines or wrinkles.

But that they need to be fixed.

She said (in not so many words): Looking old is bad.

Now, as my many friends(ish) on TikTok pointed out: she was just doing her job trying to sell me product.

I get that.

She’s not a villain in this story.

But what is villainous (insidiously, perhaps) is the prevailing assumption that aging is bad.

That signs of aging are something we want to erase.

If anyone pursues cosmetic surgeries or treatments because they so dearly love their appearance and want to keep it… out of love for it… cool. More power to them.

But that wasn’t the message I received.

The message I received was:

You need to do this NOW because it’s only going to WORSE.

Think about that.

Something can only get WORSE if it’s BAD to begin with.

It’s an urgent situation.

You’re in a bad way.

You need a solution.

They have the solution.

Now, I’m a woman of great fortune buoyed on all sides by love. I have the unconditional, somewhat excessive love of my husband. I have precious, exuberant love from my children. I feel love and support from my community.

And, perhaps most importantly, I love myself.

I love the way I look and the way I think and (most of the times) the way I act.

I don’t look at myself and think, ‘hmm, bad. Could be better. Better fix it.’

My default thinking is well-trained toward a positive bias.

So to encounter a negative assumption and, more to the point, a categorization of something about me as “bad” was troubling.

As was the thought of many many people I know and care for…

…the people who don’t have the great fortune to be floated by love…

…who struggle with self-condemnation or disdain…

…who believe they’re not good enough…

What happens to them when they encounter this message?

Surely nothing good.

Surely something bad.

I’ll leave you with this excerpt from the poem ‘Nature’ by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow:

So Nature deals with us, and takes away

???Our playthings one by one, and by the hand

???Leads us to rest so gently, that we go

Scarce knowing if we wish to go or stay,

???Being too full of sleep to understand

???How far the unknown transcends the what we know.

In case you're curious, here's the TikTok video: https://www.tiktok.com/@joyyouell/video/7351016430021709098