Someone needs to say "sorry"

Standing on our front verandah in his muddy buddy playsuit, our 3.5 year old grandson was looking dejected, a very rare occurrence for this sweet-natured little guy. When I asked if he was OK, he replied, “Someone needs to say sorry.”

Immediately, I knew what was on his mind. You see, when we had returned from the beach on an unusually mild winter’s day, his boots were filled with wet sand. After throwing socks and muddy buddy into the washer and dryer, I could find only one of his socks. (Is there anyone reading this who hasn’t lost a sock or two in the dreaded dryer?) Without thinking, I blurted out, “The dryer must have eaten your sock.”

To a 3. 5 year old, that comment seemed to trigger images of a monster living in the dryer, gobbling up socks. My attempts to convince him that it would probably show up did little to calm his concern. More than once, he asked, “Where’s my sock? Where did it go?”

Thus, when he said, “Somebody needs to say sorry,” I knew exactly what was on his mind, and asked, “Are you sad about your sock?”

That was it!. And so I said, “Oh honey, I’m so sorry.”

That’s all it took. His little face settled into the happy, relaxed features that reflect who he is.

If you’re at all familiar with emotional intelligence, you’ll recognize the maturity of this little guy:

-??????That he was able to identify his feelings and actually name them.

-??????That he communicated to me what he needed in very clear terms.

-??????That he accepted my apology and held no grudges. At the end of the day, he happily offered a big hug and a “I love you, Gammy.”

Do You Need to Say “Sorry”?

We’re deep into the Christmas season here on the east coast of Canada, and I wonder: Is there a relationship that would be softened by a simple “sorry” from you? If you’d like to apologize for something, there’s a few things to remember:

-??????Apologies must be heartfelt and sincere. Trying to fake it won’t work.

-??????Saying “I’m sorry if what I did made you feel that way” is not an apology. It’s actually a way to deflect responsibility away from yourself. It’s like saying, “I really did nothing wrong. You took it the wrong way, you’re too sensitive, or you’re over-reacting.” .

-??????Never follow an apology with the word “but.” Anything you say after the word “but” totally negates the apology, putting you in defensive mode.

-??????Lastly, apologize with no expectation that your apology will magically mend a relationship. Not everyone is as ready as our 3.5 year old Jakey to forgive, forget, and move on. Of course, adult relationships are a little more complex. Wouldn’t it be wonderful, though, if we adults could embrace the simplicity of our little ones?

Love is actually saying you’re sorry. May you show up as beautifully authentic as you can during this holiday season.

Oh yes... the sock did turn up. I found it in the clothes basket; thus, it never did make it into the dryer. When I returned it to him the following week, you'd think Christmas had come early, he jumped up and down with so much excitement. I learn a lot from this little person.

Sheila Kelly works with female managers in male-dominated industries, helping them integrate both grit & grace for personal and professional success.