Some Unsolicited Advice #10

Some months ago we started a series in which I share some completely unsolicited advice… if you’re looking to pick up from the beginning, you can do so here, or read all the subsequent posts here.

Long story short (since the initial post was some nine-thousand words): I wrote a book that you can read here; however, instead of leaving it as an e-book that very few people will ever read (it is titled “Some Unsolicited Advice” after all), I figured it’s worth sharing the points and lessons learned in a more consumable format, as a rolling blog series where I add one or two new items every week (or every other week, depending on how much time I end up having), making for quicker and easier reading than dumping an e-book and calling it a day. And in this way, over the course of a year (or less, depending on the cadence), all the points will get shared in bite-size, more easily readable chunks. Today, we continue with the next point of this series…

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10. We’re all figuring it out (said differently: nobody has it all figured out)

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And that takes us seamlessly to the next obvious but woefully understated point: that nobody has it all (or any of it) figured out. We all know this at an intuitive level, and yet simultaneously tend to wind up thinking that somehow everyone else does have it all figured out, or at least believing they have it more figured out than we do. The older I get, and I’m not even old, it’s both enlightening and reassuring to see and realize other people as being fundamentally human. I know this sounds remarkably dumb… of course, we’re all human, but what I mean (and hope is understood) is that while we, as individuals, may sometimes have areas of competency (usually in relation to work or things done on a routine basis), for darn-near everything else, we are, for the most part, all figuring it out on the go (and even for the things you’d think one would be highly competent at, we’re often winging that too).

Your parents, CEO, president, or whatever other leader(s), for as stoic and composed as they may seem externally, provided they have some degree of self-awareness, I guarantee they (just like you and me) have a lot of moments of self-doubt and second-guessing in their day-to-day roles as they work through situations they’ve never seen before, rife with unknown unknowns. Hindsight is always 20/20, and while we may have grandiose plans and visions for how “we’d do things better/differently!” for all those jobs, such as running the company or raising a child, etc. - once we’re there, time constraints, bills, revenue targets, life pressures, resourcing, budgets, and various other responsibilities and obligations start pulling at you, and suddenly it’s not so easy to be a perfect parent, boss, or anything for that matter. Nothing happens in a vacuum, and there’s never just one factor in play. In the same way we have to juggle life, work, and everything else; your parents, boss, or president did (and do) too, and so does every human on the planet. Very, very few people are actively trying to do a bad job; they’re doing the best they can with the information and experiences they’ve acquired along the way. Nobody has seen it all, nor do they have enough time, education, or insight to be able to see all the variables that will affect the outcome of a given situation. We’re all making decisions based on imperfect data, and some of those decisions will end up being deadass wrong. But we’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got, juggling 12 things at once, and dropping the 13th, 14th, and 35th things along the way. As an inherent part of life, this sucks - but it’s also amazing, because once you realize the reality of it all, it becomes a lot easier to see the perspective of others and realize that we’re all very much in the same boat. You’re not half as lost as you think you are (comparatively speaking), and (almost) everyone else is a whole lot more lost than they appear to be.

None of this is news, but it’s a great reminder that’s worth keeping in mind when interacting with or watching others, that we’re all in the same boat. And in doing so, we can also realize that this metaphorical boat has a number of shared flaws. At times, everyone feels lost, hurt, mistreated, broken, defective, and unloved; additionally, there’s intense pressure to (at least appear to) be sexier, wealthier, smarter, stronger, and cooler than we actually are. Everyone is also hiding the darker side of themselves—ugly stories of shame, deep pits of gnawing doubt, lies that we tell to make it through, pain that consumes us, and the constant goddamn struggle to even get out of bed in the morning (note: even the Emperor of Rome, Marcus Aurelius, wrote about struggling to get out of bed in the morning!). Everyone is having many of the same struggle(s) at some level – whether or not we can see it.

Sure, hearing or seeing the darker side of things is sometimes interesting when juxtaposed against a compelling story of someone overcoming and beating the odds— the tale of achievement and what it took to get there. But unless coupled with that a story of overcoming, most people don’t want to hear about your everyday existential dread or social anxiety, mostly because they’ve got their own battles and demons to face, and can’t carry your load as well as their own. And that’s the crux of what I’m getting at here; it’s realizing that despite all the day-to-day posturing, you/me/we are not alone in our struggles; almost everyone shares the same fundamental flaws, doubts, and struggles as you and I do.

It’s fucked, but it’s also normal. Nobody wants to be ugly, uncool, or poor. It’s ok to talk about how you were those things, but only in the past-tense; talking about how poor you are right now is rarely going to win any style points. Maybe a few laughs and likes, but not much more. But know that this is true for everyone — the person they see in the mirror is almost guaranteed to not be the one who you see on display via social media or even in public. Nobody ever came close to knowing or understanding the doubts and struggles I had while traveling (or at many other times in life, for that matter), and I doubt they would have really understood even if I’d talked about them. All anyone saw were the pictures I posted, which looked pretty great—to anyone outside, it looked like I was living the dream – traveling round the globe, seeing the world, and so on! There’s no way anyone saw those pictures and thought, “I bet Grant is going through some dark shit right now.” Nobody does. It can be tempting to see what’s shared as reflective of reality, but just keep in mind that it isn’t.

Again, we all know this intuitively, but it helps to be reminded, for as old as we are, or as old as we may get, there’s still a substantial part of us that feels like we never quite grew up and figured it out—whatever it is. And no matter our age, we often still feel a lot like the mostly-lost kid we were when we were 15. There never was, and never will be, a lightbulb moment when it all makes sense or gets easier. I always thought that somehow I’d magically change or grow up after turning 18, 21, 25, or 30, but that never happened, and I don’t think I’m wrong to say that I don’t believe it ever will at 40, 50, or beyond.

To be clear, people and things do grow and improve/mature over time, but what I’m getting at is that the idea of ever getting a clear sense of confidence along the lines of “okay, now I’ve got all of this” is just about as false as the idea of ever “making it” to the top of any ladder. Even when you’ve “made it,” the target has changed to the next rung, and it’s on to the next thing. You may master some elements of life, but then others will inevitably pop up, and the cycle continues. Nobody has mastered everything, and most will hardly master even one thing. And even among those few things that we do manage to gain a small degree of mastery over, there’s still a whole lot of self-doubt and living with imposter syndrome that comes along with every step of the way. The great awakening won’t happen at 18, 25, 30, or even 50, so there’s no point in hoping or waiting for it. That feeling is a lie. Instead, focus on what you can control and get good at, and that’s where confidence in life will generally start to build.

With enough repetitions and practice, almost anyone can get pretty good at any single thing, but rest assured that Bill Gates is probably a pretty terrible auto mechanic or synchronized swimmer; nobody has the capacity to be great, or even good, at everything. Most of the time, we’re lucky if we get really good at just one thing, and even then, it’s a constant cycle of continuing to improve and staying current on that skillset. So, don’t focus on trying to be perfect at everything, and instead work on getting your thing down, to the exclusion of everything else, and that’s where a feeling of confidence and competence in life will typically come from (that is, provided it’s a skill of value...). You may not know how to do everything, but if you know how to do your thing, and you’re damn good at it, then that’ll give you a better sense of control in life, and with it a sense of accomplishment and maybe even a little bit of confidence and direction. Of course, your mileage may vary.

In the end, the core takeaways here are: 1) have empathy for everyone else around you. Understand that they’re going through many of the same struggles as yourself, even if it doesn’t look that way. They, like you, like me, are operating on imperfect information and doing the best they can with what they’ve got. 2) Have empathy for yourself. Knowing that you’re not alone allows you to be less harsh on yourself. Your struggles aren’t proof that you’re defective; they’re proof that you’re human. 3) Focus on where you can become great. It can be tempting to try to be good at everything, but that’s a recipe for long-term mediocrity; instead, focus on becoming the best that you can be at the few thing(s) where you want to become great, and the confidence gained there will be about as close as you can get to feeling like you’ve got it figured out. Furthermore, the confidence gained there will also bleed over into other areas in your life and enable you to have a greater sense of self-determination, confidence, and focus.

And that’s it for this round! Of course, if you want to skip ahead at any point, feel free to buy the full book on Amazon here. Thanks!