some thoughts on the wrong and right way to network

Let me first acknowedge I have made all of the mistakes I describe in the first part of this note, the wrong way. The second part is an approach I think is more likely to engender positive interactions.

Here is how most "networking conversations" start.

First the unspoken part. I know we haven't spoken or corresponded for 2/3/4 years but...."how are you?" .....Read I need you now, anyway enough about you. Here is what I was thinking. I lost my job or maybe it is just under threat and I think you might be useful in rectifying that situation.

Please drop everything you are doing and focus on me. 

Does any of this sound familiar?

Here is the response most people want to provide.....good luck, call me in another 2/3/4 years and let me know how it turned out for you. But probably, because they are someone you respect and/or you are calling them because of their perceived connections, they will pull out the stops and attempt to help you.

Alternatively here is an approach I have found yields better results. 

Cultivate relationships about which you care and don't expect favors to be given but provided by you. Stay in touch because you think the person on the other end is someone you are actually interested in. Someone who perhaps you can help.

Think symbiote not parasite. Try to be useful. Think about the other person and what they might need to be successful. You are a walk-on in their movie, where they are the hero or heroine. They are not a supporting, walk-on in your movie.

Any worthwhile relationship is worth investing in continually and over the longer term. Think wife or husband not a one-night stand. I always find the dating analogy useful as it reduces relationships to terms most folks can relate to....A late night call saying "how are you?" does not suggest a relationship you care about.

You want to have a positive relationship balance before you need to withdraw a favor. Most studies on this subject suggest 7 deposits for one withdrawal.

So when you try to withdraw cash prior to depositing you get the normal response, ie in God we trust all others pay cash.

The key is anticipation. Plan ahead. Invest in people you care about or may need well before trying to ask for help.

Single and desperate plays as well in networking as in the dating game. People avoid you like the plague. Play the long game, genuinely think of helping others first.

How can you deploy your network or skills for others? My sons attend Strake Jesuit. The school motto is be "a man for others". Words to live by for us all.

So assuming you pass the test of being a person for others, here are some questions you might ask. 

What can I do for you, my potential network partner?

Your friends will help regardless. The bigger lift is from those who don't really know you or think about you. Everyone has busy lives. And even if they don't there is always social media to fill it up. Think weak, wide networks not deep, narrow networks. 

On the basis of a positive deposit balance ask who are the three people they would recommend you talk to....? Then do your research on those three to see how you can help them and to whom you can usefully introduce them to, all before you ask... Please help me.

Anyway, these are my hard-won lessons, what are yours and how may I help you right now?

Finally, ever thought "this person" has nothing to offer me, is boring, is not in a position to help me..? These thoughts are emblematic of our own limitations, not the folks with whom we haven't yet connected or perhaps those with whom we haven't really focused on yet. A failure to find a point of connection is a failure of imagination and thought on our part, not the other person's shortcomings. Work hard at it, unless of course you don't care in which don't be surprised if the other person doesn't care either. 

We live in a small, highly connected world. Your brand is generally widely and, perhaps surprisingly, uniformly known regardless of whether you know it or not. Make it something you can be proud of...

P.S. I wish I had known the foregoing before I made all of the above mistakes. The good news is most people are surprisingly forgiving. Good luck.