Some thoughts and tools for taking and letting go of control

In a recent coaching session my client C was explaining some challenges at work and we turned to a trusty tool the “Circle of Control and Influence” (more on that later) and it made me reflect on the subject of control and how this impacts us as leaders and business owners.

Often we can feel like we need to control everything. This can feel like a protection to look after ourselves and those around us. This can for some end up looking like lists for lists, always being the event planner, having every minute of every day organised. And while this can bring self discipline (and we love keeping commitments to ourselves) it can also cause absolute exhaustion, a negative effect on our wellbeing and sometimes cause rifts in our relationships.

The opposite extreme to this is an almost victim like apathy, feeling a lack of ability to control and therefore why bother. Absolutely this can happen in work environments, and definitely in a “famine” stage of running your own business - it is a rollercoaster.

There is also an argument that control is used as a type of armour - if I can control this I will be OK. But what happens if that armour fails? What happens where you’re not in control? How does that feel?

I read an article recently that said the opposite to control is actually confidence. And personally I can reflect that as my confidence in my own capability has increased my need for control has reduced. I don’t need to have control or even have an understand of all the pieces, if I have confidence in my ability. It feels strange, but good.

I think part of this confidence comes with understanding what we can control, letting go of what we can’t and feeling empowered by this combination.

Letting go of control

A tool I love for helping me to focus and let go of things I can’t control is the Circle of Control, a stoic philosophy that I first encountered when reading Stephen Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”.

As a leader I found myself getting frustrated regularly with the way things worked, disappointed in people’s behaviours and generally wasting a lot of time and energy. I say wasting because no matter what I did, what I said, I had very little influence on these issues; they were not in my circle of control. It’s a challenge I see with many of my coaching clients. And this wasted energy has a visible impact on their wellbeing (it’s tiring) and them being where they want to be.

Take some time to reflect on what is within your circle of control, in particular if you are feeling pulled and overwhelmed. What can you directly control here?

Most of what is within our control relates to ourselves; our words, our actions, our emotions, our habits and output.

Then as the image shows we need to let go of what we cannot control or influence, applying most of our attention to what which is within our control circle.

Taking Control

Another great theory to help us take more control is the “Locus of Control”. Locus of control is how much individuals perceive that they themselves have control over their own actions as opposed to events in life occurring instead because of external forces. +

The concept was created by Julian B Rotter in 1954 and is measured on a continuum from “high internal” to “high external”.

If we have internal locus of control we take more personal responsibility for our behaviour and outcomes, whereas if there is high external we perceive everything to be cause by external factors, or luck (this may resonate with some of you).

Being more internally focused on the locus of control means we are active in our lives, rather than passive/ We don’t just accept what happens to us we understand we can determine our direction and that our efforts are important and should be celebrated.

Where would you say you currently sit on the internal / external locus of control?

How can you find the right balance of understanding your control, while also letting go?