Some things I’ve learned about putting myself first

Our life is made of choices. Each and every moment is full of them.

When I was younger, I was always choosing based on other people’s expectations or desires towards me — or else what I THOUGHT were their expectations and desires towards me. I’ve spent the majority of my life putting others first and believing that made me an altruist, a good person. I admit I used to look at people who prioritised themselves and knew how to say no, and judge them as selfish, lacking compassion and empathy.

I wish I’d found out earlier how wrong I was!

In our ever more fast-paced world, it is way too easy to lose sight of our own well-being amidst the endless range of responsibilities and obligations that surround us. However, understanding how to prioritise ourselves is of great importance and should (I don’t like this word but here I think it fits!) be our number-one priority! It is not an act of selfishness, but rather an act of self-love and self-care. By consciously putting our own needs, desires, and goals first, we empower ourselves to lead happier, healthier, more fulfilling lives.

Prioritisation allows us to set boundaries, both with others and with ourselves, ensuring that we allocate our time, energy, and resources wisely. It gives us the ability to identify what truly matters to us and make choices that align with our dreams and values.

By valuing our own well-being and setting aside time for self-reflection, rest, and personal development, not only do we enhance our own lives but also become better equipped to support and uplift the lives of those around us.

And in my opinion, prioritising ourselves goes hand-in-hand with knowing how to say no.

Now, saying no can be quite uncomfortable — at least that’s how I often feel about saying it and why it has always been so difficult for me to do so. However, a shift started to happen when I heard a quote by Brené Brown (one of my favourite authors!) on the matter. The quote says:

“Choose discomfort over resentment”

I am sure you can relate: how many times have you said yes only to regret it profoundly afterwards? Only to avoid the uncomfortableness of saying no?

Our life is a whirlwind of endless requests, invitations, and demands, which leave us feeling overwhelmed and overloaded. However, understanding how to say no gracefully and assertively is essential for maintaining our well-being and preserving our precious time and energy. We need to understand that it is not an act of rudeness or selfishness, but rather a way to establish healthy boundaries and honour our own needs and limitations.

By saying no when needed, we create space for self-care, personal growth, and to pursue our own passions and priorities. It allows us to avoid unnecessary stress and burnout, enabling us to be more present and engaged in the commitments we do choose to take on. Saying no also encourages others to respect our boundaries and helps build healthier and more balanced relationships.

Brené says she has a spinning ring and every time she is faced with a tricky question or request, she spins the ring a few times to allow herself time to reflect on it before giving the comfortable “yes” as an answer. I know it can be challenging and uncomfortable, but allowing yourself some time to think and reflect on a question or request makes all the difference. You can always say you need to check your calendar, or check with your partner/spouse or that you simply need some time to think about it. When I started doing so, it was quite a surprise to my friends and colleagues — I could tell by the look on their faces. Being used to having me say yes to everything all the time, hearing me asking time to think about it before answering it immediately created some tension at the start. I heard so many people saying I had changed, that I was different. But I chose to face it as a good thing — I was consciously making a choice to act differently because I was working on my self-love and learning how to put myself and my needs first.

For me, leaning into discomfort, having difficult conversations and addressing issues rather than allowing resentment to build were essential for building healthier relationships with others and with myself. When we openly communicate our feelings, concerns and needs, we create an environment of trust, respect, and honesty. It does require courage and vulnerability to let ourselves be seen on a deeper level, but it enables us to create an environment where difficult conversations can take place, fostering empathy, trust and connection in our relationships and consequently making them healthier.

Ultimately, putting ourselves first and saying no are choices we need to be aware of and make every single day, keeping in mind that it is not an act of selfishness, but rather an act of self-love and an investment in our own happiness, success and ability to live more authentic and meaningful lives.

So next time you’re making a choice, put yourself first. And next time you’re faced with a question or request, allow yourself time to think before answering.

With time, it will get easier.

With time, the uncomfortable will become comfortable.

With time, you will feel more confident, fulfilled and happier.

I promise you.

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