SOME THINGS ABOUT DEATH

WARNING : Before reading this article, please think again, because I will really talk about death!

Many people say “I don't scare from dying”. If you don't have anything to lose, of course, you might not be afraid to die. But most people say that, because maybe they never faced with death. When you feel that you might die, even if psychologically you may be okay with dying, however your body doesn't agree with you. It fights to the end!

You say “you don't scare” maybe your soul speaks about it, but your body acts completely differently. It makes you scare! Because when you think you might be going to die, you have lots of adrenaline in your blood for your heart to continue to pump, but that hormone makes you feel scared. Your body doesn't want to leave this life.

I faced with this several times in the last 9 years, because of my fatal asthma attacks. So far my life didn't flash before my eyes, because I was so busy promising Buddha, “I will not eat chocolate, bread, nuts, cheese and all the things that give me asthma”. I didn't want to die! However, before this illness I was always thinking, I am a cool girl and ain't scared from dying.

Bullshit! I scare from death as a chicken!

But why?

I thought that for a very long time and finally, 9 years later (since I have asthma), I figured that out!

I don't want to die, because I built somethings in my life very good. It wasn't that easy. I didn't become a journalist by chance, I didn't become a radio host with luck, I didn't become a publication director in a night. I gave so much effort, I suffered for it. I wasn't lucky! I didn't have a family to support me, I didn't even have friends to believe in my talents! All my life, I climbed this high mountain without any safety rope and a good team. If you understand what I meant, you did it the same way.

Finally, I created the life I always dreamed of, why would I leave all these and die that soon?

That's why dying scares me as shit! Sorry about my language, but I cannot be too kind, when I am talking about death. Because I don't want to die.

This is the one fact that, I wouldn't like to die. But another fact, I don't want to suffer while dying. That part will be a bit harsher, if you have a major health problem you should stop reading!

Look I am warning you, don't nag me after reading my article!

I will write in here all my own experiences facing with death :

For the last month, everyday at least 3 times I was having fatal asthma attacks. Let's face it, I didn't like it! When you have asthma, including doctors, every healthy people around you who can breathe freely advise you “don't panic!” The worse part is they don't believe anything is wrong with you. They again advise you, “everything is in your mind”. Like if you have an asthma attack, you sabotage your own self! In their mind, it is all your fault.

However, reality is different. As all illnesses, asthma is very complicated as well. We use antihistamines to save our lives. However, if you get sick because of bronchitis, you still think you only have an allergy attack and just take more antihistamines. That way you help the inflammation in your lungs to grow more. Then someday you start having asthma attacks without having any signs like coughing or wheezing. You just cannot breathe.

Your inhalers don't work, you start shivering, sweating, huge quantities of adrenaline is rushing into your blood to keep your heart pumping, the side effect of course is that you start scaring so badly, you don't want to die. Then everything passes somehow, one medicine in 7 of them starts helping you, perhaps the glucocorticoids. Then you sit and think in the bed this : "I don't want to suffer! I want to die in my bed, while seeing a beautiful dream." At that point, dying is not the subject that you care about. Suffering is the subject.

One thing is bad about dying for sure, the suffering before dying. That's why, even if you don't scare to die, you should care not to die with suffering. And trust me, while your body is fighting to stay alive, you cannot give up from your life.

As a Buddhist, I believe in reincarnation. I finally created a good life, I don't want to leave everything behind and start from scratch. I want to enjoy this life a little bit longer. I don't know what I will think when I am 90 years old, but I know age doesn't mater when the subject is death.

Victoria Toumit