Some Days Just Suck

I don't know why some days just really suck. Today is a lupus day as was yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and the day before that. You are getting the point here. I am in flare mode and not fucking happy. I am tired of being in pain and unable to stand or walk properly. I reduced my cannabis oil by half for a week and am really feeling it. I shouldn't have but a friend with cancer need oil so I gave him most of my supply. I am just waiting for the alcohol to evapourate off so I can make it into medicine and be alright again.

I hate that this has become my life. A never ending merry go round of sickness, medications, doctors visits, tests and surgery. It just never stops. Having a chonic illness is like having a full time job. It takes everything just to manage. Imagine having four different medications, some taken on an empty stomach, some with food and some two hours after food. Add in the vitamins and supplements that also have time requirements around eating and taking other medications and you can spend your entire day just managing your medication.

It's like being suck in a never ending groundhogs day where you always wake up sick and in pain, usually vomiting for no reason, unable to drink even your coffee for a few hours. Not a great start to the day and it usually goes down hill from there. I find the simplest of tasks exhausting when the fatigue is bad and I require lots of rest. I can work up a storm from bed when I am like this but rest is iimpartitive. I hate not being able to do things with my son like sit on the floor and play a game or run after him, teach him to skate and ski or ride a bike. I can't do any of those things for my son and it hurts.s

I feel like a failure as a mother. I know most mothers do at several points by I can't do things with my son because I am sick. I breaks my heart when he asks if my bones hurt. He gives then lots of kisses which help because his kisses and hugs are majical. He get that from his Dad whose hugs can solve anything. I am lucky to have them and wouldn't get through without them. They are my shining light. My beacon in the dark. They keep me moored to this planet and functioning.

I didn't ask for lupus or osteonecrosis and even though lupus was wished on me I wouldn't wish ill on anyone. No one should have to suffer. No one should be in pain. No one should be alone. I am not and know I will never be. I fight because I have something to fight for. I live because I have something to life for. Illness will not beat me and it will not take away my life. It may slow me down, cause me to do the zombie shuffle or the peg leg walk but I can survive with that.

Life is life. It is pain and suffering, joy and happiness, love and loss. Everyone suffers at some point but no one should suffer alone. I have family and friends but others don't and suffer alone. Befriend someone you know that needs help. Someone that is alone and suffering. Be their guiding hand and help. Someday, you will be them and you will be all alone yourself. Kindness begets kindness and love begets love. These are important lessons that everyone should live by.

Be polite. Be kind. Be generous, Be yourself, Be honest and open. Be receptive to people and things and even to change. Be the person you want to be not what others want you to be. Find your happiness and cling to it for dear life. It is yours and you deserve it.