Soft Sexist Comments ARE Sexist Comments

Bhumi had just given her interview with one of the finest banks in the country. She was excited to be interviewed by one of the top Executive Director’s. She was thrilled to complete the challenging questions asked throughout the interview and the level of technicalities introduced in each round.? She felt that the company respected her skillset and that it was a fair interview. A couple of days later, the HR had rolled out an offer. Bhumi had delightfully accepted the offer letter.

While negotiating the joining date, Bhumi had asked for a month’s work-from-home as an immediate relocation was a challenge. The management accepted her urge to work from home and promoted their hybrid work module to her. But just 2 weeks before joining, Bhumi got a call from the Assistant Vice President stating that there had been some hierarchical change and that she would be re-interviewed by the top management. She agreed to an over-the-call interview. Bhumi complied with the interview formalities but soon she was taken aback. Halfway through the interview, the Director asked, “So, I was told that you have asked for 1 month of work from home after joining the org. You are at that age where women think about tying the knot or at least start looking out for prospects. Do you intend to look for marriage proposals or get started with the marriage preparations so you want to work from home?” Bhumi wanted to interrupt the Director and talk about immediate reallocation concerns and that her term of joining had already been discussed and agreed on. The joining relaxation was part of her compensation, but the Director went on, “We have a policy that if you get married to a co-worker, the organization will sponsor travelling tickets worth 50k each and you would get up to 2% discount on home and car loan”

Bhumi politely smiled, justified her on-job joining delay and ended the call. But the incident stayed back with her.

She pondered on two things, one – if she were a “man”, no interviewer would have presumed her work-from-home requirement from a marriage standpoint. No one would have asked such personal questions to a male candidate. The second thing that ticked her off was the deliberate push of the Director to find prospects on the job. It felt unethical and something that she had not expected in an interview. Her previous two employers hadn’t asked such questions, she thought to herself, was that because she hadn’t reached the “societal marriage age”? ??

Bhumi vented out to one of her close friends. He blandly stated that it was “normal” for women to get asked these questions. Her friend added that it wasn’t viable for the company to employ someone who didn’t have a long-term intention with the industry. She argued that all her male counterparts have switched jobs faster than her and none would need to answer such questions. Her profile did have capabilities to leapfrog, and she did know how to negotiate her compensation not only in terms of pay but also company benefits.

Bhumi decided not to go ahead with the management who was interested in her personal life and wanted to know the intricacies of it. She wasn’t ready to say to soft sexists’ comments yet.

Most women have encountered sexists’ remarks in terms of getting asked about their marriage plans, settlement choices, family planning, and so on. If this wasn’t enough many get morally policed by those around them. The clothing choices, presentation skills, talking style and every other attribute needed as per society’s unsaid norms. During her work tenure, a woman would encounter pay disparity, strangled promotions, lack of quality projects and of course a lot of mansplaining. If she is in her early 20s, she is looked down upon as incompetent – stating she is getting started. The “getting started” frame time for a woman might be longer than for a man due to easy opportunities. Men at top management, 75% of men are still in top management, discuss projects even in men’s locker rooms, and washrooms and ideations are held at big boys’ smoking breaks and other places away from women's participation (intentionally/unintentionally not the question). This management would even state that employing a woman who is expected to go on maternity break within a year of joining is an economic loss to the company's top line. Because of these reasons, the already minimal opportunities are cutthroat even more. These issues do bring down one’s morale. Mental health does take a toll and if a woman shares her emotional unwell-being, she would be tagged as one with cognitive or mental issues. Another undesired title added to her bucket of names would only add to her workplace trauma pushing to limits to take extensive actions such as quitting the workforce out of frustration.?

In the story above Bhumi didn’t take up a job on moral grounds but at the cost of what- to stay back at the current job and its (possible – as she was trying to change) frustrations, to handle taunts of colleagues at her workplace who might ridicule her about leaving a fat paycheck behind for trivial comments here and there. The everyday questions from folks from her personal and professional background, who would pass sly comments on letting go of excellent opportunities that would earn a fancy designation to mark her standing out in her career. The possibility of Bhumi being happy at the previous place would be marginal, she would need to restart her journey in hunting for another job, justifying her actions to those around her while she would need to pay the cost of her moral consequences silently.?

Is there a body to regulate these incidents? There are! (ICC - Internal Complaints Committee) is one such body and in organizations with more than 10 women, the implementation of the POSH act becomes mandatory. But are women encouraged to take up these cases to these bodies? Do managers understand that every "soft" sexist comment is a sexist comment that affects the psychology and well-being of women participating in the active workforce?

The injustice and lack of opportunities for women to stand up in the "man" dominant world need not be "normal". Being fair and evaluating one on credibility is the normal that I hope for!

Thank you for tagging along.

Would love to hear on -

What would you do such situations? Do you think it is "normal" to be asked such questions? How do you plan on changing the scenario at your work place?

You can read more articles on the same topic on –

https://www.usu.edu/uwlp/blog/2021/sexist-comments-responses-inequity-and-bias

https://www.uopeople.edu/blog/sexism-in-the-workplace/

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/women-reveal-the-sexist-questions-they-ve-been-asked-at-job-interviews-10281732.html

https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2022/03/02/how-indians-view-gender-roles-in-families-and-society/

https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2022/03/02/how-indians-view-gender-roles-in-families-and-society/

https://www.pewresearch.org/religion/2022/03/02/how-indians-view-gender-roles-in-families-and-society/

https://inbreakthrough.org/everyday-sexism-questions/

https://www.spglobal.com/esg/insights/featured/special-editorial/women-in-leadership-what-s-the-holdup#:~:text=It%20is%20also%20true%20for,are%20still%20held%20by%20men.