Social Skills and Cognitive Assertiveness

Throughout my career, I have encountered and continue to interact with thousands of cyber professionals, from the engineering side of the aisle to the managerial side: truly a full spectrum of personalities! If there is one foundational skillset one should manage, in my opinion, it is to be able to fine-tune one's cognitive assertiveness.

As humans, we are built from a diverse array of inputs and outputs. We all process these life experiences uniquely. However, there are commonalities in human behavior, especially when engaging in business relations. I want to share some tips I hope can help you better navigate the human business psyche.

1- The Art of Saying NO

Many of us have a natural tendency to want to say YES to anything and everything. I had struggled with this for many years. But resources are finite, and not everything is in line with my organizational mission or personal interests. So how do you say NO? 

Keep it short. There is no reason to over-explain anything. The more you talk and provide elaborate details, the weaker you appear. If the request or invitation is not in line with your mission, intent, business goals, or even your schedule, you should politely say, "No, I'm not interested at this time," "No, I will not comment on that," or just "No." There is no need to apologize. Instead of saying "Sorry for the inconvenience," you can say, "Thank you for your understanding."

Tip: Rarely will you owe anyone a reason for saying no, no matter how valid. There is no need to describe all your current and upcoming tasks/engagements/personal commitments in an effort to demonstrate how busy you are as a reason to decline an invitation. A simple "Thank you, but I will not be able to attend" is sufficient.

NOTE: There are trusted connections and relationships that do deserve a more detailed explanation. You know who they are! 

2- The Narcissistic Business Contact

Narcissism is one of the easiest things to identify, usually at the first stages of human contact. Narcissists are charming at first but tend to focus on themselves. Typically craving the praises of men, they often peacock, which can be humorous to witness. 

Tip: Stay away from such types as they usually tend to latch on and control. 

When you first meet them, they will talk about themselves in a presentation-like fashion. Their introductions might be long, much like they are reading a biography of themselves. Narcissists will make sure that you are impressed by their accomplishments (and they may drop many important names). 

NOTE: Do not completely discount them. Graciously acknowledge their accomplishments and excuse yourself. Sometimes you will have no choice but to co-exist. 

3- The YES Man (or YES Ma'am)

Beware of individuals who quickly agree to extensive commitments without consideration or further questioning. From experience, I have discovered that those who are over-eager to volunteer for everything being put on the table tend to be the ones who over-promise, often not realizing what it is they are getting into. They usually act now and think later, often not being able to deliver on their promises.

Tip: Do not anticipate over-achievement or even met expectations from such individuals.

4- The Insider Threat (s/he may look like a friend... but are not) 

We can only win in this life as a team! You want a team of genuine, trusted connections – the ones who are there for you when things are bad and when things are good. But remember this: just because someone is in your circle does not mean they are in your corner! Beware of the proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing, waiting for you to fall. From experience, a reasonably easy way to spot this kind of false friend is by carefully observing how they react to your success. Instead of rejoicing with you, they may display micro-aggressions or jealousy. They fail to acknowledge your accomplishments and, instead, they see your success as their failure. It is a distorted way of living, but it is a real thing. Social media has made the identification of such types straightforward to spot. 

Tip: Slowly distance yourselves from such personalities whenever possible and refrain from sharing your true successes with them. 

I hope this article can help you to better navigate the complex human waters. Always remember that we are all imperfect. For further advice, I invite you to learn more about thinking errors and cognitive behavior.

Paul de Souza, CSFI Founder

WWW.CSFI.US