Social media and youth mental health - The mistakes we made and 4 tips for parents

When my youngest daughter entered 5th grade, she started to become more active in after school activities like sports, girl scouts, etc. These things would require her to go with a friend, or walk somewhere after school and we wanted to make sure we had a way to communicate with her.? This meant it was time to get a cell phone.? But unlike a few years earlier when my oldest daughter was in the same situation, there was literally no other option for a phone besides a “smartphone” – flip phones had phased out and there were no phone-only devices available.? Being an iPhone user, the entry level iPhone seemed like the best/only option…and so my 5th grader got an iPhone.

Purchasing the device, and getting the service was something we felt was necessary…and it came in handy a number of times. But, in hindsight we also made a big mistake.? That is, not putting controls on the apps and data, in particular social apps.? Sure, we limited “screen time” and she was on the lowest data package possible…but we had wi-fi, and few limits.

We didn’t just let her download and access anything, for the most part the apps she downloaded were games, etc. but we also didn’t say no to things like Instagram early on. Then came Snapchat, then TikTok.? Yes, we monitored what she was posting, but there is so much more to these platforms besides just posting.

I’m normally not one to feel regret for decisions…you make mistakes and you move on.? But if I’m being honest, in the world of parenting the decision to fast track a smartphone plus not limiting access to these social apps, is one that I will always regret.? In my last role with Lions+Tigers, which supports a large community of parents of younger kids, I was often asked about our parenting, and I consistently brought up this example as one of our biggest mistakes.? Putting the power of connectivity, and without limitations, at that age was a mistake.?

Junior High (grades 6, 7 and 8) are challenging enough for kids, but now throw on the emotions triggered through social media and you have a recipe for trouble. Trouble meaning higher levels of anxiety and increased strain on already difficult middle school social interactions.? We encountered many very emotionally difficult situations only because of some kind of interaction typically originating through social platforms.

News came out this week that the Seattle Public School district is suing the big Social Media platform providers due to the mental health issues that they claim these platforms are creating for kids.? While I don’t disagree that the platforms are triggering and have the potential to fuel anxiety, I think parents (like me) also need to be accountable for opening up those platforms to our kids.??

I know…Parenting is hard.? Kids put pressure on us.? Kids put pressure on each other.? It isn’t easy to say no, and kids can't/won't understand that we are only trying to protect them.? But, relying on these 3rd party platforms to steer their focus away from an algorithm that fuels their business, is not going to happen…or at least not to the level that will fully protect our kids.? Parents need to step in and be more accountable for the power they choose to put into their kids' hands. I wish we would have.

My wife and I are in a position now to look back, recognize some mistakes, and be thankful that our daughter has navigated through some challenging times.? She still deals with anxiety, and we will never know if she was always going to have that…or if our lack of controls on social platforms brought that on.? All I can offer are some things that if we could do it over again would recommend?

1/ Delay getting a smartphone - Personal opinion, try and resist the pressure to get a smartphone before 7th grade.? That puts them about 13, and every bit of time helps.? If you do need a communication device before 7th grade, which is totally realistic, there are some non-smartphone options out there.? Your kids won't like you for it, but they do exist :-)?

2/ Social Media education - If and when you do move forward with a smartphone, start with education.? As Parents, we can take the lead here. Take some time to do a search, and there are a ton of resources to be found. At the same time, organizations like Seattle Public Schools could step up to provide education programs early on for pre-teens.? To be clear, I’m not talking about “how to” education, but more about understanding the impact of social media.? Programs like Screenagers that help to educate on struggles that come with access to social media and provide tips on how to navigate.?

3/ Set expectations and limitations - There are a number of ways to go about this, but however you decide to do it, it needs to be a collaboration so that there is mutual trust and acceptance.? If not done collaboratively and with some level of compromise, I think you’ll have a whole different set of challenges.? Personally, we were never a “we get to see your messages” kind of parents.? Reality is, kids are smart and will delete the ones they know would get them in trouble.? Be clear on what apps they get to use and/or want to use.? Know what those apps are, how they are being used and how they work.??

4/ Talk about the tough stuff - In the end, no matter how long you wait, how much education you provide and what expectations you set, tough situations are going to arise.? You need to have a relationship with your kids where you can be open to talk through them.? Let them talk, listen, don’t judge.? Offer support on how to navigate, options for what they could have done differently, and just be present.?

The platforms are part of the problem, but parents (and schools) need to be accountable as well.? There are things within our control that can help to make the inevitable experience across these various social platforms something that doesn’t have long-term impacts on our kids.

I’m curious what you think….Is the blame solely on the platform providers?? Do you think a school district suing will help??