Social Connection

Another week, another reason to write about connections and why they are important, despite the opinion of some specific ideological groups.

In the early 1990s, I was commissioned in the Navy as a Surface Warfare Officer. The Combat Exclusion Law was in effect, but was lifted while I was still in the training pipeline. It didn't matter, because the bare handful of women in the pipeline weren't going to be reassigned, we were too close to our report dates. In my first ship, USS BUTTE, an ammunition carrying supply ship, our Ship's Doc was an amazing mentor to me, handing me books and then talking to me about them (first book: Susan Faludi's Backlash, which is shockingly relevant more than 30 years after I read it.) He also suggested that the three young women Officers in the ship attend the Women Officer's Professional Association annual symposium since the ship was in the shipyard near Philadelphia and the symposium was in Washington, DC.

Naturally, we jumped at the chance to get out of hard hats and safety googles, so we went up with expectations of finding women who had been in our shoes. We were sorely disappointed - the only breakout session that was at all appealing to us was one on career choices. Unfortunately, at the height of the peace dividend era, the session was for senior women trying to decide if the Reduction in Force cuts were going to hit them, and what to do to prepare. Not what a trio of early 20-somethings wanted to sit through. We bailed and explored Georgetown instead. We also agreed we'd never go to such a useless event again.

Fast forward a little more than 10 years and I got a call from one of the folks organizing that year's symposium, asking me to be a panel member for a breakout session on mentorship. I tried to defer, but the person told me that the Coast Guard and Marine Corps were sending women Officers and senior Enlisted and the best the Navy could muster was an offer of a mid-level male Chief Petty Officer. At that point, I agreed. The panel was interesting and I'm sure we all answered many questions during the official session, but it wasn't memorable. What has stuck with me ever since though, was the aftermath, where I was mobbed by Junior Officers who'd never had a chance to interact with a junior Lieutenant Commander, much less a woman senior to me. They had a lot of questions.

Subsequent to that, there have been other moments when my male colleagues have reached out and asked that I mentor one or another young woman because they'd reached the end of their ability to give advice or answers to specific questions - about family, career planning, how to respond to difference circumstances (that one the men rarely knew about, they came to me in private).

When I commanded USS DECATUR, I was offered an opportunity to attend the same symposium, and to bring two officers with me. I held out and brought two Officers and two Sailors. All four eventually met women who became mentors in specific fields. Two of them went on to integrate submarines and have had amazing careers.

After leaving command, while attending a different symposium, for the Surface Navy Association, I noticed a young Officer trailing me at a distance, then pacing back and forth nearby when I stopped to chat with a friend. I walked over and introduced myself, and asked her about herself. She was relieved that she didn't have to make the approach, but told me that her boss had suggested she find me and talk. I don't think we talked much beyond that initial in person conversation, but it struck me at how hungry she was to find a woman who had "been there" for advice when the men in her chain of command had reached the limit of their experience.

In one of my final jobs in the Navy, I was responsible for manning a Navy contingent in a very high visibility and high demand office. We needed to replace two great Junior Officers, and all of the proposed folks looked great, but a couple stood out in particular. We reached out to their chains of command for feedback. The male Officer's chain of command was all in. The woman's was enthusiastic about her and convinced that she'd be great, but because she had a young family and a military spouse, they discouraged us from considering her. This information was presented to me, by the two men doing initial screening, as "Well, she's out, we'll call and ask for more candidates." I slowed their roll, and asked the person whose job we were considering her for to reach out, give her all the ugly details, and ask if she were interested. As it happens, she had a great support network in place and was enthusiastic about the job. She was an absolute rock star - but had there not been a woman in the approval process, she would have been passed over for the next person in line, who was nowhere near as spectacular as she was.

So what's my point here? I've had amazing men as mentors, coaches, and sponsors - I was incredibly lucky in my career. I also never had a woman to look up to, that I'd consider a mentor, much less a coach or a sponsor. I've tried to be the person I wish I'd had whenever the call has come, because as amazing as the men have been, there are questions they've never had to ask and situations they've never had to work through. The connections forged by affinity groups provide support and connectedness in areas where official channels fail, and more importantly, help expand the official channels so that the need for affinity groups is lessened. Connections matter, and right now, in a national crisis of loneliness, those connections are being broken.

Last week, West Point eliminated a number of gender and ethnic based affinity groups, oddly leaving intact the French, German, Russian, and similar affinity groups. The Naval Academy has followed suit. And this week, the Navy has officially severed ties with the Sea Services Leadership Association (the descendent of the Women Officers Professional Association), the National Naval Officers Association, and the Association of Naval Services Officers, which are affinity groups supporting Black and Hispanic Naval Officers. Today, for the first time, I joined the SSLA as a Life Member, because while I'm not a joiner by nature, I am going to take a small step inn continuing to support the women of the sea services in any way I can.