Sober curious: What is it and why is it so cool?

Club S?DA NYC is a trailblazing organisation that holds events for the ‘sober curious.’ It’s purpose is to remove the stigma centered around alcohol abuse and even sobriety itself.

Today I spoke to Ruby Warrington, author, journalist and founder of Club S?DA NYC. Her mission is to directly address deeply ingrained drinking habits, as she noticed traditional approaches don’t work for everyone...

Where did your journey to sobriety / cutting back on alcohol begin?

It was around 2010 that I first made the link between the crippling anxiety I was experiencing at the time, characterized by sleeplessness, acute stress and overall feelings of hopelessness and despair, and my alcohol consumption. I went on my first yoga retreat for a work assignment, and it was the first weekend I hadn't had any alcohol for as long as I could remember. The difference in my mood, energy levels, and outlook was impossible to ignore.

What were the motivators for starting your sober journey / continuing to stay sober?

Without alcohol, I feel as though I can handle whatever life throws at me - whereas when I was drinking, I would often become overwhelmed with a sense of hopelessness. This increased sense of self-confidence and optimism is all the motivation I need. 

What, for you personally, are the biggest benefits to sobriety?

Besides the above, which has a positive impact on every area of my life, my sleep and digestion have both improved markedly since quitting booze. Again, these physical factors have had a knock-on effect in many areas, and I actually didn't realize how much poor sleep and digestion were affecting my overall wellbeing until they improved.

How did you identify your triggers towards alcohol?

Through trial and error, and cultivating mindfulness around my thought processes with a regular meditation practice. My biggest trigger is simply "feeling relaxed." I've discovered I never crave alcohol in stressful or social situations, but that reaching the end of a lengthy project or heading off on holiday will automatically trigger a desire to drink.

What was your biggest obstacle to sobriety?

Besides my emotional / habitual addiction to alcohol, probably my social group. As a hard-partying twenty-and-thirtysomething, my entire social life and friendship group revolved around booze, and I wonder if I'd have been able to transition so easily to not drinking had I remained in London rather than move to NYC in 2012. Moving to a new city allowed me the opportunity to reinvent myself socially, and thus slowly unlearn the belief that to be social meant getting drunk.

We’re all human - so do you still give into temptation sometimes? What are your words of advice for those that do?

Yes I do, but I don't frame it as "giving in" since I now view alcohol as a toxic poison and so I'm never tempted to "indulge." Rather, I consciously choose situations in which alcohol feels like an appropriate substance to use to enhance my experience. Having unlearned all my habitual drinking patterns over the past 7 years, I've discovered that these are very VERY few and far between (dancing outside at a music festival, for example - and never just because it's Friday night!) I have also become so sensitive to the effects of alcohol, that I am able to monitor sip by sip how it's making me feel, and recognize exactly when I've had enough. I can't remember the last time I drank "unconsciously" (i.e. with no awareness of how much I was drinking and how it was making me feel, which is how I used to drink all the time) - but for anybody who has been there and wishes they hadn't, don't beat yourself up. Layering on guilt will only exacerbate the "me v. booze" dynamic that In my book it's not a relapse, it's just a reminder.

In your book Material Girl, Mystic World there’s a chapter called “Healing Is The New Nightlife.” How has healing become the new ‘going out?’

This is a reference to the fact that a lot of what I used to seek with drinking - connection to others, feeling high, transcendent experiences - I now get from amazing yoga and breath work session, or other "high vibe" healing events and workshops.

As part of your group Club S?DA NYC you mention ‘sober curious souls’ - can you explain more about that? It sounds intriguing!

I describe myself as being "sober curious" as I am not 100% tee-total - rather, I am committed to asking every last question about my alcohol consumption, and the way we as a society consume booze. Answering these questions by choosing to experience life as a 99% sober person has been the key to my whole journey, and it's a path I am passionate about sharing with others.

A lot of people falsely assume ‘sobriety’ means ‘to live a dull life.’ Is there such a thing as a ‘healthy hedonism’? What does this involve?

Like many people, I used to assume that life without alcohol would be so one-note. I didn't want the lows, but surely that would also mean sacrificing the highs, right? So wrong! What I've realized is that while I was drinking regularly (meaning 3-4 times per week, like most people I knew), I was living with constant low-level anxiety that the fake alcohol "high" simply numbed out for a few hours. Without alcohol in my system, I am able to feel everything, all the time, and this actually means many more "ups and downs" - the ups being sustainable and genuine, and the downs being so much more short-lived and easier to handle. As for healthy hedonism, the word actually means "the pursuit of pleasure", and different things are pleasurable to me now. Getting an amazing night of deep, uninterrupted sleep, for example!

Alcohol plays a big role in the Western world when it comes to spending time with friends and colleagues. How can sobriety and socialising go hand in hand? Do you have any particular go-to tips?

Number 1 tip: socialize with people you actually like! Spending time with friends who genuinely like me, who make me laugh, and who have a positive outlook on life, I never feel the need to drink to fit in or have a good time.

Self-care is part of the journey to a happy, sober lifestyle. As an expert in this, please walk us through a typical self-care routine…

For me it's about tuning in to what I need on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level, and then seeking to fulfill these needs. This could mean anything from a regular yoga and meditation practice, dietary shifts, controls around my tech & social media use, the people I surround myself with, family time, having real conversations about what's going on for me, and a regular sleep routine.

Is there anyone you particularly look up to with regards to becoming sober? Do you have any role models?

I prefer to be my own role model, but Brené Brown's work...as it relates to living a sober life had a big impact when I first discovered it. And even in my drinking days, I always secretly thought the people who didn't drink were the coolest.

Since you have become sober what parts of your personality or strengths have you discovered that you never thought you had?

None really. If anything, I'm more aware of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities - and accepting these and loving myself despite of them has been a huge part of my sober curious journey.

Check out Ruby’s website here and her book, Material Girl, Mystic World.

Dr Bunmi Aboaba is a sober coach, sober companion and intervention specialist focusing on helping professionals through their new sober or sober curious journeys. Visit The Sober Advantage for more info or email [email protected]