So, you are grieving...

In the old days people would know if you had suffered a bereavement. People would wear black after the passing of their loved ones, bereavement wreaths on the front door would show the neighbours that someone had passed, some people would withdraw from society for a while and so on.

We have lost these rituals, so our losses have become more invisible. New rituals are now popping up online, but that doesn't always mean that your bereavement is visible in your real-life community.

Wearing black signals to others that an earth-shattering event has taken place and it may evoke understanding and patience from the people surrounding the grievers. As a child I once saw a lady in Spain wearing black. It made a lasting impression on me as I was not used to seeing people dressed in a way that reflected their grieving.

Moving through grief takes time and energy, but when the passing of a loved one is visible the process may become easier when outsiders are continually reminded of the fact that a lady wearing black is in need of consideration.

Nowadays life is much more fast-paced, which means that people who are grieving can hardly catch their breath, before their community moves on.

I am not saying, though, that life should not go on. It should and it does. But people who have lost a loved one sometimes have the wish that they could stop "all the clocks" as was so beautifully expressed in W.H. Auden's Funeral Blues:

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message 'He is Dead'.

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;

For nothing now can ever come to any good."

And although we know that love never really dies it does feel like that to the mourners. They can be forgiven for thinking that nothing "can ever come to any good", as it certainly feels that way to their nervous system as it is on high alert after their bereavement.

Losing a spouse entails shattered dreams and plans that you made with your beloved. Also, many of your rituals and routines have disintegrated and it’s like starting all over again and reinventing yourself. All this creates a sense of danger to which your nervous system reacts.

I am not saying that all the old rituals surrounding death were 100% perfect, what I am saying though, is that some rituals help the bereaved as it enables to express to the world what they are going through. And mourners can't move through their grief without compassion and understanding from others, especially after the first few weeks and months.