So what WTF happens next...? I’m flummoxed, bewildered, bemused, puzzled, perplexed, baffled, stumped, mystified, stupefied, nonplussed, muddled, befu

Stephen W. Ayers

I don’t get it, not by a bloody long shot. I am confused, totally at a loss, entirely flummoxed, when it comes to understanding my options, or lack of them, as to to what happens next. In the big beyond I mean. That is to say, after you close those heavy ‘lids’ for the last time (or worse, have them closed for you).

There are a ton of explanations out there, all of them from a kaleidoscope of religious denominations that lay out all the options in front of you. It make this even more confusing. Most of these ‘options’ are dependent on how you lived this life…...since they all state without a doubt that there is life after life. Get it? Life after life (death actually but let’s not split hairs!)

How in hell did they find out? Was it in their ‘big book’ and they accept it at face value? Kinda risky and sheep-like wouldn’t you agree?

Of course, all of these options, at least the nice ones, become an increasingly attractive proposition the older you get. But no one has actually proved anything. So, if I understand this correctly, you have to be way beyond reproach, almost saintly, in this life to get something in the next that is in no way guaranteed by anyone…...not a great agreement by any lawyers standards, or indeed mine.

So, WTF happens after? Of course no one can answer that question with confidence, and if they do I am inclined to reach for the salt shaker.

The problem is, you simply cannot choose which life after life you can opt for and that really sucks. That quite frankly really narrows the choices for me.

Most if not all of the afterlife options have been made up by clever, cunning, sneaky strategists ( some in the past, some in the present, many of them religious). They are ‘hell’ (haha) bent on influencing your behavior while on this planet and promising great rewards if you are good in the the brief moments we occupy our present bods. While that is good and perhaps influences many to be kind, nice and considerate to each other, it still does not convince me. I mean, what happens if you are a great person but have lied (we all do at some stage), or if you broke laws when driving (we all do sometime), or did not inform the grocery checkout person when an item was missed and you got it for free (anyone not done that?), or broke any more rules? Does that behavior drop you valuable points? Will it tip you into a bad place when you finally peg? What I am saying is that humans are programmed to lie, cheat, steal and even murder. So basically at this point we really need to consider only hell. If this ‘points’ business resembles driving demerit points, then there is not much hope in the ‘after’ for most of us after a lifetime of reasonably bad but normal human behaviour. So let’s take a look at the options sold to us (actually free but you know what I mean) and try to understand. Let’s see if and how we can reach a great place in the sky after checking out of our earthly collection of water covered bones.

If, as I am inclined to believe, the whole screen goes black when you flee earthly confines, (like a laptop when you power off), then that closes the chapter, end of story. Nothing. Emptiness. A black hole has devoured you but you aren’t aware of that because there is nothing. Nada, zero, zilch. I am kinda ok or even better with this theory. It is simple, easy and understandable. No matter what you do while here there is a sudden dead end. No need to think about what comes next...and that is great if you can accept it. Peace of mind while you are alive. No PTSD symptoms, no anxiety deliberating or thinking about what’s next. Almost heaven on earth. Sounds like a kind of Nirvana in this life doesn’t it, and is perhaps why atheists seem to me to be exceptionally calm types? No memory terabytes taken up in storing afterlife thoughts to mull over and worry about. Perfect!

But what to do with what we leave behind? How do we deal with that thought while our hearts keep pumping bravely? Again, the options seem grand, but are they acceptable?

‘Normal burial’? Well, if you can stand the thought of decomposing over the years, you’re OK on this one. You’ve all seen roadkill in various stages ‘post pancaking’. Those bring on great revulsion, even nauseousness, and certainly great ‘yukiness’. Not for me this ‘pushing daisies’ from below stuff, plus it sounds uncomfortable to the extreme, claustrophobic box and all. And the neighbors aren’t that great either.

How about reincarnation? Are you prepared to risk your soul transferring to another unchosen body or form? What if you become a frog, a snake, a rat, a fly or other animal, or, worst of all perhaps a migrant in a future caravan hated by Trump? Not a great option here as you have zero control of your soul’s transfer after kicking the rusty old bucket. Very risky option in my book.

If I could control the outcome maybe I would adopt this one but under the existing rules there is a huge NO from me here. Too risky.

How about all the options between heaven and hell? So many on display here, attractive ones also, just there for the picking.

Here there is one very attractive option, namely going to heaven. My nirvana could well be sitting on a soft memory foam cloud eating tender fillet between snoozes that go on forever. Endless supply of creme caramels, chocolate, ice cream, you get the drift, oh, and you never get any fatter too. Almost healthy Roman decadence here, and quite suitable, speaking frankly. It would fit me like a glove, honestly speaking. Bliss indeed, but wait, what if there is no meat in heaven? Can’t kill animals there. That could spike the dream for sure. Narrows the menu too much. However, it still beats the alternative hands down. Yes, I am talking about hell, that place of never ending fire and suffering.

I simply cannot risk believing in the possibility that I may have to toil forever (and I mean FOREVER), pushing a stinking bucket full of filthy slop and feces up a steep hill that I know I never can crest, all the while sweating profusely in the scalding temps down in Satan’s lair of punishment and torment. Not even a day off per week, and no union protection down there.The grub would also be way below my accepted standards. Couldn’t the people who made hell up have just invented a place of discomfort? I may have gone for that given that it might be better than just a dead end black screen. I could perhaps, maybe even, accept discomfort. After all, we all know what that is like in its varying degrees. I would however demand guarantees on the various levels of discomfort not to be exacerbated prior to signing on the dotted line for that one.

Purgatory also does not seem a very viable option given that your soul may not be able to achieve that degree of holiness that is your ticket to the aforementioned memory foam clouds, fillet and sweets combo (If, and a huge if, it is available up there). Not a great thought, since that would bring on acute anxiety and there are no medicines to combat that in the in-between that is purgatory. As we all know acute anxiety might kill you suddenly, prior to having weighed your options before boarding that ferry, or as the 19th century Scots used to call death, ‘enlaike’. (Didn’t know that one right?)

So why not delay that decision by cryovacing your body. Freeze the ‘holy’ (get it?) sh-t out of yourself and hang upside down for a long while in the hope that one day the geniuses will discover the potion to everlasting life and cure-alls. Not a bad idea, right? I mean, you might be able to carry on as before someday…..not bad, right? But I am averse to the biting cold that even winter brings (especially here in Canada….’we the north’ and all that!). It sometimes gets to minus 30C. So will anyone guarantee me that, even after I ‘stiffen’ (You guys know it as rigor mortis), the temps of cryovac (-196C) will not get to my frozen solid bones and I feel it? NO? So cryovac is a no no, even with early onset elderly rigor mortis as you ripen with old age!

Burial in space? Yup, that’s not a bad idea, if you are in some state up there of being able to see and be a space tourist, enjoying the extra terrestrial views as you speed along like a super supersonic bullet, perhaps meeting some interesting aliens along the way. Otherwise what is the bloody point of space burial? But on second thoughts this must be refused. You see, first you have to go through the fires of hell (870C-980C crematorium temps, and in serious competition to actual hell I’d say) as it is your ashes that travel the galaxies. So no to that too. No guarantees plus way too hot. Plus exorbitantly priced tickets.

Mummification? Mmmm…..Have you seen the emaciated body of ‘iceman’, or pictures of King Tut? I mean pictures of them as they are today. Gross to say the least, and can anybody guarantee that you won’t feel all that salt on the way to getting dried out, after having your insides emptied and your brain pulled out through your nose? Ughhh! You would feel and look like a salty sun dried tomato. Actually you might not feel it at all without your brain. So, no to me being a mummy. If somehow I do get roped into mummification I will most definitely come with a curse, much much much worse than those curses that came with the mummies in Egypt, believe me. I will exact bloody revenge the likes of which no one has ever seen if someone does the mummy bit with my leftovers.

Did anyone of you readers see or like the ‘Body works’ exhibition at all? Real creepy even though touted as ‘educational’? It is rumored that the creator himself admitted that he would have been a serial killer had he not been allowed to plastify corpses. Having seen body works I believe him, I really do, and without argument. Now, who wants to be on display, warts and all, and I mean ALL. Exhibitionism, legal exhibitionism, must be the only reason to want to be plastified (unless they steal your bod). I mean, all those morbid people staring at you, plastified and completely starkers! Do you know for certain that you would not feel any shame, huh? I’m definitely not into exhibitionism, I do not want people staring at my dearest little one and my plastic family jewels (you know what I mean). So no thanks…...plus I would have to travel a lot and I would be dead tired all the time. (No pun intended here, honestly!).

So I go back to my preferred choice of the black screen. Since that is the full stop on life, the dead and final end, the ‘complete delete’ if you will, my only sure escape.

As I heard someone quote once, “I am not afraid of dying I just don’t want to be there when it happens”. But when it comes, please just push the ‘power off’ button!

And, since everything has or will have been deleted, gone black, disappeared, do what you will with what is left.

But whatever you decide, please make sure it’s none of the above.