So what is a cochlear implant, and why was it such a hard decision to make?

OK.. so apparently my last article "fell short" a little in explaining what the cochlear surgery entails, why it is such a big decision, and how I was "really" feeling about it. So here I go, trying to tap into a little more of the education and feelings all at the same time. Not easy!

So I am going to give you a little education on the cochlear itself, a blow-by-blow on the recovery angle, and why this is such a life changing decision. (NB, I am not a Dr, so have tagged my surgeon and audiologist in the post for any follow up questions).

Before I get into what does the cochlear surgery entails.. let me start off with some basics - difference between a hearing aid and cochlear.

Hearing Aids (i still wear one on my right ear - and will continue to do so) - they amplify the natural hearing you have... so if I have 15% hearing - it will amplify that 15% only. It will not give me access to hearing I have already lost i.e the 85%. The challenge is that it doesn't only amplify voice, but all of the sounds, like in a cafe - the coffee grinder, the plates and cups banging together, dogs barking etc - makes it very difficult to separate out the voice you are trying to hear.

Cochlear - uses an internal implant and external processor to feed electronic sound directly to your auditory canal. You are no longer using your ears, or your "natural hearing" - but you may not be able to decipher or recognise sounds as you haven't heard them ever, or for a long time. This is where sound mapping and therapy come into play.

So now you know a bit of the basics, why was this such a hard decision to make to go down this path? Well for me there were 3 considerations... 1) loss of all "natural hearing" in my left ear, leaving me with very little natural hearing in my right. 2) The acceptance within the Deaf Community - there is still a large stigma associated with cochlear implants and 3) Work... rightly or wrongly, will they support me through this journey (and its a long one with the mapping and therapy), will i still be able to be the leader I aspire to be?

It was an interesting decision making process - obviously I had my own thoughts about it - but there are 2 conversations that really stood out to me in helping me make up my mind. Firstly, my surgeon.. who said "well the natural hearing you do have is not overly useful anyway, so why don't we turn it into something workable?" - very pragmatic ??.. and my boss (who is very black and white) "i don't understand the question here.. continue with little hearing, or gain more access to sound? Seems like a pretty easy decision" ?? - he then followed it up with "we want you in this role, we will support you - now lets have a conversation about your career roadmap". So I felt supported and safe to make the decision I needed to make.

My decision was further validated by members of the Deaf Community coming forward and reassuring me that the old thinking around cochlear vs non-cochlear is slowly (but surely) becoming an outdated debate. It doesn't need to be either or - you can have access to both worlds.

So with all 3 of my concerns addressed.. i went ahead.

The Surgery

Day 1 - Day 2: The Sweet Delusions

My day started off with registering at the hospital at 7.30am... Had been fasting since midnight. I wasn't taken in until 9.30am - which gave me enough time to have a mix of nerves and hunger which to be honest, wasn't a great look for me.

The staff at Changi General Hospital , were amazing in the prep - they kept my hearing aids in up until the very end, so I could follow what was going on at all time.

After they prepped me, I was determined to make it to "5" in the countdown before lights out... i didn't even make it to the countdown - was out like a light very quickly.

During the surgery the surgeon made a small (and very neat) incision behind my left ear, and formed a small hole in the portion of skull bone (mastoid) where the internal implant would sit. He then created a small opening in the cochlea in order to thread the electrode of the internal implant. The skin incision is stitched closed so that the internal implant now sits underneath my skin.

I woke up, feeling great at about 2.30... no nausea, no dizziness (which is pretty common with inner ear surgery), and very little pain - (yup was still high).

That night I started to feel a little pain, I also couldn't feel my tongue, i couldn't chew very well - and everything had a metallic taste. All pretty normal with this surgery - this all died down within 24 hours.

On the upside, the "no hearing" meant I could get a pretty good night sleep without all of the normal hospital noises... At this point - I was loving the decision that I had made.

Day 3 - Day 7: The 'Reckoning'

It was really Day 3 that the realisation of the enormity of this surgery had come home to "roost" - and it came in the form of not being able to hear the doorbell even with my right hearing aid in. Whilst, this is a small insignificant detail in the grand scheme of things - it sent me on a inward journey of understanding what this surgery really meant for my future - and how "cavalier" I had been prior to the surgery.

My head was really starting to hurt, it was swollen, my ear stuck out and was also swollen - and I had this indescribable "hollow" feeling in my head. I started to feel highly isolated, as I couldn't put into words how I felt, nor did I want to voice the idea "had I made the right decision"?

On day 5 of recovery, both the best and worst thing happened... I needed to attend a work event. Whilst i know, I could have said "no" - it was important for my team and myself to show up. I was highly anxious about going, i felt completely insecure about how I looked, how I felt, and how I was going to cope with not being able to hear as much as I normally would.

Luckily, my husband washed my hair for me, and I took my time working through a "routine of getting ready" that grounded me enough to get out of the door. I honestly didn't think i would get out of the car when I arrived... but again, this was too important to not show up.

Thankfully, I was greeted by friendly and familiar faces, all who knew what I had been through - and they looked after me so well. Thank you Salesforce Garima Singh Stephanie Goveas and Akshay Bajpaee (who even learned some sign language).

Day 7 was truly a miserable day.. i couldn't hear my daughter (14 months old) cry, I couldn't hear the TV, I felt hollow, my head was both sore and itchy from the stitches and I couldn't get comfortable no matter how I sat or lay down. To top it all off I was bored... but too tired to do anything. I was completely over it, I now was completely convinced I had made the wrong decision. This was my "life" now... irreversible, miserable and hollow.

Day 8- Day 14: Acceptance

Finally, Day 8... meaning, the stitchers would be removed, and I could see my surgeon Heng-Wai Yuen - I needed to feel "normal" again.. and I had no idea how this was going to happen.

One thing you need to know about Heng-Wai Yuen is he is a "unicorn" (stole the term from the audiologist) - he is probably the most personable surgeon I have ever encountered, he puts you first which means he puts your nerves at ease, instantly..

...and does amazingly neat work... I didn't even feel any of the stitches being removed. His genuine warmth and care but all my fears and doubts aside - I was back to remembering why I went down this path. It was incredible how half an hour with this wonderful man could change my perspective so fundamentally..

I could start to see that there was more to this journey than simply the surgery, and later that day - another of the amazing Drs in my team reached out to me over WhatsApp Kenneth Chua AuD - the audiologist who has quite literally walked me through each stage of this journey step-by-step. I mentioned how I had been feeling, he reminded me that this is all normal, validated my feelings - made me feel "heard" and reassured me that I would get through this stage. Offered some simple, and much needed, reality checks of the situation... and booked in my "switch on date" for the external device.

This was all I needed to feel a little more settled, forward focused and positive about the next steps.

What followed the next few days - up until today, in fact, was a series of acceptance. Accepting I am no different to who I was before, yes I may need to work out how to do things differently now i.e more home automation for doorbell, baby crying, alarm clock... thanks 谷歌 and Bellman & Symfon Sverige for making accessibility easy. I may need to focus a little harder on lip reading at the moment, I may need to accept that I will go through waves of both loving and hating the cochlear - but if I can stay focused on what is truly important - then I think this journey will be an incredible new beginning for me.

What's next?

Well.. I go back to work tomorrow.. and on 27th October by cochlear will be turned on. Will I be sharing the "footage" of this happening? Absolutely not. This can be a very overwhelming experience, it will feel very unnatural to me - so I will be keeping that one personal.. I will update you all to let you know that is has been turned on though.

Thank you for all of you have been really interested in this journey - I still have about 6-12 months of therapy and rehab to go, but I am ready and positive about the future.

Thank you to those of you who have been in constant contact with me, for the flowers, the cake deliveries, the balloons, the unparalleled love and care you have all shown - it has meant the world to me. You all know who you are. ??

If there are any questions at all about this procedure or about Cochlear - treat this article as a "ask me anything (respectfully)" - happy to answer any and all questions.

Hope this has been interesting and educational...

Naomi