"So my male partner uses pornography and I don't..."

Question:

"So my male partner uses pornography and I don’t. It gives me a major ick and makes me feel less attracted to and less horny for him which sucks because before I knew this about him, our sex life was mostly exciting, fun and connecting. I think if he only accessed ethically produced and genuinely feminist content, I’d feel a bit more okay with it, but knowing that he sometimes uses gross sites like PornHub makes me feel depressed as from what I’ve looked at (even searching with terms like ‘feminist’ and ‘pleasure’) so much is still about male dominance, male ejaculation, satisfying an icky male hetero gaze, and sometimes grossly violent, like with gestures of strangulation and degrading.

It’s also extra tricky terrain because we have a teenage boy (13) who’s not sexually active yet but no doubt has seen or is using porn already. I want my partner and me to be having open, honest and helpful conversations with him about consent and porn, and the lack of consent shown in porn etc. but am worried that my partner and me not being on the same page will end up with our 13 year old getting confusing messages from us. I don’t want my partner to feel shame for consuming pornography content but I do want him to think about how it affects him, his desires and attitudes towards women. And I want us to support our 13 year old to be porn literate, to have a solid understanding of consent, and to respect women. Any tips for what and how to communicate to my partner about this? And how can we talk with our 13 year old?"

- Female, 44.

Answer:

Let me start by validating your experience with the confident assumption that there’s a chorus of “same” ringing out in front of screens across the world. We’ve heard countless stories from people of all ages struggling to navigate the complexities of pornography use in relationships. Before I dive into how to approach this conversation with your partner, let’s set the scene about the mainstream pornography landscape today.

Conceptually, the practice of observing intimacy is not new or negative. Sexually explicit carvings have been etched in cave walls and on ancient pottery for millennia. But today’s modern additives of the internet, patriarchy, rape culture and surveillance capitalism have created an entirely different beast. Porn consumers didn't build the exploitative $97-billion industry but they're learning to navigate it.

That porn is mostly free and unprecedentedly ubiquitous (you may have heard of ‘Rule 34’: if it exists, there is porn for it) suggests that consuming it is casual and low stakes. Most people haven’t been afforded education about how sites like PornHub could be affecting their attitudes, desires and relationships. To this end, shame and demonisation of an individual person is unhelpful. Empathy, curiosity and openness is key.

To begin, coming to the table with the latest research can help you to bolster the rationale behind your feelings, and empower your partner to become porn literate himself. Here’s a start on some of the facts. For more depth, allow me to shamelessly plug my boss Chanel Contos' fantastic book Consent Laid Bare.

How porn impacts attitudes to women and sexual violence.

Research shows that as many as 9 in 10 of the most popular porn videos show acts of physical aggression or violence. Unsurprisingly, 97% of the targets of that violence are women, who almost always respond neutrally or with pleasure. Research also shows that separating ‘fantasy’ from ‘reality’ is not as easy as some might think; men who watch pornography are significantly less likely to intervene when witnessing sexual assault, report an increased behavioural intent to rape, and are more likely to believe rape myths.

Assuming you’ve picked a partner who shares similar values to you, I’d hazard that he's opposed to violence against women and not too keen on the idea of subconsciously adopting these attitudes or behaviours. Share this information with him - without being shaming, accusatory, or suggesting that watching porn is a direct path to violence - and allow him space to digest it in his own time. Fight The New Drug has many informative articles to explore.

How porn impacts relationships.

Your experience of feeling disconnected from or less attracted to your partner is entirely valid as a standalone. But in case you’d enjoy the validation of an academic study, this one interviewed hundreds of partners of porn consumers and found they often report lower self-esteem, worse relationship quality, and less sexual satisfaction.

Begin by discussing your feelings with your partner in a non-judgmental and open way. Be specific about your unease and emphasize your want to support your 13 year old in developing a healthy, respectful understanding of sex and relationships. You might say something like, "I’ve been feeling uncomfortable about the kind of pornography you use, and it’s affecting how I feel about our intimacy. I want us to feel connected and aligned, especially as we guide our son through his own understanding of sexuality."

Speaking to your 13 year old.

It’s understandable that parents and children may feel equally awkward about having the porn talk. It's Time We Talked and Maree Crabbe have a wealth of terrific resources to support you through this process. We’ve adapted some pointers below, and strongly encourage you to dive into the full guides online.

• Create a private, non-pressured opportunity to talk. Think about what you want to say beforehand, and consider using a car trip together to strike up the conversation.
• Link the porn talk to your child’s use of technology. Considering you’re the ‘gate-keeper’ of his access to devices, you could loop pornography into a chat about the internet's risks and benefits, and your expectations around phone or laptop use.
• Use a film or pop culture medium as a springboard. If you see unrealistic sex displayed on TV, hear a joke about penis size in a film, or read gendered stereotypes play out in a book, you could use this as an opportunity to discuss where people get these impressions and how porn could be contributing to this.

Remember that both the conversation with your partner and your child should be done in chapters. While you can’t change someone’s mind or behaviors overnight, you can start the conversation today. And by maintaining open lines of communication, remaining empathetic and focusing on the shared goal of raising a considerate human being, you can address this issue thoughtfully. All the best!