So I'm going to be forty...

So, in just under one year, I’ll be forty years old. And while age is not something that usually bothers me, there’s something about this age that catches in my throat whenever I say it out loud. Forty! Ughh!

Over my adult years, I have been through some “things”, I’ve seen people that I care about the most leave, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve hurt persons who were dear to me and been hurt myself. But through it all I have learnt some valuable lessons, some of which I am still trying to come to terms with. All of which, I wish I knew when I was my twenty-year-old self.

1.      It’s okay to fail. I list this one first because if I were to tell the truth, I am still grappling with this mammoth beast of a lesson. Sometimes when we have invested a lot of resources-time, money, etc- into a project, idea or life choice, it’s damn hard to admit to ourselves and others that it’s a dud. However, as life would design it, that project, idea or life choice will continue to beat us to the ground until we learn to do just that and LET IT GO! And you will know in your heart of hearts that you should. You won’t need anyone to tell you what you should do, if you would only just listen to your inner self. I should qualify this by noting that I am not saying that you should not to try things and put exponential effort into something you really believe in. Your life is going to be really boring if you’re not trying new things and possibly failing repeatedly. What I am saying is, when you realize that it doesn’t fit, that it’s not going to work, that it’s toxic, go ahead and fail, it’s okay. Then dust yourself off, take some time to recalibrate and get working on building something new.

2.      Listen to yourself. No one talks to you as much as you do. No one knows you as much as you do or is as intimate with you as you are. You know what’s best for you. Period. That voice you hear in your head, is a gift, at times a curse. Learn to listen. Learn how to quiet all of life’s noises and be with yourself so that you can truly listen. For me, I’ve found a nice glass of wine, a good book or maybe some soothing music to be the “place” where I can listen best. Find something that works for you and make time for it.

3.      People you love will hurt you. You will hurt people you love. At times, this will not be intentional. While it may feel personal, it really is not. Sometimes the people that hurt you, well, they’re so hurt themselves that they may not even know that they are inflicting the same pain they wish to escape. If you have hurt someone, understand that you do not get to choose how they express that hurt. Accept accountability and let them know that you are sorry. They may need that. And, as I tell my children, “sorry” means that you accept responsibility for your actions, you understand that you have done wrong by the person, that you have hurt them and that you will do whatever you can to not repeat that action towards them or to anyone else.

4.      If someone hurts you, it’s okay to move on without an apology. You may think that you need it, but you don’t. Forgive them and yourself and then move on with your life. You are only hurting yourself if you hold on to the anger. This is easier said than done but do it anyway. Trust me.

5.      People will show you their true colours, why not just give them the benefit of the doubt and belief them? I stumbled upon this little nugget of wisdom while watching an episode of the Oprah Winfrey show with my mom back in the day. Did I listen to wise Oprah? I should have but no I didn’t. Oprah doesn’t lie and as the saying goes- “Actions speak louder than words”. I’ll add one word to that saying- “CONSISTENT actions speak louder than words”.

6.      Sometimes what others perceive as strength, is really fear. Don’t get caught up in the trap thinking that you have to be a martyr, sacrificing yourself just to hold it all together. Honestly, sometimes you do. Sometimes you do have to be that one to hold it all up. But don’t live there. Lesson 1 above will help you with this.

7.      Do not dim yourself for the benefit of others. I try to instill this into my children, but funnily enough it was my daughter who reminded me of this lesson only too recently. She’s nine and in that moment, was wiser than her almost forty year old mom. Don’t restrict your growth because it may not sit well with others or might make them feel badly. Don’t be an obnoxious a**hole but know that your growth will be an inspiration to others and the people that really matter, will be proud of you.

8.      It is okay to ask for help. Now this one is also a bit of a challenge for me. Afterall, I am a strong, independent woman! Hear me roar and all that jazz. Seriously though, build a tribe and summon them when you need them. Make sure members of that tribe are really interested in building but understand that we are all human and have our unflattering moments. And when you have these people, ask for help. It will not make you look weak. It will make you look, human.

9.      You are going to be just fine. Life may throw its twists and turns at you, but you are still here. You are okay, and you are going to be just fine if you continue persevering. Belief me, it’s not personal and life doesn’t have anything against you. We all go through good and bad. The difference is how we go through those times. Be grateful for the good times and persevere through the bad. You’ll come out at the other end of both.

I am going to be forty, and each day is a new lesson for me. Some days I am better at receiving and acting on these lessons than others. Some days, I damn well suck at it. But I am here, and I’ll keep trying and learning. And I’ll turn forty, by the grace of God, and maybe that won’t be so bad.

What advice would you give your twenty-year-old self if you could speak to her/him right now? Remember, your advice to your twenty-year -old self might just help someone else now.