So how do we fix our bad listening?

Hopefully you read my last article, have taken the chance to reflect on the quality of your listening, and your open-minded and honest self-reflection has admitted that you could do a bit better! So what are we going to do about it? How can we make ourselves more engaged in hearing other’s opinions and views as we engage in a discussion? Here are my top tips!

1. FOCUS: First and foremost, focus on what the person is saying!!!! This sounds obvious but it is our biggest failing. As outlined last week, we multi-task, we let our mind drift elsewhere, we get distracted by the distractions in our surroundings. We need to do our best to prevent these things from happening, but re-iterating the words I shared last week from Celeste Headlee:

There is no reason to learn how to show you’re paying attention if you are in fact paying attention.

So forget the tools and techniques and just set yourself up by success by avoiding multi-tasking, taking yourself away from distractions (like your mobile phone for a start!) and enter the conversation as if it is the only thing that matters.

2. BE CONSCIOUS WHEN YOU ARE DRIFTING: When I am doing yoga sessions, I am supposed to concentrate on my breathing, but you can guarantee that at some point, I will start thinking about what I am going to do afterwards. The instructors encourage me to congratulate myself for realising and re-focus on the breathing, and the same applies to listening. However, good our intention at the start, we will lose focus at some point in the discussion. None of us are perfect! So when you do, just catch yourself and zone back into the discussion. And if you know you have missed something, be grown up and honest, and apologise and ask them to repeat what they said. Your ego may be afraid to admit it wasn’t paying attention, but if you are truly engaged in the discussion, your understanding of what they have said is more important than your self-importance!

3.?DON’T GET DISTRACTED WHEN YOU THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY: When we are listening, then at some point, we will hear something that triggers a thought in our head. It may be an anecdote that supports what the person just said or a violent urge to disagree with some nonsense that we have heard, and it’s a good thing, because it is a sign we are listening! Suppose the thought is amazing – some great wisdom or humour that we are dying to share. So what do we do? Well… we are too polite to interrupt so we bite our tongue, but are we still listening? No! We are completely focused on the nugget of genius that we want to unleash and any focus on the speaker has been completely derailed. Moreover, by the time we make our point, the context may have been lost and the moment has passed. So what should we do? Once again, it is time to follow the wonderful advice of Celeste Headlee, who said:

Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind.

This is hard! When we think of something that we think is brilliant (and we normally think this is the case with our ideas!), then the temptation to share it is strong. But if we share it or focus on it, then we are not listening. So do your best to let it go and say what feels relevant when it is your time to talk, and not what you thought of when it was your time to listen.

4.?BEWARE ASSUMPTIONS: I will devote a full article to the hazard of assumptions, at some appoint as they are a hideous barrier to listening. We all make them. I’ve asked when somebody’s baby was due, to find out they were not pregnant. I’ve congratulated somebody on their wedding after they changed their name, only to discover they’d gone through a painful divorce. I’ve asked someone if they hurt themselves at the weekend, only to find out they’ve got an artificial foot. We all do this, unfortunately, and although it can be hugely embarrassing when we publicly get something wrong, this is the good side of the situation, as we get the chance to clarify our error. More often than not, when we’re making such assumptions, we think we know “the facts” and we don’t even seek to clarify the situation. If we know the answer, why would we bother asking? Don’t beat yourself up for making assumptions, just be conscious of it and try to overcome it by always asking that extra question to get the real truth rather than your version of it!

5.?ASK QUESTIONS and ENCOURAGE THEM TO KEEP TALKING: Overcoming our assumptions and unconscious biases is one reason to ask questions, but it is not the only reason. Asking questions and encouraging others to talk helps us to get to the truth. I remember once getting on a train and seeing a young girl sitting close to a couple of drunk guys and looking a bit uncomfortable. I went to sit nearby, just to make sure she would be fine. In fact, the guys left after a couple of stops, and we ended up chatting and somehow the conversation strayed on to the fact that I was gay. She made the bizarre comment that “they don’t have gays in Korea”, reflecting her complete lack of awareness. But whilst I could dwell on this comment, what followed was a genuine desire to try and understand. She started trying to comprehend how it was possible that I would be completely unmoved if a supermodel walked onto the train - that question had to be asked three or four times, before she accepted the answer! But she then just asked question after question after question. From her zero base, she probably left the train 30 minutes later with a better knowledge of homosexuality than most straight people, because she just took the opportunity to ask. It was extremely refreshing to be on the receiving end of questions from someone who really wanted to know and understand, but also quite inspiring as to how we all should approach people or concepts we do not understand.

How many of us would be prepared to do the same? How many white, able-bodied, straight people would be prepared to ask someone how does it feel to be black or disabled or gay? I think we would all agree that the number would be incredibly low. Just like the age-old guidance about avoiding conversations on religion, politics or money, we tend to avoid any potential for awkward conversations by sticking to safer ground. But we are all worse off for doing this. We must be honest enough to admit our ignorance and ask questions to encourage others to talk until we have truly got to the truth. ?

So those are my tips for listening. We should think of these as we start our conversations, but that is not enough. Particularly with people who think very differently to us, it is very easy to lose our way as the discussion unravels and our differences are exposed. We need to keep reminding ourselves as we're listening and if we are ever in doubt, then it is time to follow the advice of the wonderful Celeste Headlee who said the key to her success was:

I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can. I keep my mind open. And I’m always prepared to be amazed.

James Wyatt, CFO at Our Future Health and Author of The Art of Discussion