The Not So Heroic Father: Part 1

Unraveling fatherhood myself has been both amazing and a bit harrowing. A stepdad before a biological dad; I jumped in the deep end and flailed. Weirdly, it seems my proficiency drops as my kids get older. A divorce, a busy career, varied mis-steps and too much emotional opacity. Some days it seems like I am destined for Not-So-Heroic status. And then, I am reminded it is not all bad news; my son calls for advice on a hard question or shares an insight. Hope springs!??

Growing up my dad was not heroic. Or at least I never thought of him in that way. He was busy; working, meeting, running errands. He wasn’t perfect.? The angry, tired man yelling at me for breaking a lamp, undoing a belt he never used. The frustrated, late-to-work man blaring the car horn in front of our house yelling for my mom to “Get in the car!”?But more than that I remember glimpses of great “dadness” shining through. Digging worms in the shade on a hot summer day. Him singing at the top of his lungs driving me across town.?

It wasn’t perfect but it was good enough.

Turns out he ended up a central character in my life. Probably the most profound relationship in my experience to date. When was the moment he passed to the heroic? How did he and I arrive in a relationship that was deep and meaningful? Did little things add up? Was he aiming at being heroic? Was he systematically following a plan? Did it just unfold? And, of greatest importance to me now, how do I get there with my own children?

I am suspicious that most of us are just chasing ghosts of our own childhood; living out the patterns imprinted early and reinforced often. And, given that life is what happens while we are busy making plans it seems like a few minutes for reflection on the topic might not be a bad idea.??

I am also suspicious there are not a few other dads who might share my same standing; struggling to be, but not sure they are, the kind of dad that has deep and meaningful relationships with their children. I have no firm answers and sure don't have this fatherhood thing nailed down. I do have a few observations I hope to share out over my next couple posts. I hope you will read along.?