So Have I Vinita'ed you Yet?

Someone once said to me, ‘When people meet you, they often get Vinita’ed.’

It was the first time I'd heard the word. I just smiled.

'How d'you mean,' I asked.

'You've got aura and you leave an impact, even without speaking. You should try and be like Lisa (name changed) who’ll simply fade in the background. Perhaps you could take some tips from her.’

I came away feeling confused.

That's what feedback can sometimes do to you. Which brings me on to the core point for this write up. Receiving Constructive Feedback.

How to Receive Constructive Feedback?

Feedback is a gift and will always be.

Yet, sometimes it can be conflicting, confusing or even so contradictory to your raison d'etre that taking on board the feedback would require a full personality overhaul.

I was really in no mood to dim my aura just to please a person.

Yet, in many situations, the slightest hint of reluctance to accept feedback, no matter how bizarre it is, can go down on your annual review like a death warrant.

..the slightest hint of reluctance to accept feedback can go down on your annual review like a death warrant.

There's a good chance that it'll be keyed into some annual plan with utmost diligence and you'll spend the next six to 12 months gathering evidence just to demonstrate how you've changed.

And good luck if your manager too changes about three to four times over the course of the year because then you're also going to have to explain who wrote that and what they were thinking.

Imagine me explaining, 'I was asked to dim my aura and fade in the background and here's how I did it. I know that my efforts have been successful because by now, people don't even realise that I exist.'

Jokes apart, how do you handle awkward feedback?

D'you just sit there and get as customised as people would like you to be?

A coffee comes to mind. Some might prefer you to be bitter while others want caramel syrup with cream on top! So then, will you continually alter yourself?

Some might prefer you to be bitter while others want caramel syrup with cream on top!

I doubt that would work too because even if you live for self improvement, or are an absolute people pleaser, chances are that if you act on every single piece of feedback ever received, you'll end up inconsistent, confused and totally lacking in confidence.

Above all, there'll come a point when you'll be saying to yourself, 'I'm so many thing to so many people but who really am I?' You know all those little doubts about self-worth and all that? Yes those. We don't need them.

...if you act on every single piece of feedback ever given to you, you'll end up inconsistent, confused and totally lacking in confidence.

So be smart and take charge. Choose which feedback to act upon and what to do with it.

Now that's an art and here below are some tips that might help.

Listen Carefully

Just the fact that someone is taking time to tell you how you can improve, means that you ought to listen.

Feedback is data rich. Do yourself a favour and take in the data.

If it won't tell you anything new about yourself, it'll tell you how well you're blending with the system or the organisation's value system. That's very valuable information.

Feedback is data rich. Do yourself a favour and take in the data. If it won't tell you anything new about yourself, it'll tell you how well you're blending with the system or the organisation's value system. That's very valuable information.

I suggest listen to everything that is being said and also, what is not being said.

This is because many people struggle with giving feedback and there's a very good chance that the provider is more nervous than you are.

It's Okay to Ask for Details

It you feel like you need more details, then ask. It's perfectly okay to probe.

For example, if someone says to you that you didn't handle the meeting too well, you could request for ideas on how you could improve next time.

There's No Need to Commit to Action, Thank You is Enough

All too often, we feel pressured that we'll have to commit to some sort of action and that gets us in a defensive mode. I've seen people launch into debates of sorts.

There's no need. It's your life and your prerogative. Own it.

It's your life and your prerogative. Own it.

You have the rest of your life to decide whether or not you wish to act upon the feedback, what's the rush. If not your entire life, you can request a few days at the very least.

It's perfectly reasonable to say, 'thank you for your feedback. I really appreciate your time. I'll take it away to reflect upon it and come back to you with a plan.'

Analyse the Feedback

Give it at least a few sleeps, let it mature in your mind. Then, when you're calm and centred, reflect upon the feedback.

Think of things such as:

• Context: The context of the feedback
• Circumstances: The circumstances at the time
• Coherence: The coherence of the feedback with all other nuggets of information available to you

You may well come away deciding that change is needed. Perhaps you need to change yourself, or maybe trigger a change in mindsets, the system or the process.

Constructive feedback does not always mean you need to change, it only means that something needs to change. Find that something.

Find that something.

Then, Act. Or Decide Not To.

Once you've made sense of it all, decide what you'll be doing next, if anything.

Always store the feedback away for future reference. Like I said, feedback is rich in data and over time, you're bound to see trends and patterns.

Here's an example of a pattern.

One of my bosses once said to me that I can analyse a situation within an inch of its life. In that situation, he wanted me not to think and do as told. I did.

Over time, I've been told repeatedly, often by my readers, that my triangulation is powerful and that I explain things very clearly. (Thank you!)

Now when I put all these bits together, I have that saved in my memory as a strength that I can dial up and down as and when needed.

For example, I can go several meetings without speaking a word because my role there may be to listen and do as told. So I'm chilled.

But then, when writing a piece such as this, I dial up the thinking to its max because anything less would be a disservice to your time.

So take time to understand your skill set, and like spices in a kitchen cupboard, put them to sensible use.

So take time to understand your skill set, and like spices in a kitchen cupboard, put them to sensible use.

Conclusion

Feedback is a gift. Yet every so often, it can be a little confusing and even conflicting. Some feedback might ask too much of you.

Remember, it's your life and you need to take accountability.

Your aim should be to use every bit of information and see how that can help you become the best version of you. There's no need to be someone else.

On a final note, please do let me know if you've been Vinita'ed yet :)

Have a fantastic day!