So This is 45 - Boundaries

I recently had the great pleasure of turning 45. Do I feel the need to hide my age and hope people think I am maybe five years younger? Not remotely. It’s amazing being 45. ?My career is firmly-established, the kids have finally figured out the dishwasher and the hoover and the brilliant thing about the declining eyesight is I cannot make out my fine lines in the mirror, so it’s all looking pretty positive. Being in your mid-40s gives you a taste of freedom again, with your foundations firmly established. You know who you are and what you stand for; you know your boundaries.

In that positive spirit, I have to confess I have a long and deeply held love for January. It’s a great time for pause and self-reflection. Not so much focussing on “resolutions” (though admittedly I have been on the peloton much more than usual, though sadly still languishing around the 65 percentile), but about focussing on what is important to you, why and what you need to do to protect it. ????

Presently, my focus is on maintaining my “boundaries” i.e. what rules I put in place that are important to me and protect my way of life, health and happiness. In work and life, I find my boundaries are being constantly tested. Each of us have boundaries in our life and they have an important function. Some of mine can range from the seemingly trivial ones such as “clients are not permitted to contact me on WhatsApp or text message” to more obvious ones in life such as “I will make exercise a priority four times a week” or “I will not tolerate anyone shouting at me.” The former is intended to give me privacy, the right to switch off and ensure communications are kept professional and recorded in line with regulatory requirements. I get asked about this a lot. The latter are more obvious.

Sometimes, people will test your boundaries and reach your limits. But if they reach your limit and persist in pushing your boundaries, you have to decide how to respond. Ultimately, if you allow the behaviour to continue, it will. It’s a bit like when everyone said there would be riots if petrol pushed past ￡1 a litre in around 2007. Once it went past ￡1 and not a lot happened, the price kept rising swiftly. In a work context, it can of course be harder to have that conversation, but if you don't deal with issues at the outset, they can build.

I regularly see boundaries being pushed in client work: employees being asked to work twice as hard in order to achieve impossible targets, being driven to exhaustion; employees refusing to work their basic contracted hours because their personal lives have become so substantial they can no longer fit all their work in; junior women being sexually assaulted by more senior males; serious insubordination with management (shouting/swearing). ?Ultimately, when we are dealing with people who are breaching our boundaries, or acceptable boundaries at work, a conversation needs to take place. It can be relatively simple to set out your boundaries. What is harder, is how to react when your boundaries are breached despite having communicated them.

From my own perspective, my key tips are as follows:

1.??????? Identify your own boundaries. ?Be clear on what they are, why they are important to you and what you have to do to protect them. For me, this is about carving out time for the things I want to achieve. If I do not set boundaries, everyone else’s needs will eventually take priority above my own. Women are particularly bad at prioritising their own needs. When I am not lawyering or being a great mum to the two best kids in the world, I am training to be a dancer or at a dance event. I need dance in my life to help keep me balanced, fit, and happy. It would be easy to allow work and life to take over, but I have made it a priority. I am committed to going at least once a week and to go to new places to get better and better. Think “Baby” and the “Watermelon Scene” but with sequins and not a stripy t-shirt in sight. ?It’s daunting, but amazing.

2.??????? Take time for yourself to reflect, be positive and grow. It can help give you a good perspective on life and take the focus away from negative energy. It can be tough fitting everything in as a working mum, so I try to develop a good routine that includes activities that are important to me. For me, this involves listening to great podcasts whilst driving and getting ready (love Diary of a CEO – check out “This is an Emergency! The Number of Men Having No Sex Increased to 180%!”), learning a new language for five minutes a day (Spanish – currently on day 413 on Duolingo!), reading positive, inspiring and funny quotes on Instagram and listening to a book on audible. My favourite books at the moment are “Sensitive” and “Lessons in Chemistry”.

3.??????? Testing your boundaries. If someone reaches your boundary, be clear to them that they have done so. Think about what this breach means and what you should do next. If it is something you cannot accept, communicate this in a clear, calm, firm manner. Explain why your boundary is important to you, if you need to. I always aim for a “dignified” approach. It doesn’t always work. I’m still a work in progress. ?

4.??????? Recognise you may need new boundaries. In order to focus on the core things that are important to you, sometimes you have to give something – or someone up. Probably the biggest waste of time for most of us is endless scrolling and social media. I made the call some time ago to delete a lot of connections on social media (sorry if that was you, your lunches did look amazing, really they did). I wanted to focus more on the people who I am closest to, so Facebook is now for close friends and family and Instagram is to follow dancers and get inspiring quotes. Gone are old acquaintances and people I should not be keeping in touch with for a variety of reasons. You are the product of the people you spend time with. Carve back your life and your time. Focus on what’s important. It’s cathartic. Life isn’t about numbers of likes and followers. It’s the quality of your relationships.

5.??????? Respect other people’s boundaries. As important as your own boundaries are, so are other people’s. For example, if your colleague asks you not to contact them at a specific time, or to send them emails at the weekend, try to work around that. If someone you love asks you not to do something they find hurtful, really do try not to do it. Being a good person who treats others with dignity and respect doesn't mean being nice to certain people, or only at certain times. ???

Above all, ask yourself if you are living your life in a positive, wholesome way, with healthy boundaries of your own and respecting those of others.