Snarky Answers to Stupid Job Interview Questions

I've been working in the business world since God was a preschooler and watching it devolve during that time. We seem to get stupider and stupider in the business world.

I cannot believe the stories I hear from our clients about the way they are treated in job interviews, for instance.

What is wrong with people who choose to insult and browbeat job-seekers, the very same people you're trying to recruit to join your team?

There is a lot of fear around -- that is part of the problem. People get cranky and fearful and they take out their frustrations on the people around them.

Who is the greatest target of all for a frustrated and fearful working person's aggression?

It's a job-seeker! Job-seekers make great pincushions for a cranky interviewer's stress-needles, because the job-seeker can't fight back. When you insult and degrade a job-seeker, he or she can't tell you to pound sand -- not without walking away from the job opportunity.

The good news is that more and more job-seekers are saying "No thanks" to recruiters and hiring managers when they can tell they're about to be abused, or after the abuse begins.

There are many ways to abuse job-seekers, starting with the insults that come flying through the typical job ad.

"The Selected Candidate will have twenty years of experience with Facebook advertising," a typically goofy job ad might read. Notice the use of the third person: "The Selected Candidate" isn't you.

Hell, no! I'm not even talking to you. If you happen to see this job ad, that was an accident. Just ignore it --- you're not the Selected Candidate, trust me!

There's no reason to write job ads that way! It's insane, so why do we see that kind of job ad everywhere we look? That's bad marketing!

Why don't employers address their audiences directly the way rational marketers do?

Job-seekers may be in for more abuse when they get to the job interview. That's when the idiotic and insulting questions begin. Here's what we teach our recruiter, HR and hiring manager clients at Human Workplace:

"Don't ask a job-seeker any question you aren't ready to answer yourself, and if you bristle and get offended that the job-seeker would ask you a certain question, then don't ask him or her that question either!"

Right away, some of the typical job interview questions fall right out of the picture when we apply this reasonable human standard: questions like "What's your greatest weakness?" and "With all the talented candidates, why should we hire you?"

It's time for these brainless questions to bite the dust.

The only sensible and professional relationship between an interviewer -- a recruiter, HR person or hiring manager -- and a job seeker is a relationship of equals. Each person came to this interview to learn something -- that's all. No one has to grovel.

No one has to beg. If the interview requires a job-seeker to beg for the job, then only people will low self-esteem will be hired. You will have a pen full of sheep, and fear will reign. If that works for your organization and its customers, God bless you.

If you're a job-seeker, here are answers you can use when you hear the three most traditional stupid questions on a job interview. After each question you'll see two answers.

The first answer is snarky. This snarky answer might be the one you'd really like to give, but you probably want to use the second answer instead. If if you're going to be snarky in the interview, you may as well get up and leave the building!

You should try doing that some time, by the way. It feels great to leave a bad job interview halfway through. You won't get the job, but you'll grow your mojo that day! When you go on an interview and it's a mess, when they leave you sitting for hours, or when they don't know what the job opening is, just get up and go.

Why should you stay? Your time is valuable.

Snarky Answers To Stupid Interview Questions

With all the talented candidates we are meeting, why should we hire you?

Answer One: You don't know how to make a hiring decision? I can help you with that for my usual consulting rate. What other parts of your job do you want me to perform while I'm here?

Answer Two: Great question! I couldn't honestly say that you should hire me. There might be someone better suited to the job -- after all, you will meet or have already met the other candidates for the job, and I haven't met them. I'm confident that if you and I are meant to work together, both of us will know it.

If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

Answer One: Some kind of deadly virus, so I could infect your competitors.

Answer Two: I'll share my favorite animal if you will! You will? Okay! My favorite animal is the coyote, because they can adapt to any environment. Your turn!

What's your greatest weakness?

Answer One Script

You: I'm too honest.

Interviewer: Too honest? I don't think that's a weakness.

You: Who gives a #$&% what you think?

Answer Two: My greatest weakness? I used to think I had a lot of weaknesses - things that I really should do better than I can do them now. As I matured I realized that there's no benefit to believing that I have weaknesses.

I need to focus on my strengths rather than worrying about things I don't love to do and will never be great at. So, I try to focus on getting better at things I'm passionate about, like financial modeling.

What about you?

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