The Skills of Subtle Influence: How to Help Coworkers Change Without Confrontation

Have you ever wanted to help your coworkers improve their performance or behavior, but didn't want to come across as confrontational or bossy? If so, you might be interested in learning the skills of subtle influence.

Subtle influence is the art of guiding others to make positive changes without being direct or forceful. It involves using techniques such as framing, storytelling, questioning, listening, and feedback to create a supportive and collaborative environment where people feel motivated to grow and learn.

Subtle influence can help you achieve your goals and build trust and rapport with your coworkers, without damaging your relationships or creating resentment. It can also help you avoid conflicts and misunderstandings that can arise from more aggressive or passive approaches.

In this post, I will share some tips on how to use subtle influence in your workplace, based on my experience as a consultant. Here are some examples of situations where subtle influence can be useful:

• You want to help a coworker who is struggling with a task or project, but you don't want to seem like you are micromanaging or criticizing them.
• You want to persuade a coworker to adopt a new idea or method, but you don't want to appear arrogant or dismissive of their opinions.
• You want to encourage a coworker to develop a new skill or habit, but you don't want to make them feel inadequate or pressured.

In these situations, subtle influence can help you create a win-win scenario, where both you and your coworker benefit from the change. Here are some steps you can follow to apply subtle influence effectively:

1. Identify the desired outcome. What is the change you want to see in your coworker? How will it benefit them and the team? Be clear and specific about what you want to achieve and why.
2. Understand the current situation. What is preventing your coworker from making the change? What are their beliefs, values, emotions, and motivations? How do they perceive the situation and themselves? Try to empathize with their perspective and avoid judging or blaming them.
3. Choose the appropriate technique. Depending on the situation and your relationship with your coworker, you can use different techniques of subtle influence to guide them towards the change. Some of the most common techniques are:

• Framing: This involves presenting the change in a positive and appealing way that aligns with your coworker's goals and values. For example, instead of saying "You need to improve your presentation skills", you can say "Improving your presentation skills will help you showcase your expertise and impress your clients".
• Storytelling: This involves sharing a relevant and inspiring story that illustrates the benefits of the change or the drawbacks of not changing. For example, instead of saying "You should use this new software", you can say "I heard about this company that used this new software and increased their productivity by 50%".
• Questioning: This involves asking open-ended and probing questions that help your coworker discover the reasons and benefits of the change for themselves. For example, instead of saying "You should work on this project", you can say "What are some of the benefits of working on this project?" or "How do you think working on this project will help you grow as a professional?".
• Listening: This involves listening actively and attentively to your coworker's thoughts and feelings, without interrupting or imposing your views. This shows that you respect and care about them and creates a safe space for them to express themselves. For example, instead of saying "You are wrong", you can say "Tell me more about why you think that way".

• Feedback: This involves giving constructive and positive feedback that reinforces the desired behavior and encourages improvement. For example, instead of saying "You did a bad job", you can say "You did a good job on this aspect, and here are some suggestions on how you can do even better on this other aspect".

• Follow up and support. After using subtle influence, it is important to follow up with your coworker and provide ongoing support and encouragement. This shows that you are genuinely interested in their success and well-being and helps them sustain the change. For example, you can say "How are things going with the project?" or "I'm here if you need any help or advice".

Subtle influence is a powerful skill that can help you create positive changes in your workplace, without compromising your relationships or integrity. It requires practice and patience, but it can yield great results in the long run.

If you’d like to go deeper into behind these interventions, here are a few resources:

• The Invitation to Change Approach—a book on CRAFT written by practitioners at a leading addiction clinic in New York City
• Coaching Athletes to Be Their Best—a book that adapts one of the theories behind CRAFT to performance coaching with athletes, which may be useful in translating these principles to the corporate world