A six-word education for a lifetime

In 2019, I'm blogging about 12 of the best lessons I've learned, many of them the hard way. This is the sixth of the series.

One night this summer, I sat in a sweat lodge in baking, pitch-black darkness and listened to eight strangers share moments when they encountered wisdom that they've held close over the courses of their lives. (Yes, it was a different kind of vacation.) Some lessons were from childhood. Others from long after. Nearly all came from pain. As Elvin Semrad has said, "Sorrow is the vitamin of growth." We learn when we lose someone or something that mattered deeply, or when we fail.

This was a ceremony near Santa Fe, where a curandera (a native healer) shared thoughts on the four seasons of life and asked for our own. One woman who sat somewhere in the gloom to my right told the story of her mother's demise. As her mother lay dying, she'd told her that she was thoroughly at peace. "I've taught you everything I know," her mother had declared. Her work was done. The dying woman had been a teacher, and she said the wisest lessons were in the six words she shared in every classroom: Be kind. Work hard. Follow directions.

Be kind. Work hard. Follow directions. I couldn't stop thinking about these six words in the days that followed. At first, they sounded like simple instructions. But I know all too well they are not so easy, and when I reflect on them, I realize they hold a lifetime of wisdom.

If sorrow is the vitamin of growth, those six words are much of the nutritional contents.

Be kind. This is not a matter of acquiescence or politeness or passive aggressive niceness, but rather the type of kindness that is rooted in empathy. Brené Brown describes empathy as the thread that connects us to others. It demands of us that we grasp someone else's feelings and communicate to the other that we understand. True kindness challenges us to listen with curiosity over judgement and to act with empathy over ego. It binds us in humanity and ensures we are never alone.

Sadly, the world seems to be running short in our supply of kindness - a peek at social media or inside many workplaces indicates a scarcity - so this is clearly a lesson we're still learning. It's a higher order calling to be wholehearted in our inclusivity. I am forever in the act of practicing myself, which brings me to the idea of trying hard...

Try hard. This is another lesson far deeper than it seems. It implores us to embrace a growth mindset if we want to do things that matter. Anything worth doing requires real effort. Progress is hard work. Our abilities aren't fixed if our dedication is boundless.

Well, that's obvious, you're probably thinking. And it is. Less apparent are the insidious forces that get in the way of that kind of persistent effort. Just this week, I listened to an interview on Hidden Brain with Cal Newport, a computer scientist and author of Deep Work: Rules for Focused Success in a Distracted World, on how difficult it has become to do "deep work." This is the kind of uninterrupted thinking required for doing the most challenging kind of work. Deep work involves trying hard without distraction for long stretches, whether it be to solve a challenging technical problem or in my case to write a blog post. This post took three times as long to write as it should, because I did not commit my full attention till the third try. I believe that in our busy worlds, the real challenge is to try harder at trying hard.

Follow directions. These are my favorite of the late teacher's words, because I believe they mean different things over the course of our lives, and the lesson gets harder and harder. At a young age, following directions is simple enough. Don't touch the hot stove. Look both ways before crossing the street. Finish your homework. And so on.

But as we age, we come to discover an internal compass with its own instructions. It's the whisper in our ear that perhaps we should try something new or the yearning to overcome our fear and be bolder in the work we do. Or maybe it's a signal we've lost our true north and must retrace our steps to find our way to what matters most. I believe that over a lifetime, following directions comes to mean the act of listening to ourselves. And then having the courage to trust in that voice.

All these lessons are about courage, in the end. It takes courage to be kind, because empathy makes us vulnerable. It is a brave act to try hard, because we're committing ourselves to what is sure to be a struggle, fraught with its failures. Above all, it is truly daring to follow the direction of our hearts.

Like all wisdom, this six-word education is hard won. And entirely worth the sweat equity, as well as the unique pain and joy of growing up.