6 Skills to Make You a Pro at ENGAGING

Here are the skills that the pros use to engage others. Try each one each week and see how it goes for you and those you engage.?

1. Attend

In the day of the device have you ever been speaking with someone, and as they “listen” they are all the while watching their phone? Or face to face and you are the only one facing a face that is looking everywhere but at you? Or they are behind their desk reviewing emails while you wonder just how much is getting across? (One technique by the way is to stop talking…it will take a few long awkward moments for them to realize, and when they look up you have a few options: “Maybe this isn’t’ a good time.” Or “Better if we talk at another time?”) One of my clients told me that his approach was, “I do better at this when you are looking right at me. OK with you? Or we can do this at another time when you have more time?” (He is a bit direct, but it works for him.) Like intermittent fasting, intermittent silence can have an interesting effect!

Attending is not as easy as it sounds and it is becoming a bit rarer these days in some circles, especially as some of us venture back to F2F. It requires attention and intention in reverse order…intention first. With the skill of self-awareness perhaps even before the other two skills. Attending is not for the multi-tasker: it is a singular grace we give the other as they speak to us. We intend to look like we are listening and then we really do listen with attention.

Away from the politics of things, when I met Bill Clinton in the White House, I was certain that for our brief handshake I was the only person in his world. Then I realized the same thing happened with Mark Huffman at Northwestern in Chicago,?Anita Halvorsen, FACHE?at ACHE, and?John Botsko, Jr.?at BrightStar Care. They attended!

So, this week... pay attention to when you are paying attention.

2. Paraphrase

This skill can be the most difficult when properly used. Some mirror or parrot repeating exactly what the other said; some wait until the entire story is over before paraphrasing; others choose the famous “uhuh” “oh” or “wow” response or even a few well-timed grunts. Paraphrasing as a skill does none of these. It does engage early and often with the speaker cutting to the core of the message, not to the entire detailed contents of the message. Some see paraphrasing “early and often” as interrupting. Think of it as engaging instead. What works well with this more skilled approach of paraphrasing is the result; the speaker feels understood, the listener communicates understanding. Mirroring and parroting (saying exactly what was said) is often met with a kind of “I just said that!” response from the other. Effective skill-based paraphrasing on the other hand helps the speaker go deeper with more insight and perhaps with more to say than they intended. And make sure you paraphrase without questions. This can be difficult but remember questions are about us, paraphrasing is about them.

So, this week… paraphrase everywhere with everyone (can be dangerous at home by the way in these early stages especially if they read my posts!) and rigorously avoid questions.

3. Empathize

Sad, mad, glad, scared, hurt, tender, excited are seven commonly felt feelings. There are of course many other feeling words often nuances of the seven: devastated, scorned, furious, happy, joyous, etc. Lots and lots of nuances! When we listen with good skill-based paraphrasing and at the same time we pick up an emotional charge to the conversation, you are ready to empathize.

“You felt (try any one of the seven that feels right to you) because ____.” This formula is a way to convey you heard the emotion. Phrasing it as a statement instead of a question can feel risky but the payoff is so much better for the other person. Questions when we paraphrase or empathize confront the speaker with a choice to have to think and respond to our stuff?instead of feeling understood about their stuff. It is as if we are on an expressway together; the question is an exit ramp you want to take, not one that the speaker necessarily wants to take. It distracts from their message. They want to talk; don’t make them think too!

So, this week... “You felt (try any one of the seven that feels right to you) because ____.” Give it a try and be ready to be wrong or slightly ‘off’ and then do what the pros do…paraphrase again!

4. Disclose

Have you ever planned out how to effectively disclose to someone or to the many someones? In the book, The Sparrow, the author mentions that those who go on and on and on should belong to the support group On And On Anon! Those who are intentional about disclosing seem to do more than begin talking. Instead the skill they are using helps them first identify within themselves how they feel, what thoughts are important, and what meaning they want to convey. They are also congruent with the message and their nonverbals. Smiling when I’m talking about a tragedy, flat faced speaking of an exciting moment, etc. are all ways that show we are not intentionally communicating what we know. Of course this happens in a moment, at a moment’s notice sometimes, but the internal decision to reflect and then respond is so much more useful than responding/reacting before we reflect.

So, this week... notice when you are intentional in your response based on your own reflective moment…and then see what happens.

5. Encourage

This is the skill that Alfred Adler said cannot be overdone. It is different than praise (“You are a smart kid!”) and instead seeks to point out what has happened from your understanding (“Your effort every night prior to the exam really paid off. I was impressed with how consistent you were.”) Praise is a kind of personal judgment about how someone looks, their hair, clothing, their speech, or project. It is often easy to say, captured in a few generic words. Encouragement on the other hand requires more thought on our part as to what we liked, learned, or appreciated about the other person. This is the stuff that belongs at our earliest effective parent conferences and to our annual corporate performance appraisals. When done well we not only know what we did but we get an insight into how we did it, its impact, its staying power.

I encourage my physician clients to end every clinical encounter with a final 12 second message to each patient, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Nobody will refuse that request!

So, this week... You don’t have to be a doctor to say, “Can I tell you something I noticed about you today that impressed me?” Try it out on flight attendants and wait staff…nobody ever says it to them and if you feel you messed up, hey, you will never see them again! Messing up is an option but rarely a reality. Remember it is about what you “liked, learned, or appreciated.”

6. Confront a strength

Did you ever notice a strength, (some call it a superpower!) in a colleague or friend and it is perhaps so subtle that they seem unaware of it?

One physician I know seems to always make the other person #1 when speaking with them but seems completely unaware she’s doing it. That’s a superpower. Another knows she is a good mom but has a real knack for individualizing each of her four children allowing each to grow at their rate not the rate of the eldest one. That’s a superpower. Or perhaps it is a dental hygienist who educates as she cleans not only saying what she is doing but why it is important. That’s a superpower.

The reason we call it ‘confront’ is the literal meaning of the term…”to put in front of.” This is an opportunity to speak to the other about their attention to detail, their kindness in the face of evil, their ability to engage with others, to develop others with patience, to understand another person. As Alfred Adler noted, “To truly understand another person we must see with their eyes, hear with their ears, to feel with their heart.”

What I’ve found interesting about this skill is that what is often readily obvious to us is not always seen by the other. They are blissfully unaware. And when you mention it to them, they even take a moment to try to take it all in. Often, I get a response such as, “Huh, I hadn’t noticed that.” Or “Well thanks, yes, I see that now.”

So, this week….confront with a strength!

Did you learn something new? Do you have anything to add? Please do leave a comment below.

Take a look at the Wise Words section of my website -?www.kevinoc.com/wise-words?- for more tip topics, including:

• Master the art of engagement
• Be a fearless facilitator
• Enhance your presence
• Present like a pro

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