The Six Most Powerful Things You Can Do When You Meet Someone New

by Charles Lankester, EVP, Global Reputation & Risk Management, Ruder Finn

Having observed thousands of meetings and first encounters, it amazes me how many people fail to make a positive connection when they meet someone new. From a business pitch to a first date, the same, basic rules apply.

To try and codify some of what I have researched, read, observed and learned, I developed and delivered a one-hour Non-Verbal Communications workshop for our Hong Kong and Singapore teams last week.

Title: "How to Make an Impact Without Saying a Word".

Participant feedback was off the chart (positively) – and these are groups who don’t pull their punches. I looked back at the presentations and isolated (in my opinion) the six most powerful things you can do when you meet someone new. These apply equally to business and social environments.

Some will sound strange. Some will sound obvious. But, even if you think “I know that”, few of us regularly put them into practice.

So try them out. They work. They’ll make a big difference. For you.

1. Smile

Who knew? An extremely powerful device when you first meet someone. Don’t hit them with a tight, cold grimace, but let a warm, genuine smile wash all over your face and slowly travel up to your eye level. A real smile releases endorphins for you and also the other party if they smile back, which in 99% of the cases they will. So smiling is a win:win. Try this experiment. The next time you are in a lift or walking through the office, try smiling at the first person you meet. You will be amazed at the warm smile you will receieve in return. To add further impact, raise (“flash”) your eyebrows for a fraction of a second and tilt your head. This powerful triple-play combination will instantly make your next first contact far more positive.

2. Feet

One of the most expressive parts of the human body. Yes, really. When meeting someone new, always check their foot language. If their feet are lined up toward you, like railway tracks, you are well connected. That’s good. If you, or the other party, have feet at 45 degrees, or three o'clock, that means you are 50 per cent checked out of the conversation. You, or they, are unconciously trying to step away from the interaction. Worst of all, if both feet are pointing away, then you (or they) are 100% checked out. Also sneak a peek at their feet under the table if you can. People stay composed from the waist up. But if they become stressed or excited, their feet often go crazy. The foot owner (usually) has no idea they are doing this. But it can tell you a huge amount.

3.      You

The most powerful word in the English language. When meeting someone for the first time, make it all about them.

Did you have a good weekend? How was your day? Did you have a good vacation?

By putting the other party first, they will correctly perceive that you are more interested in them than you. It gives them permission to talk about their favourite subject: themselves. It will also have the invaluable benefit of putting your inner “me” into a box. I once spent an hour listening to person talk about themselves at dinner. At the end of the evening she gave rave reviews to our host. “Charles is such a great conversationalist and a delightful person” it was reported back to me. The funny part? I hadn’t said anything other than ask my neighbour open-ended questions about herself. The same applies with someone’s name. Remember their name. Weave it into your first conversational encounter – subtly please – and you will make a highly positive impression. People love the sound of their own name.

4.      Empathise

It’s fair to say most of us want something from other people some (or most) of the time. A new contract. A better table. A better seat. A better rate. A date. What’s the best way to get them? Start by not asking for them. Begin with empathy.

“It looks like you are really busy?” "It sounds like you had a good day!" “It seems like that customer was quite upset?” “I don’t know how you can remember all those orders!”

By not charging in with the “ask”, and by showing a bit of humanity and interest, the other party will notice and remember. It establishes the optimum environment for actually making a request when the time is right.

5.      Mirror

This will sound and feel weird, but bear with me. If you want to make the other party very comfortable with you, be their mirror. Again be subtle, but if they lean on one elbow, do the same. If they lean forward, you lean forward. If they lean back and cross their arms, do the same. The same works for words. Mirroring two or three words the other party says can have a profoundly positive impact.

“We had a great offsite meeting in Edinburgh.” “An offsite in Edinburgh?”

It sounds clumsy and obvious, but the other party won’t have a clue you are doing it. They will just build on your mirrored response and volunteer a whole lot of new information. They will have no idea why, but they’ll also feel very comfortable with you. By way of solid evidence for the mirroring theory, do you know how restaurant staff can maximise their tips? Just by repeating the customer’s order. “I’ll have the lasagna.” “So the lasagna for you miss?” Tips at the end of the evening? On average, higher. Every time. Thanks to the mirror effect.

6.      Elicit

Most of us don’t like being interrogated. But we will willingly give up information if asked in the right way. So elicit, don’t ask.

Stop asking directional questions like “where do you work?” Instead ask more non-directional questions such as, “what keeps you busy?” or “how do you spend your time?”

Another powerful technique is to volunteer your own information first. In almost every case the other party will reciprocate without being asked. Why? Because we all know what our favourite subject is! Ourselves. Give most people centre stage to talk about themselves and they’ll take it. And they’ll feel good about you for giving them the opportunity.

If you want to make a strong connection, stop with the me. Start with the you. It’s the most powerful way to get what you want.