Six Critical Steps to Be a Thriver

In my opinion, there are four types of people in the world: victims, survivors, martyrs, and “thrivers,” my word. An individual can stay in one category, or navigate through all of them, based upon circumstances and life events. 

Victims: The first is an individual who is powerless, and feels inadequate and unequipped to handle the challenges they face in life. Predators of all types pick up on this vulnerability and exploit them for personal gain. Despite being resourceful under pressure, victimized folks continually lack because of feeling unworthy or underserving of good things, so they procrastinate to their detriment.

Survivors: A person that survives just scrapes by; living with constant shame and embarrassment. They often appear to be successful, but deny the impact of past emotional traumas beyond coping, which hinders them from living their best life. These people can be educated and masters in their chosen fields, but have difficulty choosing healthy relationships because of misplaced loyalties rooted in dysfunctional childhoods.   

Martyrs: The individuals in this category relish suffering. They believe that being obligatory and religious in their behaviors makes them pious and worthy of love and acceptance. People with a martyr mentality often get used, and cannot break out of these negative ruts. These folks give to a fault, but unconsciously resent/hate the weak ones they purport to help.

Thrivers: To thrive; is to use what (emotional wounds/traumas/hurts) was meant to destroy you as the greatest catalyst for success. A thriver realizes that they have a past that can/has impacted their biology, brain, beliefs, and behaviors. They believe being honest with themselves is the only way to successfully work through their own histories.

This individual is not at all embarrassed by their story like survivors, or constantly regurgitating the gory details of their past like a martyr does. He/she has a healthy humility, and uses their experiences to help themselves and others to overcome similar struggles, not stay stuck.   

Healthy people endeavor to be thrivers.

However, folks are able to still thrive, and experience the other categories by being aware of their state of mind. They recognize the natural inclination towards dysfunctional behavior, and can quickly change direction. This prevents them from feeling victimized for too long, overwhelmed because underlying issues are not addressed, or getting used and abused by predatory people.

Points to become a thriver:

1)     Recognize which of the four categories you fall into by doing an honest self-inventory. Write out detailed examples from your life.   

2)     Forgive yourself for feeling powerless, believing punishment/suffering is what you deserve, or merely scraping by without understanding the repercussions.

3)     Find a good listener that can hear your story without judgement. After you have built a solid relationship, this individual can offer supportive feedback as well. 

4)     Begin to use your past experiences as an opportunity to help others with the same struggle.

5)     Show yourself mercy when you naturally gravitate back to any of these well-ingrained negative patterns.

6)     Seek out a therapist, preferably a trauma practitioner for guidance in deeper unresolved mental health issues. 

By doing an honest self-inventory, you can determine if your behaviors fall within the victim, survivor, or martyr category. This transparency will better equip you to begin using your past to become a thriver, instead of staying powerless, ashamed, or being convinced that you need to suffer for the rest of your life.  

Thank you for reading.

Your thoughts are very appreciated.

Researcher’s Bio

Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive workshops/trauma trainings. With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.